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It’s been a while. So if you’ve lost track of what happened, or are just bored in the Bubble because you were quarantined for going to a strip club, here’s a primer to catch you up. Because…
NOTE: In the 80s & 90s, you were allowed to bring all those weapons onto the court.
After being off for over four months, the NBA will finally resume play tomorrow. And Gregg Popovich will still sit five starters for rest.
The NBA is playing with no fans at Disney World. The season will start tomorrow, then the mics will pick up 10 seconds of trash talk, and then Disney will cancel the season.
Yep, games will take place in empty arenas. Which will get weird when all the players stop just to listen to Bill Walton commentate. “Hey Dave - have YOU ever seen Zeus surf the Euphrates on a redwood??”
The season stopped when Jazz center Rudy Gobert tested positive for COVID-19 – right after jokingly touching a bunch of reporters’ equipment. You know it’s bad when Giuliani isn’t our dumbest Rudy.
Actually, many players tested positive for COVID-19. Which should explain things when the ref tosses up the opening tip…followed by the ball bouncing in place for 48 minutes.
Laker Avery Bradley opted out, saying he didn’t want to jeopardize his family’s health. It’s surprising a Laker bails, since the virus is the only thing they’d ever catch from LeBron.
He’s not the only one from L.A. To be safe, Jack Nicholson is just sending Christian Slater.
Players had a call to discuss it. Kyrie Irving said he didn’t think they should play; Chris Paul said they should; then Vladimir Putin said, “Is not important, I already choose winner…”
But a few of players opted out. Even Air Bud said, “I just couldn’t do that to my hydrant.”
Some media members also refused to cover games in the Bubble. While one just said…
Already, some players have been quarantined for breaking the rules - most notably Clippers guard Lou Williams, who went to a strip club. I guess they knew something was up when he sneezed and glitter came out.
After going to a strip club, Williams is now stuck in his room browsing the internet - a.k.a. the world’s biggest strip club.
I read that better teams have nicer accommodations. For instance, the Lakers and Celtics will stay at the Grand Floridian, while the Knicks and Cavs will stay at Guantanamo Bay.
Players will have movie screenings, DJs, pool and ping pong. And Hubie Brown in a fanny pack yelling, “I take you kids to Disney, and you want to stay at the hotel??”
Actually, LeBron hopes to play at EPCOT, since they make it so easy to travel.
And Charles Barkley’s excited to go to EPCOT, since it has a golf ball he might actually hit:
“First of all, Figment…this place being open AT ALL is turrible.”
Yep, the NBA at Disney World. But it’ll get weird when they sing “It’s a Small World” and Kyrie says, “And flat!”
There will be some changes since games are at Disney. Like instead of saying a guy’s “ice cold,” they’ll say he’s “gone Walt.”
Ahead of its return, the NBA released a 113-page booklet outlining all the rules. They urged players to read it immediately, while the refs can do it with 20 seconds left in a tie game. “The dribbler took five steps, so…nine free throws for Spike Lee?”
Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck donated one million dollars towards a COVID-19 vaccine development. While in LA, the Buss Brothers went to Panera just to sneeze in the soup.
With the season suspended, Kevin Love donated $100,000 to the arena staff in Cleveland. Most called Love “generous,” while his Uncle Mike called him, ”adopted.”
The NCAA granted a waiver allowing athletes an extra year of eligibility. And players said they were extremely grateful for the laugh. “EXTRA not getting paid?? SWEET!”
An agent says Pelicans star Zion Williamson received money to attend Duke. Even crazier: “Zion Williamson” is just Lori Loughlin’s daughters standing on each other’s shoulders.
Williamson allegedly received gifts and other services, which could lead to an investigation of Coach Mike Krzyzewski. But if you yell “Krzyzewski!” right now, people make you isolate for 14 days.
Clippers owner Steve Ballmer bought the LA Forum for $400 million in cash. He called it a big investment, while the guy behind him at the ATM called it the worst day of his life.
The Clippers played an unexpected role in all of this. Turns out V. Stiviano was just keeping herself safe:
Vince Carter became the first NBA player to play in four different decades. You can tell he’s old since he requested a Cardigan Cannon.
Meanwhile, Giannis Antetokounmpo had his Twitter account hacked. As a result, he’s chosen a more secure password: “Giannis Antetokounmpo.”
Celtics rookie Tacko Fall was one of the top vote getters for the All-Star Game, despite barely playing. Many just voted for him as a joke – so let me be the first to congratulate President Tacko!
Actually, President Trump announced plans to just lay Tacko down sideways and name him “Tacko Wall.”
Bill Russell tweeted at Trump calling him a divisive coward. Proving that all these years later, Russell’s still great at swatting some orange leather.
ESPN released its list of the 74 best NBA players. Yep – 74. When asked who they looked for, ESPN said, “Guys who gave it 107 percent.”
Unsurprisingly, Michael Jordan was ranked number one. But coming in second? This guy:
Speaking of Michael Jordan, he recently caught a 442-pound marlin. Then the marlin won 442 bucks playing poker against Michael Jordan.
It was pretty shocking, because lately, it’s the Marlins that are catching something. ⚾
Michael Jordan also donated $100 million to fight for racial equality. Right after Isiah Thomas donated $99 million.
ESPN’s “Last Dance” documentary on the 90s Bulls was a huge hit, and featured interviews with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Phil Jackson…and Justin Timberlake. Then Timberlake said, “Crap – am I Chris Kirkpatrick??”
People are still talking about the Chicago Bulls documentary “The Last Dance,” but one of the players it ignored was little-used guard Rusty LaRue. Well, Rusty LaRue posted an itinerary with the aliases used by players at hotels. Some made sense, but some were surprising. For instance…
Starting center Luc Longley? He went by…
Then there’s Toni Kukoc. He was listed as…
“Sha right that was a foul, Uncle Frank!”
He’s not the only one using a TV nickname. Steve Kerr was listed as…
Now here’s a guy with a strange name as is: Dickey Simpkins. His alias?
Then there’s the coach, and reclusive Montana native Phil Jackson. He went with…
(His play book was 300,000 pages long.)
The team’s second-most famous player, Scottie Pippen? He went by…
Of course, Dennis Rodman had craziest alias of all. His was…
Oddly specific…
And finally, Rusty LaRue even spilled on the great Michael Jordan. The name Jordan chose so no one would bother him?
BEAT LA!! ☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️☘️
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.25.20
It’s almost like COVID-19 is real and doesn’t go away just because you want it to!
The new season of “The Twilight Zone” was just released. I don’t want to spoil too much, but there’s one episode where someone goes to his job and isn’t run over by a police car.
If you want to watch “The Twilight Zone,” it’s on CBS All Access…and CBS News, ABC News, NBC News, CNN, MSNBC, even Lifetime’s getting involved…
Today, Joe Biden received a surprise endorsement from Carly Fiorina. Said Biden, “Sweet! But it’s pronounced ‘California.’”
Fiorina will be the first Republican candidate from 2016 to vote for Biden – well, second, counting Trump.
Today, the Eiffel Tower reopened to tourists. After 104 days, people were finally able to climb to the top and say, “Wait – now I’m in the one thing I came here to see.”
Health experts are blaming younger Americans for the COVID spike, saying they’re putting the elderly at risk. Their parents said, “You should be ashamed of yourselves!” – then got back to voting for Trump, defending Bill Clinton, driving SUVs, disco dancing and planning their Woodstock orgy reunion.
Just days after announcing their return, over a dozen NBA players have tested positive for COVID-19. Which should explain things when each game is just the ref throwing up the opening tip, followed by the ball bouncing in place for 48 minutes. “Another 0-0 barnburner! Literally – we’re playing in a barn!”
Major League Baseball announced a new set of social distancing guidelines to prevent the spread of COVID-19, including no shaking hands. Which means now, the base coaches will just tip their caps to players’ butts when they hit home runs.
You’ll know they’re strict when a player calls time and scratches his crotch with a windshield scraper.
But you’ll forget all about it during the Seventh Inning Swab.
Major League Baseball’s rules also include no licking hands, no spitting, no showering after games, and no baseball because the season will be canceled by next week.
Disneyland will not reopen until California relaxes its quarantine laws. On the bright side, it gives the Hall of Presidents time to finish Biden. “Just a couple tweaks to his finger guns…”
Disney also said that due to racial connotations, “Splash Mountain” will be remade. Asked when construction will begin, they said, “Right after we replace the water with Purell.”
Don’t feel bad for the “Song of the South” characters – they were booked to headline Trump’s inauguration. “They’ll follow 2 Doors Down. The third Door` caught the fake virus.”
Trump’s younger brother, Robert, is working to stop the release of a tell-all book by their niece. Even the creature from “Cloverfield” was like, “Wait – there’s another monster??””
They actually released footage of the president and his brother greeting each other:
The DNC is planning a virtual convention. Which should explain things when Biden says, “Uhhhh…look! This is uhhhh…Joe! And, uhhhh…not Barack using an Instagram filter!”
Yep, a convention where everyone’s filmed from the shoulders up. Marking the first time they don’t need to make President Clinton wear pants. “But now where’s the fun??”
There’s debate about destroying Mount Rushmore, because the presidents owned slaves. There’s a pitch for an alternative, but workers aren’t sure there’s room for Joey Fatone.
The parent company of Chuck E. Cheese filed for bankruptcy. I’m not sure what’s sadder – seeing them drain the ball pits or Chuck E. dragging a slice of pizza onto the subway.
But this is nice: when they drained one ball pit, they found Jimmy Hoffa.
It’s not all bad news. Munch's Make Believe Band was just hired to open for Sammy Hagar. “They’ll go after the Splash Mountain Guys and 1 Door Down. Another Door got fake sick.”
NASA announced that its Washington D.C. headquarters will be named after Mary W. Jackson, the first Black woman to work as an engineer in the agency. While the Space Force headquarters is still just a Star Trek play set in the Oval Office. “MORE red tape because of the #SuluFlu! Sad!”
After the FBI said the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage was just a “pulldown rope,” NASCAR said a search found 11 pulldown ropes in knots and just one in a noose. The FBI said it would respond, just as soon as its done refilling a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.
And lastly, a new video shows a great white shark swimming beneath surfers in South Africa. And you can tell she’s a great white, because she’s not wearing a fin mask and demands to eat a manager.
Keep Your Moods Up,
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.24.20
Well, let’s start by taking a look at where things stood with baseball…
Aww, that’s too bad. Well let’s take a look at the latest COVID-19 projections…
Man, that’s bad, too. Now what happened right after the COVID news?
Wow! What are the odds?? No seriously – someone ask Pete Rose what the odds are.
I love baseball. It’s the friend who offers you a ticket to the game when it knows you’re away at a funeral. “Ohhhh, man! Too bad! Some other time never!”
Even the guys who organized Michael Jackson’s final tour said, “Who they trying to fool?”
Baseball is “planning” a 60-game season. Or as Manny Ramirez would call it, “a season.”
This would actually be the shortest baseball season since 1878. To show you how long ago that was, the bubblegum that came with baseball cards was only 30 years old.
Yep, it would be the shortest season since 1878. The best pitcher that year: Bartolo Colon.
Cy Young actually won 3 Bartolo Colon Awards. (Ty Cobb won 10 Curt Schilling Awards.)
The games will resume in teams’ home ballparks without fans. Which is why Philadelphia has designed robots to pelt opposing pitchers with batteries.
Teams will only play opponents in their own region. Which means the Toronto Blue Jays will play The Kids in the Hall, Barenaked Ladies and a herd of moose.
If there is another spike in COVID-19, players would be quarantined away from their wives. Which is why today, David Ortiz announced he was coming out of retirement. (Might be safer with the COVID.)
But with the spike in Orlando, the NBA season is now in jeopardy, with players who committed backing out. Which isn’t surprising, as it turns out most of those “players” were actually just K-Pop fans.
Laker Avery Bradley opted out, saying he didn’t want to jeopardize his family’s health. It’s surprising a Laker would bail, since the virus is the only thing they’d catch from LeBron.
Actually, LeBron James said there’s no ill will, and promised to personally call Avery Bradley the wrong name. “Hang in there, Andy!” “It’s Avery.” “Okay, Henry!”
It could be tough for the Lakers. In fact Jack Nicholson is just sending Christian Slater.
But a lot of players are opting out. Even Air Bud said, “I just couldn’t do that to my hydrant.”
Today, the New York City Marathon was canceled, because officials are afraid the starting pistol would be drowned out by the fireworks.
Runners from New York expressed dismay…about an hour after runners from Kenya expressed dismay.
This is nice: they’re going to use those tinfoil ponchos to cover-up Confederate statues.
Actually, the marathon was canceled due to COVID-19. So if you want to see thousands of New Yorkers run by, just stand at the border to Connecticut.
New Jersey is implementing a 14-day quarantine for anyone traveling from hotspots. I guess they don’t want people to catch it from a guy who caught it from a guy who caught it from a guy, fuhgeddaboudit.
Former Van Halen singer Sammy Hagar says he plans to keep playing concerts regardless of the virus. Then the CDC said, “Could you? That would actually help people stay home.”
Due to the virus, Japan opened a “drive-in haunted house.” Or as dogs call it, “a carwash.”
The FBI said the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage was just a hanging rope with a circular tie. They also revealed the weapon found on Lee Harvey Oswald was “just a Nerf Blaster clogged with lead.”
Many were upset that it took 15 FBI agents to arrive at such a vague conclusion. However, 13 were there to make sure no one was copying their videos from Blockbuster.
Slavery connotations may force Rhode Island to change its official name, “The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.” Some were shocked to hear that’s its official name, while most had never heard of Rhode Island.
Yep, the state may change its name from The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Instead, it’ll go with the more appropriate name: Boston Jr.
Conservatives are mocking the suggestion Mount Rushmore be destroyed due to the presidents’ ties to slavery, saying, “What, are they gonna blow it up?” Then people said, “How do you think they made it?” (“Uh…God SNEEZED at it?? Pick up a Bible, Einfeld!”)
Yesterday, Trump visited his “border wall,” where only three new miles were constructed. Which explains Trump’s new plan: cloning.
Trump’s former National Security Advisor, Michael Flynn, was released from jail. The prison cited a legal loophole and overcrowding from other former Trump Security Advisors.
Porn star Ron Jeremy was arrested and charged with multiple instances of sexual assault. Said Jeremy, “Oh no – was it everything I am?”
Speaking of slithery freaks, an image went viral supposedly showing the Loch Ness Monster. But before it got out of the water, the aliens sent a text saying, “Dude – this year’s WAY too crowded. Let’s come back.”
Yeah, the Loch Ness Monster almost came out of the water. Ironically, it just needed a break from its kid playing “Baby Shark.”
Residents of Lopburi, Thailand want to take the city back from monkeys who have gorged on cereal, candy and caffeinated beverages and engaged in rampant sex. Which explains their leader: Bicurious George.
On the bright side, they’d be the first species featured on Discovery Channel, Animal Planet and MTV.
It’s pretty bad, and if the monkeys don’t relax, officials may have to deploy an accordion.
A golden retriever in Tennessee just celebrated its 20th birthday. Which in human years makes her Bernie Sanders.
But man, this is an OLD dog…
This dog’s so old, she actually rides a Jazzy away from the vacuum.
This dog’s so old, she actually wears a Life Alert collar.
This dog’s so old, when you throw a stick, she just says, “Eh, there’ll be other sticks.”
When you throw a tennis ball, she reaches for her glasses and says, “Was that an apple?”
This dog’s so old, instead of a dog whistle, her owner just plays some Michael Bublé.
This dog’s so old, she blows on the water before drinking out of the toilet.
She’s so old, when you leave CNN on to keep her company, she switches it to Fox News.
You can tell she’s old because she thinks Air Bud should just “shut up and dribble.”
But man, she’s old. In fact this dog’s so old, she actually has a cat.
This dog is OLD! In fact she’s SO old, she tells your leg, “Not tonight, I have a headache.”
Keep Your Moods Up,
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.23.20
Well if there’s one thing we learned this weekend: it takes more than one glass of water to put out a dumpster fire…
It came out that Trump is increasingly obsessed with proving he is physically fit. But it got awkward when he asked for a pair of dumbbells and Don Jr. and Eric showed up.
Trump’s really trying to get into shape - he even wears thumb weights while he tweets.
But it’s a tough choice for Trump; does he do a pushup, or just give in and wear one?
Trump is also obsessed with reelection, and often demands to know how he’s doing in the polls. Then his staff says, “Well if we just slow down the poll-taking, everything will be fine!”
Because of COVID-19, the second debate between Trump and Joe Biden was moved to Miami. Then hurricanes said, “You know, you guys seem busy enough already…”
Dr. Fauci says he is cautiously optimistic a COVID-19 vaccine could be available by New Year’s. That way, everyone can pack Times Square and catch literally everything else.
Yep, a “giant” event where someone drops the ball - also known as “a Trump rally.”
Believe it or not, Trump wasn’t the weirdest looking person at his rally, thanks to this guy:
But sadly, his night also ended on a pretty rough note…
With a second wave of COVID-19 expected, many are admonishing people for not wearing masks in public. Then they got back to saying how a guy who’s gotten away with fraud, treason, tax evasion and sexual assault for 40 years is “finished” after just one rally.
Seven Philadelphia Phillies tested positive for COVID-19. Which still isn’t as bad as all the things the Phanatic tested positive for.
“I didn’t think this was possible, but…your lice have lice!”
In order to prevent the spread of COVID-19, Airlines announced they are banning alcohol. Then they announced they were looking for volunteers to fly the plane.
While boarding Air Force Two, Mike Pence fell face-first onto the stairs. After which, he married the stairs. “I’m sorry, Mother, but I had to…”
Yep, Pence fell on the Stairs. Which explains all those new campaign signs:
There’s a theory the government has been dropping off fireworks that have been going off in New York City at night. They might have a point, because the other night, a black van dropped Trump off right after his rally.
That’s right, non-stop fireworks, bad haircuts and spending most of the year indoors. Which explains New York’s new name: New Hampshire.
Michael Keaton is in talks to return as Batman in the upcoming “Flash” movie. But you’ll know he’s aged when his utility belt is replaced with a cell phone holster.
Keaton would play Batman. “But who’s gonna be Bruce Wayne??” asked 6-year-old Rineman after watching the whole movie, just days after he almost skipped first grade.
Four episodes of “30 Rock” have been pulled for featuring blackface. People said, “Are there any shows that didn’t feature blackface??” Then producers for the A-Team said, “Should we tell them ‘Mr. T.’ was just Meryl?”
Winona Ryder says Mel Gibson made homophobic and anti-Semitic remarks at a party. Gibson was shocked, saying, “But nothing sexist, racist or dwarf-related??”
A Delaware man caught an eight-foot shark with his bare hands while swimming. Before he could do any harm to the shark, they were carried away by a baby Murder Hornet.
A priceless 17th Century portrait of the Virgin Mary was ruined by a man trying to restore it. Personally, I don’t think it’s all that bad. Here’s the original:
Now here’s the update:
And lastly, a new study finds that women find men with cats less datable. While men find women with cats after a couple weeks worth of newspapers pile up outside their door.
Keep Your Moods Up By Watching This,
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.22.20: Somethin' Different
Now when they make a “30 for 30” to get the 411 on how COVID-19 set us back to square 1, and how 45 was behind 8-ball a plenty in the hellish year that is 2020, it’ll run 2 seasons, 24/7 – I don’t think he’ll be watching from Heaven. 365 days on ESPN 2 and 3 and more; ages 13 and over – it’s brutal, 10-4? A picture’s worth 1,000 words; and if we don’t give kids our 2 cents, they’ll give us the 3rd degree. We’re supposed to isolate, but we’re “in this together.” Why’s it when we’re inside we get blue skies for weather?? It’s a Catch-22, a Double-Whammy; check in on your elders – but don’t hug Grammy! They say the 3rd time’s a charm, but 3 strikes and you’re out. The guy sips some water – THAT makes you shout? There’s lots to tell my girl, her 2 cousins. But right now it’s time for the Daily Dozen.
How come the people who don’t want to wear a mask on their face are also the ugliest assholes? I saw a couple of these pricks taking their little Cheeto Roomba for a walk the other day and if it weren’t for the leash, I would’ve asked, “What grade is he in?” You don’t want to look “weak”? Ditch the red hat, dipshit! The only other guy who made red hats famous was Pete Rose, and even HE made more money in the casino business than the lump of porridge you elected president. You say it’s a free country? Okay fine. Why don’t you dress in all red and we free a few thousand bulls?
I don’t have a great feeling about the election, and I’ll tell you why. 6,000 Red Hats and the Hate Pumpkin himself, all in one place – and nobody thought to lock the doors from outside?
Can we please come up with another way of telling jokes than basic analogies? “Trump’s President?? That’s like if Paula Deen became Queen!” Why yes it is! Congratulations! You do get to move on to second grade. Ever think about how socks are like the mittens of the feet? Holy shit – I just won an Emmy.
Now More Than Ever we need to stop saying Now More Than Ever. Really? Now More Than Ever we need to keep in touch with loved ones? Didn’t you, by saying “Now more than ever” just infer we’ll all be dead soon? So I spend my last days on Earth Zooming with the same gaggle of Thanksgiving migraines with whom I’ll soon spend eternity? Now more than ever – say you don’t get what’s so funny about lip-syncing to a Donald Trump speech, because that’s apparently a one-way ticket to Hell.
Fuck fireworks in the first place. And people who cheer for the fireworks like the fireworks can hear them; and the moron who brought a Chihuahua; and fuck the guys who celebrate another night of lighting boom-booms by giving each other stumps-up.
And you for telling me to meditate. “It makes me feel free! It makes me feel good!” So does farting. And that’s what meditation is: the farting of guilt. Guilt you have no right to disown after ruining everyone else’s day with your glassy eyes and dopey grin. Here’s a tip: know someone who likes to “just breathe” at the end of each day? That’s when you light some fucking fireworks.
So we’re in a pandemic where men with gloves can’t stand 40 yards away from each other to play ball, but strip clubs are still allowed? What is the appeal of the strip club? “How’d you like to spend your birthday, Gary?” “I know! Getting a boner right next to my brother-in-law!” Don’t worry about people who go to strip clubs being offended by any of this, as they clearly haven’t discovered the internet.
And while bars are allowed to reopen, marijuana dispensaries are curbside pickup. It’s nice to know it took a global pandemic to teach us the BEST way to pick up weed is the OLD way to pick up weed.
Now I don’t do either, but the acceptance of alcohol and shame upon weed in this country makes no sense at all. I haven’t lost too many friends to weed – and when I did, we found them an hour later riding around on the baggage carousel. But the differences are basic and bold…
With booze, you get pulled over for drunk driving.
With weed, you stand next to your car, waiting for it to transform into Optimus Prime.
With weed, some buds take your mind to the limits of space.
With booze, some buds throw up all over your place.
With weed, you go into the studio and record “Pet Sounds.”
With booze, you go to Karaoke Night and make dolphin noises.
With booze, you have unprotected sex and get pregnant.
With weed, you spend the night turning condoms into balloon animals.
With weed, you fall asleep to “Yo Gabba Gabba.”
With booze, you wake up grouchy inside a trash can.
And with booze, you get a tattoo you’ll regret forever.
With weed, you give the tattoo they’ll regret forever.
Hang in, there ain’t no doubt,
Hang tough, over and out!
Jon
We miss you George (Now More Than Ever)
We're Talkin' Baseball ⚾
Happy Father’s Day!
Sadly, no games today. But Dad, Uncle Rich, Uncle Tom and Grandpa, here’s to you…
Well, it looks like baseball may not come back this year. But don’t be too harsh – a pandemic is no time for a game where everyone wears gloves and stands very far apart.
ESPN announced it will start airing the Korean Baseball Organization. Which might backfire, since the only guys still watching baseball actually fought in Korea.
It’s looking more likely the baseball season is going to be canceled due to COVID-19. You can tell players are worried – today in Iowa, Joe Jackson wore shoes.
Meanwhile, Ray Kinsella turned his cornfield into a Quidditch pitch.
Major League Baseball is on the verge of canceling its season after owners wouldn’t agree to concessions with players. That’s when you know baseball’s in trouble – when even the owners think the concessions are too expensive. (That was for you, Dad!)
March 26 would have been Opening Day for Major League Baseball. But to keep fans engaged, the Red Sox traded two COVID-19 test kits for a bottle of Flintstones Vitamins.
That’s right, Major League Baseball postponed Opening Day. The Commissioner said, “Trust me – our players test positive for enough things as is.”
MLB had “Opening Day At Home” by offering 30 classic games for free. The way it works is, you watch just one baseball game – and by the 4th inning, the pandemic is over.
But baseball’s really changing. You can tell by that new chant: “We want a pitcher – and absolutely, positively, under NO circumstances WHATSOEVER a belly-itcher!!”
Baseball initially approved a plan where the first game would be played as early as July. The Red Sox’ owners called the plan a “good first start,” the Yankees’ owners called it “reason for optimism,” and the Orioles’ owner is a Roomba trapped in a corner.
During the pandemic, there would be a rule where inactive players have to sit in the stands instead of the dugout. That’s gotta be fun when a manager tells a pitcher, “You were awful! Now get up in there and start The Wave!”
That’s right, they’re limiting the number of people in each dugout. And when a team wins, it has to use the drive-thru at Dairy Queen.
Yankee Stadium hopes to use its parking lot as a drive-in. They’ll show classics such as “Pride of the Yankees,” and comedies such as “Up 3-0 to the Red Sox.”
Yep, Yankee Stadium’s parking lot in the Bronx will become a drive-in. The way it works is, someone takes your order on one side, while someone takes your hubcaps on the other.
Jose Altuve used a vibrating pager in his jersey that signaled what pitches were coming. One meant fastball; two meant curveball; three meant his table was ready at Applebee’s.
They say Altuve used a pager; Mike Trout is on HGH; and for the final five years of his consecutive games streak, Cal Ripken Jr. was played by Meryl Streep.
For his role, Mets manager Carlos Beltran was fired before his first game. Said the Mets…
Major League Baseball basically gave the Red Sox a slap on the wrist for sign-stealing. And for old time’s sake, they brought A-Rod in to do it.
You can tell Rob Manfred’s gone soft, because’s he’s allowing rebroadcast, retransmission, and accounts of the game with the implied written consent of Major League Baseball.
Manfred was also criticized for calling the World Series Trophy a “piece of metal.” Then he congratulated Derek Jeter for being inducted into “The Dead Guy Museum.”
The Washington Nationals unveiled their World Series Championship ring which, as a tribute to one player’s walk-up song, features Baby Shark. Which means somewhere, Ty Cobb is saying something racist about sharks.
Umpire Angel Hernandez is in trouble for eavesdropping on a phone call between MLB officials and another umpire. Marking the first call Hernandez didn’t miss.
Because of the pandemic, there’s been talk about contraction – or, the elimination of teams. But I thought instead of that, they could just merge a few teams. For instance…
The Red Sox and White Sox become…The Pink Sox.
The Blue Jays and the Rays become…The Ray Js.
The Royals and the Reds become…The Prince Harrys.
The Tigers and the Angels become…The Carole Baskin Husbands.
The Texas Rangers and Houston Astros become…The Austin Powers.
The Indians and Braves become…The Casinos That Reopened Too Soon.
And lastly, Baltimore and Oakland have been struggling to stay in business for years. What do you get when you combine a bunch of “O’s” and “A’s”……?
And lastly, President Trump said Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose should be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Incidentally, “Cincinnati Red” is also the setting on Trump’s tanning bed.
It’s now clear that just two things can save us from COVID-19: President Trump and Korean baseball. But that’s not all they have in common. Back in 2015 – when this was all still funny, as we thought Hillary knew about swing states and people would clap for Jeb unprompted – Britain’s Daily Mail reported that our current Commander in Chief was a star ballplayer. So good, in fact, he was supposedly scouted by…the Boston Red Sox. So strap on your Rod Serling/Jordan Peele/[Current Press Secretary] swirly glasses as we travel to another dimension, where an 18-year-old with flowing red hair and unwavering confidence takes the field in the summer of ‘64…
BOSTON– Tom Yawkey looked on from afar. Always interested in signing talent – rarely doingit, but often interested– the man who allegedly shouted Jackie Robinson off the field was present for another tryout. But there was no shortage of swagger at Fenway Park this day, as hot shot, “my parents can’t stand-me”/military school prospect Donald J. Trump walked up the steps of the Red Sox dugout. “I’m still hoping to sign with San Francisco,” he remarked. “After all, the J in my name stands for ‘Giant.’ But my dad says he might pull a few strings and make me a Dodger.” Then, “Wow! Look at all the scouts here to see me. There must be 200, 300, 800 scouts!” – eliciting a shrug from both of them.
As Trump surveyed the cozy confines of Fenway, I asked how familiar he was with the park, and the tragedy with which its opening coincided. When told that it was the sinking of the Titanic (and not “the dinosaurs go bye-bye,”) he remarked, “Ah yes. But if you ask me, that iceberg was treated very unfairly. There were some fine people on that boat, but there was also some veryfine ice on that berg!”
Trump then mentioned that he was staying at the nearby Hotel Buckminster, as the hotel owned by his father was, quote, “a raging bedbug orgy.” When asked if he knew of its significance in Shoeless Joe Jackson’s “Black Sox” scandal, Trump said, “Of course. He refused to wear his shoes, which made his socks turn black. That’s why you always sleep in your shoes, folks. I even made up a rhyme: ‘shoes in bed, while you rest your face.’” Another scribe brought forth the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry, and the debate about whether Ted Williams or Joe DiMaggio is the game’s greatest hitter. But young Mr. Trump wasn’t taking the bait. “That’s a tough call – like trying to pick a side in the Cold War.”
Trump remained upbeat, boasting of past achievements at the amateur level. “Our first game, I went 4 for 5,” he said. “Then our next game, 5 for 5. And – you won’t believe this – the game after that, I managed to go 8 for 5. It had never been done – not even by Footless Jim Johnson.” This clearly raised the bar for Trump’s workout. Asked whether he possesses all five tools, he said, “No – but I plan to have three with my first wife.”
After snorting the first baseline, Trump was ready to show his stuff. First up was batting practice – but just preparing proved a chore. “I know I’m a lefty,”he was heard whispering, struggling to pick a box. “But they’ll only take me seriously as a righty…”Following several misses and weak grounders back to the mound, Trump summoned a caddy, who proceeded to place a baseball on a tee. “Ah, that’s more like it!” said Trump, before hitting one ball to the outfield…then refusing to pay the caddy.
Perhaps, it was suggested, Trump would make a better sacrifice hitter, laying down a tight squeeze. “I laid down two verytight squeezes on the flight up,” he replied, “but don’t worry – I paid the stewardess 130 grand to keep it quiet.”
From there, it was on to base running, at which Trump rounded the bases in an impressive 12 seconds. When asked to do so without riding in a limo, Trump declined, citing “cleat spurs.”
“All field/no hit” appeared to be the best-case scenario as Trump switched to defense. “You expect me to wear this giant first baseman’s mitt at second base??” he asked, before a coach replied that it was actually a child’s glove that fell out of the stands. The coach then proceeded to hit 20 fungos – followed by 19 “I wasn’t readies” and one ball that was blocked by Trump’s five-foot-long necktie.
“It’s okay,” Trump assured us, “I’m better suited as a cutoff man.” When asked if anything had gone over his head, Trump said, “Yes – the plot to ‘Mary Poppins.’ One minute, it’s fun, then they jump back out of that drawing and it’s a big-boy movie! Am I gonna see dancing cartoon penguins or what??”
Given his girth and the protective cup that saved him from that stewardess, it was suggested Trump should give catching a shot. “Fine. But I’m not wearing a mask. Did General Lee wear a mask?” he mused about a man who at no point played baseball. “No. So I’m not wearing a mask. It’s a no. Record no-ness from me, that I can tell you. Gimme the mask just in case. You’re Fake Ball!”
The coaches then directed Trump to left field, where, curiously, he proceeded to let fly ball after fly ball bounce directly off his head without the slightest reaction. As we finally approached, it became apparent that Mr. Trump wasn’t even facing home plate – but instead, the oversized, green barrier before him. “OH. MY. GOD,” he said like Janice from that future show. “Look at that beautiful WALLLL.”
Nothing would deter him – this was now the only topic of conversation. “I have never seen such a big, beautiful wall,” he marveled. “If only there was a way I could share my need for this wall with the masses…using approximately 275 characters, then five stray dots…before finally finishing my thought 11 minutes later on the toilet…”
He was smitten. “Would you look at it?” he exclaimed, now physically hugging the monstrosity. “When you sign me, that wall’s gonna get ten feet higher! And when I can’t get the Mexican League to pay for it, the Washington Senators will!”
As his tryout ended, Trump appeared pleased by his performance – but was already looking ahead to his post-playing days. (“I heard when you’re a third base coach, you get to wave some Latinos home.”) And finally, he met with Mr. Yawkey. When asked if Trump would be suiting up at Fenway, Yawkey – owner of the last baseball team to integrate by a decade– said, “Sorry – he’s far too racist.”
Keep Your Moods Up,
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.18.20
I’ve never eaten Taco Bell.
The Supreme Court ruled against rescinding the DACA immigration program. That means in just one week, the president’s lost Bostok v. Clayton County, Department of Homeland Security v. Regents of the University of California, and of course – Trump v. Ramp.
After the ruling, Trump tweeted, “Do you get the impression that the Supreme Court doesn’t like me?” Then the Court said, “Bigger question: do you?”
It’s nice that the president’s reaction to being shot down by the Supreme Court is the same as mine when someone doesn’t answer a text after five minutes. “Was it the blog? Is it because I didn’t stay for dinner 10 years ago??”
After the ruling, Trump went on a Twitter rant about needing new Justices. Then an hour later, he came back with his arm in a sling and said, “Okay – other than Ginsburg.”
But the craziest thing is Trump tweeted, “First thing the anarchists did upon taking over Seattle was ‘BUILD A WALL.’ See, I was ahead of our times!” Then he said, “By saying ‘Nevermind’ to filing my taxes, I basically created Nirvana! Enjoy!”
Trump also tweeted that the decision out of the Supreme Court are “shotgun blasts to the face” of Republicans. Making Trump the first president banned from meeting himself.
Dick Cheney was trending because Trump talked about shooting someone in the face. Cheney said, “So it wasn’tbecause of me singing ‘TROLZZ’ on ‘America’s Got Talent’?”
In his lukewarm-off-the-presses book, John Bolton says Trump asked Chinese President Xi Jinping for help winning this year’s election. When asked how he knows, Bolton said, “...That’s what Xi said!” and admitted that’s the only reason he wrote the book.
Bolton says Putin thinks he can play Trump like a fiddle. Then Putin said, “I prefer to think ‘like keytar.’ We are behind with the music videos. But like the Franky say, you relax now.”
And Bolton says Trump and Kim Jong Un spent their meeting flattering each other. While the next morning, Dennis Rodman texted them both, “Sooooooo…❤️❤️how did it go???”
Some are saying Bolton’s book could wind up costing Trump the election. That’s 2020 for ya – the year JK Rowling promotes bigotry while John Bolton makes us believe in magic.
Dr. Anthony Fauci says that an uptick in COVID-19 means the NFL season may not happen this year. He said, “Believe me – I’m just as disappointed as you to not paint my chest in a parking lot.”
Dr. Fauci said the NFL may cancel its season. At which point, every team will try to sign Colin Kaepernick. “Ohhh, too bad! But we TRIED! That counts! See how good we are??”
Yep, no Super Bowl. And in the Puppy Bowl, the players have to wear masks on their butts.
A USA Today columnist iisted five defunct ballparks where he wishes he could watch baseball. Then he updated it to 35 defunct ballparks he wishes he could watch baseball.
Experts say they’ve found traces of COVID-19 on fish at the supermarket. I knew we were in trouble when my Big Mouth Billy Bass sang “Rapture.”
People are boycotting Taco Bell after an employee was fired for wearing a Black Lives Matter face mask. Taco Bell said, “Have you tried our food? Our take is NO lives matter!”
Everyone’s mad at Taco Bell. Today, my Chihuahua said, “Yo quiero just a protein bar.” (Then my Big-Mouth Billy Bass said, “Our dog can talk?”)
Bloomberg did a big story on how “racism is rampant” on Reddit. Not only that – they say there’s a chance some YouTube comments are mean.
Raven Symone surprised everyone by announcing she married her longtime girlfriend. When asked if they were surprised, her “Cosby Show” castmates said, “It kinda takes a lot to surprise us at this point…”
DC Comics is producing podcasts featuring superheroes. Which sounds fun, until it’s just 45 minutes of Superman and Aquaman making sure they’re “good.” (“I mean, we good man?” “I think so.” “Just checking, because, you know, we had sort of a…a thing…”)
Superheroes will be featured in podcasts. I can’t wait to hear, “I’m Batman. But if YOU’RE looking for self-motivated individuals, ZipRecruiter is the hero you need right now.”
I read about a robot surgeon that can operate on patients and sew them back up. In fact the robot doctor is so realistic, it actually makes fun of robot dentists.
NASA says an eclipse on Sunday could create a ring of fire, which some interpret as a sign of the apocalypse. Then God said, “Actually, I was just jonesing for some Johnny Cash.”
Bruce Johnston says The Beach Boys will reunite to record an old classic with Wilson Phillips. I’m not sure what song, but I think we can rule out “Catch a Wave.” (“In My Zoom?”)
And lastly, Scientists discovered an ancient egg laid by a massive reptile known as the mosasaur. When asked where they found it, they said, “A breakfast burrito at Taco Bell.”
Keep Your Moods Up,
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.17.20
Re: the unwritten rule you shouldn’t attack other comedians: what if you haven’t been onstage in six months and the other guy hasn’t written a joke in six years?
Also, we’ve all cried when McDonald’s got our order wrong. I cry while ordering.
Saturday is the Summer Solstice, which is now in a 365-way tie for longest day of the year.
Dr. Anthony Fauci says he would not go to a Trump campaign rally because of COVID-19. Then Trump supporters said, “Don’t worry – we’ll be safe and wear two sheets.”
Actually, a man in Wisconsin was spotted walking his dog in a KKK outfit. Look at this:
His dog was like, “You guys get the paper bag and the matches – I’ll do the rest.”
Health experts are saying that dogs should socially distance to avoid spreading COVID-17. Which is why today, I saw my dog ButtTiming with her friends.
Dogs can get COVID-19. Which is why vacuums are running from them.
Yep, dogs can get the coronavirus. Which explains why my leg’s just been getting sexts.
🚨!!!DOG JOKE TRIFECTA!!!🚨
🚨!!!DOG JOKE TRIFECTA!!!🚨
With a second wave of COVID-19 on the way, we’re supposed to be vigilant in tracking symptoms like fatigue, congestion, irritability, and hallucinations. So if you feel Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy or Dopey, stop being Bashful, make us all Happy, and go see a Doc.
Actually, the NBA is getting ready to resume play at Disney World, and it released a 113-page booklet outlining all the rules. They urged players to read it immediately, while the refs can do it with 20 seconds left in a tie game. “The dribbler took five steps, so…nine free throws for Jack Nicholson?”
I read that the better teams will stay at nicer hotels. For instance, the Lakers and Celtics will stay at the Grand Floridian, while the Knicks and Cavs will stay at the Bates Motel.
While at Disney, players will have daily movie screenings, DJs, pool, lawn games and ping pong. And Gregg Popovich in a fanny pack yelling, “I take you kids to Disney, and you want to stay at the hotel??”
Charles Barkley’s more excited to go to EPCOT, since it has a golf ball he might actually hit.
Today is National Mascot Day. And since there probably won’t be any games this year, the Phillie Phanatic decided to finally treat himself to a honk job.
Major League Baseball is on the verge of canceling its season after owners wouldn’t agree to concessions with players. That’s when you know baseball’s in trouble – when even the owners think the concessions are too expensive. (That was for you, Dad!)
With COVID-19 hitting hard in Russia, workers have set up a “disinfection tunnel” for Vladimir Putin. Or as Putin put it, “If anyone need me…
…I hack election in ball pit.”
I saw that many are leaving their homes in New York City for the Catskills. Or as they put it, “Take my apartment…please!”
Back in my hometown, Hampton Beach, New Hampshire announced it is canceling its Seafood Festival this fall. But if you still want to get free crabs…just go clubbing at Hampton Beach this summer.
And Experts say COVID-19 could force casinos to go cashless. As opposed for another way for casinos to go cashless: get purchased by Trump.
Quaker Oats is discontinuing Aunt Jemima because of its racist connotations. Then the Black community said, “Actually, we’re more offended by the Quaker Oats boxes…”
Quaker Oats says that Aunt Jemima is being removed to make progress toward racial equality. “Welp – cancel my tee time,” said Rush Limbaugh’s cardiologist.
That’s right, they’re getting rid of all the Aunt Jemima syrup on store shelves. Which is why Chris Christie showed up at Wegmans with a funnel.
No more Aunt Jemima. Trump said, “NOW what do I chug after I run down a ramp??”
🚨!!!CLUMSY DUMB GUY TRIFECTA!!!🚨
🚨!!!CLUMSY DUMB GUY TRIFECTA!!!🚨
And a former British lawmaker is calling on Kellogg’s to diversify Snap, Crackle and Pop. Kellogg’s agreed, and introduced Snap, Karen and Pop.
Yep, former lawmaker Fiona Onasanya wants to get rid of Snap, Crackle and Pop. While I’d go one step further, and ban everyone who’s not on an early-2000s sitcom from using the word “Snap.”
And lastly, Kristen Stewart will play Princess Diana in an upcoming movie. While Ricky Gervais is still choosing between Charles and Camilla.
Keep Your Mood Up (And Think Before You Tweet),
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.16.20
Wait – there are people don’t get sick from eating at Shake Shack?
Today would’ve been Tupac’s 49th birthday. Though it was weird when people posted about it on Facebook, then saw it was liked by Tupac.
Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred said he’s no longer confident there will be a 2020 season. You can tell baseball’s in trouble because in Iowa, Ray Kinsella just turned his cornfield into a Quidditch pitch.
ESPN did a “30 for 30” on Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, and McGwire’s 70th home run ball went from being worth $3 million to $250,000. Asked if any balls decreased more, McGwire said, “Yeah - mine.”
The FDA revoked its authorization of hydroxychloroquine and chloroquine to treat COVID-19. In fact, they even released this PSA that warns on the dangers of taking the drugs:
If you’re still sad about “Gone With the Wind,” there’s your new four-our time-killer.
A new poll says Joe Biden is leading Trump by 14 points. In response, Biden did 14 points.
Biden even added insult to injury to doing some stick skateboard tricks on that ramp.
Trump incorrectly stated that there is an AIDS vaccine. Then he said, “Well if there isn’t, how come all my aides quit?”
Yeah, people immediately corrected Trump, saying there is now cure for HIV. Then Trump said, “If you’re gonna do that thing where you spell big words, I’d like you to S-T-O-P-P.”
I read that many police officers across the country are quitting rather than working with communities to end brutality. Or as one guy put it…
Saturday is the Belmont Stakes. And you can tell the pandemic and quarantine had an effect just by the horse’s names.
There’s…
Next up, we have…
After him, a favorite…
This one kind of worries me, it’s…
Then there’s the filly…
I actually don’t get that, unless the next one…
Ah, there we go.
Schools named after New Hampshire native, President Franklin Pierce are being urged to change their names due to his ties to slavery. So an early congrats to graduates of the Triple H School of Nursing.
Jeremy Piven says that for $15,000, he’ll call you on Zoom. And for $16,000, he won’t.
Scientists said an edit to human embryos had a lot of unintended consequences. When asked what, scientists said, “Unfortunately, they took our charts when they flew away.”
Over 40,000 pounds of ground beef has been recalled due to E. coli. In related news, the Belmont Stakes has been canceled. (Look forward to your Belmont Steaks.)
And lastly, Hilton laid off thousands of employees. Which explains that new reality star: Paris Red Roof.
Keep Your Mood Up,
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.15.20
Led by Justice Neil Gorsuch, the Supreme Court ruled that federal law prohibits LGBTQ discrimination in the workplace. This means the LGBTQ community has the same rights as any other employee at one of America’s five remaining businesses.
Clarence Thomas and Brett Kavanaugh dissented, saying it had to do with interpretation of the law, and nothing to do with getting hammered and trying to kiss Dame Edna.
Meanwhile, T-Mobile users in D.C. suffered an outage today. Which is why Trump had to bicycle around with a bullhorn shouting “LAW & ORDER!”
But Trump’s niece Mary will release a tell-all book with salacious stories about the president. Which just goes to show we all have a racist, Trump-loving uncle.
Yep, Trump’s niece Mary will release a tell-all book. And to make sure Trump supporters buy it, she’s named the book “PICTURES OF TRUCKS!”
ABC will air an exclusive interview with John Bolton just before his book release. Well you know what they say – strike while the iron’s been replaced by a travel steamer.
Trump rescheduled a rally that was scheduled to fall on the day slavery was finally abolished, Juneteenth. Though it was troubling he said it’s to prepare for his own holiday,
”Novendoftheworld.”
In light of the pandemic, Trump advisor Larry Kudlow says people should wear masks to rallies. Then he checked the polls and told Trump, “You should wear a paper bag.”
While discussing COVID-19 today, Trump told the White House press pool, “If we stop testing right now, we’d have very few cases, if any.” Wow – I’ve never seen someone impersonate Yogi Berra, Kramer and 13-year-old me explaining to Dad why I mowed the Twilight Zone logo into our lawn – all at once!
Trump actually said: “If we stop testing right now, we’d have very few cases, if any.” While if we stop trying to take down an ice cream-loving Leslie Nielsen character who’ll serve just one term before handing the reigns to Kamala, we’d have zero Trump quotes, if any.
Google reported an increase in searches for COVID-19 symptoms. But experts say if you feel ill, you should immediately see a doctor who’ll just excuse himself and check WebMD. (Or her or themselves!)
Native American tribes have reopened casinos despite state opposition. When told they could be spreading a deadly disease, Native Americans said, “The very idea.”
Mayor de Blasio and Governor Cuomo’s decision to cancel religious services led to a lawsuit from priests and rabbis. But to show how divided we are, the minister just walked out of the bar.
Actually, a new poll shows that American Pride is at an all time low. I kind of got that feeling when I saw the trailer for Marvel’s next movie, “Captain Antarctica.”
Speaking of movies, the 2021 Oscars were moved to next April due to COVID-19. Which seems unnecessary, since the entire show is basically one long Zoom meeting.
“Somebody mute Joaquin…”
The Oscars are postponed. I guess it would be weird on the red carpet hearing, “Who are you wearing?” “Mask and hazmat suit!!” “Who are you wearing?” “Mask and hazmat suit!!”
And Ted Cruz tweeted at “Hellboy” actor Ron Perlman, challenging him to wrestle Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan. Meaning we now have a tie for creepiest manager…
“Ohhhh yes, porn link on 9/11!”
Then Trump said, “You guys wanna wrestle in a cage??”
And if you’re a baseball fan, don’t forget to download the new update to “MLB: The Show,” where your team just spends the whole summer watching basketball.
Engineers have developed the first-ever underwater WiFi system. So if you thought 2020 was bad before, wait til bin Laden joins Twitter. (And tweets about “The Bachelor.”)
And lastly, a new study found that up to 37 intelligent life forms could be living in our galaxy. Then scientists said, “Whoops forgot about Earth – 36.”
So goddamn. Lots of bad stuff, like the tragic death of Oluwatoyin Salau, the lack of charges brought against those who killed Breonna Taylor, and the ominous forecasts for COVID-19. So I’ll try to leave you with something positive. And for that, I take you back to my old neighborhood of Astoria, Queens. I cannot tell you how much I miss New York City. I didn’t think it was possible to be in New Hampshire, seeing my parents, and feel this homesick. While there was a lot I took for granted in New York City, I never took New York City itself for granted, and I loved Astoria. In fact, I’ll argue that there’s no friendlier neighborhood on the planet, and no safer, happier place than my favorite bagel shop…
…Okay, so now that everywhere’s the worst let’s move on to Hoboken. In the fall of 2016, a week before the Election, we moved there. I don’t know if it was the timing or other stresses, but I never felt at home in Hoboken. In Astoria, I was always in a good mood going to work. It may not have shown, but I was – because every day on the way to the Steinway subway stop, I would see something funny. Whether it was a literal clown car or a dog in high tops, I always saw something that made me smile. I never really had that in Hoboken. Except for once.
Shortly after my daughter was born, when it felt like things were settling down, I went for a run along the Hudson one Sunday night. When I was done, I was stretching and admiring the rainbow lights on the Empire State Building to mark Pride. Soon after, I saw two guys walking my direction holding hands. I thought: You know? Finally – something that’s great. It’s really great that this couple can enjoy a warm summer night and be happy without fear of judgment, bullying, or worse.
Then I turned the other way, and saw the guys in the tracksuits. Older guys, exiting an Italian restaurant on the water. In New Jersey. Did I mention they were wearing tracksuits? Toothpicks in their mouths, they walked toward the couple and I thought: Oh no. I’ve seen “Johnny Cakes.” This isn’t good. Next thing I knew, there I was – standing in between these cocky guys in track suits, and this couple nervously stopped as Paulie and the Walnuts flashed their eyes over to the Empire State Building.
Finally, right as I was about to play “hero,” the lead Walnut smiled and said something I’ll never forget: “Hey! Happy Gay Day!” Then, all the other tracksuits said, “Yeah! Happy Gay Day!” After exchanging waves, these two happy, smiling entities passed – and that was the one thing I saw that made me laugh – and I mean laugh – in Hoboken. I loved every aspect of it. It reminded me of my old neighborhood, where everyone was different but accepting – albeit in a goofy, left-of-center way.
But there’s a greater lesson here. I’m pretty sure “Happy Gay Day” isn’t necessarily the proper greeting for Pride. But it came from a good place, and it was the tracksuit way of saying, “We’re with you.” And I think that’s crucial right now – realizing that we may not say the right thing, and you may not hear the right thing. But pay attention to the tone. More often than not, it is, “We’re with you.” If you’ve made it this far, you know I’m with you. Especially everyone in New York City – and know that at every moment of every day, I hope there’s a time we can be there again, together.
Keep Your Moods Up, And Happy Pride,
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.14.20
My Good Sir…
Today, President Trump turned 74 years old. And tomorrow, he should reach the bottom of that ramp.
In case you haven’t seen it, here’s Trump exiting the stage at West Point’s graduation:
There you go – another thing that lasted longer than the Confederacy.
May we all have the restraint of the West Point Band tuba player.
Wow – even when he’s congratulating the military his bone spurs act up.
Did Eric drop his Legos again?
When he got to the bottom, he said, “Is my term over yet? Crap. I’ll go back up again…”
Well, certainly even Trump wouldn’t - oh wait, yep, here it is:
“Momentum!”
Yes. Smart move not giving us anything at all to have fun with, President Stay Puft.
I get it though – you’d hate to see him fall and get a ramp stamp.
“Ran ten feet.” I guess that’s why he was telling his FitBit, “Fake Watch!”
Based on Trump’s behavior, some say he may have suffered a stroke. And that may be, because the other day, I noticed one of his tweets had zero typos.
People think Trump may have had a stroke, and one person even asked, “Does this mean we need to feel sorry for him?” Then the doctors said, “Well, he is your husband.”
But today was Trump’s birthday. And to celebrate, he rented his advisors a bouncy jail.
He had a fun party - but it got awkward when Trump needed that soldier from West Point to hoist him up on his shoulders to whack the piñata.
After angering the LGBTQ community, Trump is also losing the female vote by an historic margin. I guess that explains Trump’s new running mate: “Michelle” Pence. “Do I have to call my wife ‘Father’ now?”
Yeah, Trump’s poll numbers continue to drop quickly. Or as his staff told him, “Momentum!”
Well, it happened again…
An Atlanta police officer was fired and another suspended after a black man named Rayshard Brooks was shot, after allegedly stealing a tazer and running away during a DUI stop. Because if there’s one person who’s a threat, it’s a drunk guy running away while trying to figure out an electronic device.
The cops said, “What were we supposed to do?” And witnesses said, “Wait five steps?”
This led to the resignation of Atlanta Police Chief Erika Shields, who weeks ago went viral by peacefully conversing with protestors. The city denies this is an impulsive PR stunt, and said all should sleep soundly under the watchful eye of Chief Fuhrman.
It all started because Brooks’ car was “blocking” a Wendy’s drive-thru. That’s it. That’s all. To put that in perspective: I don’t drink, and I once gave my order twice before realizing I was talking into a garbage can.
Last night, protestors came and burned the Wendy’s down, leaving nothing but charred remains. So this morning, the owner showed up and put up a new sign that said “Arby’s.”
Due to their name’s association to the Confederacy, Lady Antebellum announced they are changing their name to Lady A. Said Kid Rock, “Please - call me Lady Antebellum.”
Yep, Lady Antebellum is changing its name to Lady A. Provided it’s not an alias being used by Lindsey Graham.
Fox News confused a Reddit post quoting a line from “Monty Python & The Holy Grail” with a report about in-fighting in the Seattle Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone. Which still isn’t as bad as the footage they released of “riots”:
Some NBA players are now having second thoughts about resuming the season, because basketball would distract from important political movements. I disagree, because when I’m asked how I’m voting, I say, “Not for the guy who looks like a basketball.”
Players had a call to discuss it. Kyrie Irving said he doesn’t think they should play; LeBron said they should; then Vladimir Putin said, “Is not important, I have already picked winner.,”
There’s also the matter of whether it’s actually safe to resume play in light of COVID-19. I guess the players got nervous when they asked if it’s safe and the doctor said...
And in baseball news: turns out Tom Hanks was wrong.
I read that COVID-19 has Spain’s bullfighters asking for a bailout. I guess when they opened the pens, the bulls said, “Actually, could you close that til there’s a vaccine?”
A man in Belgium has spent his quarantine on a treadmill walking 1,000 miles. When asked what he does for work, he said, “I’m in charge of developing a COVID-19 vaccine.”
Yeah, a guy walked 1,000 miles. Friends call him dedicated to fitness, while The Proclaimers called him a showoff.
There’s actually some pretty amazing footage of the guy walking 1,000 miles. Take a look:
Yeah, I know none of these Trump jokes will age well. But neither will we.
Students in North Conway, New Hampshire held a socially distant graduation at a ski resort, where they rode a chairlift to the top of a mountain to receive their diploma. And really, what’s better than getting your diploma and hearing, “It’s all downhill from here!”
Keep Your Mood Up,
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.11.20
My name is Jon, and I will never be famous enough to star in a bad anti-racism PSA.
If you had NASCAR being more woke than “Harry Potter,” did the bleach cure your COVID?
NASCAR driver Ray Ciccarelli said he’s quitting because he can’t display the Confederate flag. On the bright side, there’s now an Uber driver who can reach you in 10 seconds.
After “Cops” was canceled, some are calling for the cancelation of the children’s show “Paw Patrol.” I feel like telling these people to take a deep breath…but the CDC says that’s not allowed until Phase 7.
Eric Trump actually tweeted “Now the left wants to cancel ‘Paw Patrol.’ These people are truly insane.” And I get it – I mean, then what would he watch?
After protests in Seattle, President Trump said, “Take back your city NOW. If you don’t do it, I will. This is not a game. These ugly Anarchists must be stopped IMMEDIATELY. MOVE FAST!” Then the people on the other end said…
White House aides have apparently turned off tweet notifications from President Trump. Instead, they’ll just listen for a toilet flush.
Joe Biden says if Trump loses and refuses to leave the White House, he will deploy the military to remove him. Then I called my rheumatologist to ask what would happen if I ate 30 tubs of popcorn.
Yeah, Biden said if Trump refuses to leave the, he will have the military remove him. Then one guy said, “Don’t worry, Dad – we still got Paw Patrol!”
During his daily COVID-17 address, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he supports Manhattan’s statue of Christopher Columbus, because it represents the “Italian-American contribution in New York.” Even Little Caesar was like, “Tone deaf, tone deaf!”
Yep, the same week Chris Cuomo appeared nude in his wife’s yoga video, Andrew defended Columbus. The last time I saw two Italian brothers under this much fire, it was coming from Bowser.
Disneyland is planning to reopen on July 17. But it’s not a good sign when you exit the Haunted Mansion and the ghosts say, “See ya soon for orientation!”
24 Hour Fitness has been laying-off employees over the phone. While to cancel your membership, you must use a quill to pen thousand-word letter, then send a hummingbird to deliver it in a tornado.
Business Insider posted a list of the best cities to live in after the pandemic, with number one being Springfield, Illinois. Topping its list of worst cities: Sneezeport, South Diarrhea.
Meanwhile, Sony announced its economic recovery plan: sell one PlayStation 5.
Sony unveiled PS5, and it costs 500 dollars. Analysts called it the best ad yet for PS4.
The games are different. In NBA 2K, “MyPlayer” is just you at home playing NBA 2K; and in Grand Theft Auto, you take whatever car you want since all the police have been fired.
NBA fans noticed Nuggets star Nikola Jokic lost a lot of weight during quarantine.
Here he is before:
Now here he is after:
Elon Musk is working on a new transport system to take people from Las Vegas out to the Raiders’ new stadium. He says it’s kind of like the subway, except it’s just like the subway.
Scientists in Louisiana say they’ve discovered a pill that can stop obesity. Now comes the hard part: teaching people how to snort a pill.
And scientists in Japan say they have discovered the perfect hug. One thing those scientists haven’t discovered: news.
Ancient footprints show that ancient crocodiles may have run around on land. And you can tell the footprints are ancient, because they were left by Reebok Pumps.
“Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling wrote a 3,600-word essay defending her stance on the transgender community, giving people who own her books a year’s supply of toilet paper.
Yep, J.K. Rowling defended an awful position. Or as fans call it, “a Dumbledown.” (Note: I searched EVERYWHERE for this joke and couldn’t find it. So either I’ve become the Old Man in the Apple Store, or literally nobody is funny. May God have mercy on us all.)
And lastly, “Sopranos” creator David Chase inadvertently revealed whether Tony Soprano was killed in the show’s infamous final scene. And if you want to learn for yourself, check out the new book, “The
The Daily Dozen 6.10.20
Rock/Cena 2024??? (DONATE HERE)
When asked what name he wanted to donate under, he said “John Ce—uhhh, you know what? Hulk Hogan. And here’s his email and phone number…”
NASCAR announced it is banning the Confederate flag from all events. Those on the right are upset, but what do you expect from guys who are always turning left?
Some NASCAR fans expressed disappointment in the decision, while drivers said, “WHAT?? YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT FOR CIRCUMCISION??”
Don’t worry - if you’re jonesing for going nowhere but also crashing, you’ve got five more months of Trump.
This is pretty crazy: a new poll found that 27% of Americans see President Trump as a man of faith. Then they said, “Oh, faith? I thought you said cakes.”
Trump’s actually got a lot in common with Jesus: they inherited everything from their dad; they only have 12 friends; and they each spent three days underground.
HBO Max is pulling “Gone With the Wind,” because it’s afraid of the message it will send to young people. Kids were furious – they said, “Now how do I do my summer reading??”
Meanwhile, Paramount has canceled “COPS.” But you can still look forward to its spinoffs: “CAMPUS SECURITY,” “MUSEUM GUARDS” and “INMATES.”
I guess they realized it didn’t make sense to produce “COPS,” since everyone in America has filmed an entire season on their smartphone.
Police Benevolent Association President Patrick Lynch gave a speech, and people noticed that he looks a lot like Henry Winkler:
It makes sense he looks like Fonzie, since the Minneapolis Police Department is now located in a diner’s bathroom.
Yeah, he looks like Fonzie. The only difference is instead of elbowing the jukebox, he leans on it for nine minutes until it stops playing.
Bernie Sanders said he is against defunding the police, and wants to pay cops more. Then Bernie supporters said, “Can you believe Hillary dressed up as Bernie and said that??”
Tucker Carlson went on a rant against Elmo, for comments made during a “Sesame Street” town hall on racism. When asked what it’s like feuding with a puppet, Elmo said, “I’m not tickled.” #DoubleJoke
Yep, Tucker Carlson vs. Elmo. Or as Brian Kilmeade calls that, “Sophie’s Choice.”
I read that hair products typically purchased by black shoppers are now locked up in Walmart. And a white guy’s mad because looting made him close his meth lab in aisle 7.
Multiple security agencies have purchased a mysterious device that can eavesdrop on phone calls. Now comes the hard part: waiting for someone in 2020 to make a phone call.
Agencies like the FBI and CIA are apparently eavesdropping. I could tell just by watching “Millionaire,” when someone used their Phone-A-Friend and a third voice said, “She’s wrong – it’s Spiro T. Agnew.”
Someone beheaded a Christopher Columbus statue in Boston’s North End. Take a look:
Then the Mayor said, “Uh…how do you like our new Ichabod Crane statue??”
But don’t worry – Boston officials announced a plan to rebuild the statue that will last just 20 years. (Credit to Tommy Rico)
Someone beheaded an Italian in Boston’s North End. And I had the same thought as you…
(Fun fact: that’s the only parrot that refused to repeat what it heard.)
And in Virginia, people removed a Columbus statue and threw it in a river. They tried the same thing in New Jersey, but he blended in with the other Italians in the river…
You can tell Trump’s a little confused about the vandalism, because went to Madame Tussauds and stood in front of Columbo. “I stand by ALL law enforcement!!”
The removal of the Columbus statues is meant to protest how white people stole the land of Native Americans. Said Native Americans, “Don’t worry – we’ve got another plan…”
Well this is a total shocker: COVID-19 numbers have apparently risen in 21 states. Or as Trump tweeted, “Numbers up in 21 states! Thank you!”
United Airlines is asking passengers to pass a health checklist before flying. Simple questions, like “Have you recovered from the Scorpion bites you got boarding a United flight? And are your bruises from being dragged off a United flight?”
It’s looking more likely the baseball season is going to be canceled due to COVID-19 concerns. You can tell players are worried – today in Iowa, Joe Jackson wore shoes.
Then a voice from the cornfield whispered, “Don’t build it.”
Coachella is officially canceled this year. So if you want to see Rage Against the Machine, come over and watch me teach Mom how to use Netflix. “I want to watch ‘Tiger Things’!” “It’s ‘Tiger King.’” “What about ‘Stranger Cards’??” “No - it only has ‘Cheers.’”
In England, Prime Minister Boris Johnson lifted certain COVID-19 restrictions, allowing people who don’t live together to have sex. Said one woman…
Well, no better time than now: Cracker Barrel will now serve alcohol. While at IHOP, you actually need to be drunk to enter.
Yep, Cracker Barrel is serving alcohol. In related news, “COPS” has just been renewed.
Experts believe they may have finally discovered the ancient Tomb of Cleopatra. The weird thing is, they found it in Carole Baskin’s backyard.
Michael Jordan recently caught a 442-pound marlin. Then the marlin won 442 bucks playing poker with Michael Jordan.
A new study shows that great white sharks have no idea what’s going on outside their habitat until they grow up. You can read all about it in, “Sharks: Just Like People.”
And a New Jersey man says a whale nearly capsized his boat. To be fair, he did tell the whale it was an awful Governor.
I saw that Prince Philip turned 99 years old today. When asked how he and the Queen would celebrate, he said, “Jester and chill.”
A New Hampshire man can return to New York, after paying a parking ticket from the 70s. Then Son of Sam said, “That’s all it takes?? Here’s my cash! See y’all on the bullety-blop!”
And speaking of New Hampshire, the owner of my old gig, the Hampton Cinemas has set up a drive-in to play movies in a CVS parking lot during social distancing. Take a look:
The only catch is going behind the screen to sneak in candy from CVS. “No outside Twix!”
Yep, John Tinios reopened a makeshift Hampton Cinemas outside CVS. When asked where he got the screen he said, “That’s actually my receipt from CVS.”
Yep, a drive-in at a CVS during quarantine. Which means you can go inside the store and use a self-checkout, then get in your car and do a self-makeout.
Keep Your Mood Up,
Jon
The Daily Dozen 6.9.20
UPDATED BAND STANDINGS HERE
While you’re at it, go read up on BLONDIE CHAPLIN and RICKY FATAAR. Like many white Americans, I’m trying to do more listening than talking, as quite frankly, I really don’t know as much as any of us should. But if there’s one thing I absolutely know, it’s The Beach Boys. In the early 70s, Brian Wilson quit, Bruce Johnston was fired, David Marks declined an invitation to rejoin, and Dennis Wilson was forced to stop drumming due to a hand injury. Its future uncertain, the band recruited Blondie and Ricky to stabilize its sound both in the studio and onstage - earning them Rolling Stone’s “Live Band of the Year” honors in 1974. Though I remain doubtful of any further reunions, I hope if one takes place, Blondie and Ricky are invited to join Brian, Mike, Dave, Al and Bruce one last time.
And speaking of music from the 70s…
The Village People asked President Trump to stop playing their song “Macho Man” at his rallies. While the cop from The Village People beat up the rest of The Village People.
Yep, The Village People asked Trump to stop playing “Macho Man.” Instead, he’ll play their other song: “In The Navy, But Bone Spurs…”
Trump tweeted that Martin Gugino, the 75-year-old man who was knocked over by Buffalo police, “fell harder than he was pushed.” Then he said, “And if you look close, the cop who pushed him is clearly Joe Scarborough! COVER-UP!”
Yep, Trump defended police for knocking down a 75-year-old. But it’ll even out in November when Trump gets knocked down by a 77-year-old.
A new poll has Joe Biden ahead of Trump by 14 points. “And you can always count on polls!” said President Hillary Clinton.
This is pretty gruesome: a pig’s head was left outside an LAPD police station. But that would explain why today’s episode of “Looney Tunes” just kept going.
The editor of Bon Appétit magazine, Adam Rapaport has resigned in what many are calling the most shocking white-guy-in-blackface scandal all minute.
NASCAR’s only black driver, Bubba Wallace asked that tracks ban the Confederate flag. He also asked police to stop pulling him over during races.
Baseball umpire Angel Hernandez is in trouble for eavesdropping on a phone call between MLB officials and another umpire. Marking the first call Hernandez didn’t miss.
I read that free drink coupons are currently useless on Southwest Airlines flights, because they haven’t resumed alcohol service. While boarding passes are useless, as the pilots won’t return until they resume alcohol service.
Renovations to the Golden Gate Bridge have caused it to make an odd singing noise. Even worse – at the end of each song, it says to go check out its SoundCloud.
Researchers found that using contraceptives can make women gain weight. While not using contraceptives can…well, make women gain weight.
Officials in Detroit busted a man sneaking cocaine in from Canada using a submarine. They knew something was up when people on a bridge heard a boat singing.
Donate to Joe Biden HERE
Most importantly, Rest in Peace George Floyd,
Jon
Now, here’s Blondie…
The Daily Dozen 6.8.20
Well, Nancy Pelosi is now your aunt who saw Harry Belafonte at the Hollywood Bowl:
House Democrats were mocked for wearing stoles made of Kente cloth to show solidarity with the black community. Even worse, Bernie Sanders put a phonograph on his shoulder and called himself “Radio Rahim.”
Democrats said that the stoles were given to them by the Black Congressional Caucus. Then Pelosi said, “Wait – this is the Black Congressional Caucus, right?…”
Mitt Romney surprised some by marching at a Black Lives Matter rally in Utah. Said Romney, “The only KKK I support is Keen Kneeling Khakis!”
Here’s a selfie Romney took during the protests:
What you don’t see is the text that says, “Went to get Almond milk, got stuck.”
Piers Morgan says Trump should take a knee on live TV. To compromise, they’re just going to film him after he climbs the steps out of his bunker. “Just gimme, like, four more hours…”
Some say the answer is defunding police entirely. So if you’re one of those people, please buy me – I mean, “you” – the Ghostbusters PS4 game and a Beach Boys pinball machine.
In a speech to 2020 graduates, Michelle Obama said, “Don’t ever, ever let anyone tell you you’re too angry.” Then Barack muttered, “Remember that the next time they forget to bag my Nicorette.”
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced 20 miles of new bus service for Phase 1 of COVID-19 reopening. Yep, 20 miles – or, half a White House fence.
It’s reported that Kim Jong Un socially distanced himself from colleagues during a meeting. Yep, they sat one place, and he sat outside his dogs’ stomachs.
In sports news, Conor McGregor has again retired from UFC. But at least we’ll have something fun to watch to the next time Buffalo police encounter a retiree.
McGregor retired for the third time in four years. When asked if it’s due to exhaustion, he said, “Nah – each time we retire, they get us cupcakes from Magnolia.”
McGregor retired. But don’t worry – you can still see some great fighting inside this cage:
People noticed that Trump’s only “liked” tweet is about the HBO show “Insecure.” Said Trump, “Issa and Molly are soooooo like me and Pence…I mean, thumb slipped! Sad!”
Trump liked an “Insecure” tweet. You know what they say: “Insecure Recognize Insecure.”
Dunkin Donuts will offer college courses to employees. And this is cool: their archeology course is just studying the donuts in the display case. “Ooh, a Paleozoic cruller!”
Because of COVID-19, Hollywood plans to use CGI to produce sex scenes. Said one guy:
Speaking of which, CNN’s Chris Cuomo was caught in the background of one of his wife’s yoga videos. Or as James Earl Jones put it, “This…is T.M.I.”
Chris Cuomo appeared nude in his wife’s yoga video. Weird – I thought Anderson Cooper did the Ball Drop.
Chris Cuomo was outside his house and naked. Then his brother said, “I’ve reinstated the curfew for one of you.”
Yeah, Cuomo was walking around nude. Or as he said, “This just out.”
Yeah, really not what I had in mind when he promised updated poll numbers.
Cuomo was completely nude in his wife’s yoga video. Please tell me Lou Dobbs’ wife doesn’t do yoga.
Yep, Chris Cuomo was walking around a garden nude. Then Larry King said, “Just like I did with Eve!”
That’s right. Chris Cuomo gardens naked. Which explains his new name: Dong Lemon.
The Daily Dozen 6.7.20
Well if things go south with Jared, she’s always got Hologram Tupac!
Even Kim Jong Un was like, “Have her hold up today’s newspaper…”
The big news is today, Minneapolis’ city council said it plans to disband its police force. Or as it’ll soon be reported, “Mall cops suspended for kicking mannequin.”
In a statement, the Minneapolis City Council said, “This is a sensitive situation, and we feel it’s in everyone’s best interest to tell 800 people with guns they’re fired at the same time.”
With all the violence displayed by officers, it’s just a matter of time before someone throws the book at them. And I’m gonna guess it’ll be a “Harry Potter” book.
“Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling is facing criticism for transphobic tweets. Which again raises the question: “Can you separate the artist from their WiFi connection?”
Yep, J.K. Rowling attacked the transgender community. But it’s important to remember that regardless of her opinions, her books are still a giant waste of time.
Speaking of wastes, President Trump visited Maine over the weekend. But there was an awkward moment when a lobsterman bound his hands and threw him into a crate.
Yep, Trump visited Maine. And Pennywise actually warned children not to approach him.
Mitt Romney and George W. Bush announced they would not vote for Trump. Romney will consider Biden, while Bush will do like always and write-in Amanda Hugginkiss. “Did it even when I was runnin’! Hehe!”
Romney and Bush said they would not vote for Trump – this election. Which is the political version of telling your spouse, “I won’t sleep with your boss tonight.”
After former Secretary of Defense Colin Powell said he won’t vote for Trump, the president called him a “real stiff.” And after that, Mike Pence said he won’t vote for Trump. “I know when I’m being disrespected…”
Yep, Colin Powell will not vote for Trump. Of course when I heard the word “colon,” I assumed Ted Cruz was getting even more specific….
Don’t worry – Ted Cruz can store food in his welts for up to four months. It’s when he sheds that you have a problem.
After looting during protests, an editor of the Philadelphia Enquirer resigned over the headline “Buildings Matter Too.” Which explains this morning’s panel on Fox & Friends…
WILLIS TOWER: “AM I STILL CALLED THE WILLIS TOWER OR IS IT SOMETHING NEW AGAIN?”
Fox News also apologized for running a graphic showing stock market gains after the murders of George Floyd, Michael Brown and Martin Luther King Jr. But it didn’t help when they tried to even things out by showing hat market gains after JFK.
In Portland, Oregon, a llama showed up at a Black Lives Matter rally. Nobody’s sure how it got there, but since it’s Portland, maybe it drove?
Yep, a llama attended a Black Lives Matter rally. The crowd called him a morale booster, while the police tried to plant some nunchucks on him. “It was either him or the emu!”
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio announced he was canceling the city’s curfew a day early. Then he said, “Now will you kids please give me my pants back? Fine - just my shoes??”
The NYPD is telling officers to watch out for concrete-filled tennis balls during protests. In fact, they’ve already put their top detective on the case:
(My daughter is writing jokes for the blog now.)
Last night, NBA Legend Bill Russell tweeted at Trump calling him a divisive coward. Proving that all these years later, Russ is still great at swatting some orange leather.
And Michael Jordan donated $100 million to fight for racial equality. Right after Isiah Thomas donated $99 million.
The NBA is thinking of using fan noise from NBA 2K for its crowd-less games. And it’s a good thing the Knicks are out, because even in the game, they chant, “SELL THE TEAM!”
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers could sign Colin Kaepernick to back up Tom Brady. The NFL says it would allow Kaepernick to go from not playing at all to never playing at all.
Actually, there is some concern about Tom Brady’s durability. You’ll know an opponent thinks he’s old when its defense is made up of Buffalo police officers.
Despite warnings of a new wave of COVID-19, New Hampshire beaches opened up this weekend. Which explains the state’s new motto: “Live Free or Die or Both.”
Warner Brothers announced that Elmer Fudd will no longer carry a gun. So look forward to Republicans saying, “A good guy with an anvil stops a bad guy with an anvil!”
It’s rumored that James Bond will be a father in the next film. There’s even a tense scene where his baby hands him an iPad and says, “Shark. Baby Shark. (And I want that rattle shaken, not…ah, you know.)”
It’s actually easy to pick out Bond’s kid in the nursery – he’s the one in a tuxedo onesie.
Yep, James Bond will apparently be a dad. But it gets weird when they call him with an urgent mission and he says, “Can’t – I’m teaching my kids, still.”
And lastly, the owner of Chicago’s Second City improv theater resigned after accusations of racism. Now that he’s unemployed, he signed up for improv classes at the Second City.
Proud of this aspect of my home state,
Jon
Credit: Seacoast Online
The Daily Dozen 6.4.20
How many calls do you think Oprah got from Drew Brees and Lea Michele last night?
DONATE TO JOE BIDEN HERE
DONATE TO BLACK LIVES MATTER HERE
All four Minneapolis police officers have now been arrested and charged for the murder of George Floyd. To make sure they’re in good hands, the city hired the prison guard who watched Jeffrey Epstein.
The NBA announced that it’s coming back, and playing all its games at Disney World with no fans. The first game will tip off July 31st, the mics will pick up 10 seconds of trash talk, then Disney will cancel the season.
After being off since March, the NBA will resume play on July 31st. And on the first game back, Gregg Popovich will still sit five players for rest. #TooManySportsJokesRineman!
Los Angeles experienced a 5.5 magnitude earthquake. Don’t worry – it was just from Trump falling down the stairs to his bunker. “I’m okay! Tie was a few feet too long!”
Yeah, there was a giant Earthquake in Los Angeles. And I think 2020 shows that sometimes, even God forgets to pause his “Sims” game before he goes to school.
As if that isn’t enough, a giant asteroid will pass by Earth on Saturday. It’s as big as two Empire State Buildings, one stadium, or half a Charles Barkley before he heard he’d be back on TV this year.
Yep, there’s a giant asteroid passing by Earth. People have a tough choice: do we root for it to hit some dinosaurs, or just vote them out in November?
Don’t worry – the only Rock that crushed Trump today was Dwayne Johnson.
The Rock released an impassioned video where he said, “Where are you? Where is our leader?” And when Trump said, “I’m down in my bunk—” The Rock said, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE YOU ARE YOU PUTIN-ROOTIN’ TEN-DOLLAR SUITIN’ JABRONI!”
Then he closed by saying, “If you smell what The Rock is cookin’! But…I know you can’t, because of the masks we have to wear thanks to that Putin-rootin’ jabroni.”
Televangelist Pat Robertson condemned Trump for his “law and order” response to protests. However he also praised Trump for elevating the phrase “Jesus Christ.”
After Trump visited a church and held up a Bible, the White House compared him to Winston Churchill. Then Trump said, “Ah yes – my fourth favorite Ghostbuster!”
Experts are saying a photo where Hitler appears to hold a Bible like Trump is photoshopped. It turns out the book he’s holding is actually “The Art of the Deal.”
Trump’s former Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis released a statement in The Atlantic blasting the president for his use of military force. You know things are backwards when a guy named “Donald” jolts us awake, and a guy named “Mad Dog” helps us sleep.
In response, Trump criticized Mattis, claiming his real nickname was “Chaos” and that Trump gave him the nickname “Mad Dog.” Then he said, “And if you don’t believe me, ask my kids – Mad Dog, Mad Dog Jr. and Girl Dog. I am very good with nicknames. Just ask Earvin ‘Chaos’ Johnson.”
Jimmy Carter issued a statement on Trump’s response to protests, saying, “We need a government as good as its people, and we are better than this.” Then Carter said, “Wait – I’m still alive??” #ThatsHowYouDoThatJoke
Minnesota’s Governor is sending National Guard troops to the state’s border with North Dakota, citing “credible threats.” North Dakota residents said, “That is an insult to us both!”
And South Dakota’s Governor is apparently working with Trump officials on a Mount Rushmore Flyover. Which means right now, aides are telling Trump, “No, they don’t ‘sing like the Country Bears’.”
That’s right, South Dakota is working with the White House to have Trump fly over Mount Rushmore. The only hold up is who pays for the cannon.
Readers are angry at the New York Times after they let Senator Tom Cotton pen an op-ed encouraging military intervention. The paper begged subscribers not to leave, so they don’t miss the crossword edited by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Yep, many are angry about the Times picking Cotton to write an op-ed. Said fellow Republicans, “What’s this about picking cotton??”
“Fox & Friends” host Brian Kilmeade mocked people using the song “Imagine” to unite, saying John Lennon – again, John Lennon – would not be safe in New York City. Then he said, “It’s awful! You can’t even put your Lindbergh baby on the window sill!”
And Piers Morgan and Rudy Giuliani got into a shouting match on British TV. When he heard there was some of white-on-white violence, Trump deployed The Osmonds and Vampire Weekend.
The Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle released a video addressing the murder of George Floyd, saying, “The only wrong thing to say is nothing.” While the Queen released a video where she appeared to squint harder.
Sesame Street will air a town hall that discusses racism. But it’ll be weird when Elmo says…
And for any fans of “The Muppet Show,” you can go on YouTube to see Piers Morgan argue with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew….
Bills quarterback Jake Fromm apologized after saying only “elite white people” should have guns. Showing once again that Drew Brees can make a great handoff.
Athletes were denouncing Drew Brees for his stance on National Anthem protests. LeBron James said Brees still doesn’t get it; Richard Sherman called Brees “lost”; and Joey Chestnut invited him to the Nathan’s Foot-Eating Contest.
But Drew Brees apologized for his remarks, saying, “After some serious soul searching, I finally realized I play and live in New Orleans, Louisiana.”
A new poll found that Joe Biden is currently winning in Ohio, Arizona and Wisconsin. Which is why Biden’s campaign canceled all his speeches in Ohio, Arizona and Wisconsin.
Trump retweeted an old Biden speech, where the Vice President called for closer ties with China. Though if I were Trump…I’d try to avoid anything that combines “ties” and “China.”
Virginia Governor Ralph Northam plans to remove a statue of Robert E. Lee. It’s already received widespread coverage in this month’s issue of “Excellent Idea – But Now??”
That’s right, Ralph Northam – who is believed to have appeared in blackface in a college yearbook photo – wants to do this. Talk about the pot calling the kettle either black or the guy next to him dressed as a Klansman.
Russia declared a state of emergency after an oil spill in the Arctic. It’s quite serious, and I’m sure you’ll want to help out after seeing this picture of the Russian oil disaster:
A man who dressed as The Joker was arrested for setting a police car on fire in Chicago. While a man who dressed as Two-Face is trying to remove a statue of Robert E. Lee.
And lastly, some news for “Tiger King” fans: handwriting experts say the will of Carole Baskin’s missing ex-husband appears to have been forged. When asked how they knew, they said, “For starters, it’s a paw print.”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon
And now, a word from our President…
The Daily Dozen 6.3.20
“Okay – who wrote this Burn Book about me?”
If it’s any consolation, his shoulder is sore from lifting it while his hand’s still sizzling.
After Trump forced his way to a photo-op in front of a church, a prominent White House figure said it just made things worse. When asked if their name could be used, they replied, “Say ‘Anonymous First Lady.’”
Actually, a photo was released from the president’s visit to the church with the First Lady:
My bad – that’s their wedding photo. “This was the only way her family wouldn’t boo me.”
Melania said, “I can still fit into that black dress! Not that I’m…hoping for…something…”
Meanwhile, Trump says he only visited the White House bunker to “make an inspection.” Specifically, to see if there was a phone charger next to the toilet.
Twitter says it will only censor tweets that are especially offensive. Like “Trump holding a Bible?? That’s like if (some lazy analogy that isn’t actually a joke)! Link to my special in bio!”
Defense Secretary Mark Esper went against Trump, saying the military should not be used to silence protesters. In response, Trump signed an Executive Order downgrading The Pentagon to The Square. “Don’t make me go Triangle! I swear I’ll go Triangle!”
Trump’s approval rating is slipping across the board, and is now at 39%. Marking just the latest way he’s brought our country back to the ‘30s.
And with North Carolina unable to host the Republican Convention, Trump needs a new venue to house all his supporters. And I think his staff did a great job finding an alternative:
And Saints quarterback Drew Brees says he refuses to “disrespect” the flag, and will not take a knee during the National Anthem. His fullbacks also promised not to take a knee – until Brees yells “Hike!”
A California auto dealer says looters stole 74 cars. Then he said, “But let me talk to my manager and see if I can get it down to 70. 😉”
Yep, 74 cars were stolen from an auto dealership. Meanwhile, one of its employees protested peacefully…
Yesterday, the music industry observed “Blackout Tuesday” – or as Keith Richards calls it, “Tuesday.” BUT FOLKS!
Actually, Blackout Tuesday was the music industry’s moment of silence to honor the memory of George Floyd, with many services going offline. Then today, 3 Doors Down said, “Weird – our music’s still not showing up…”
Philadelphia removed its defaced (improved?) statue of controversial mayor Frank Rizzo.
Said another statue…
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio says the MTA should enforce social distancing by blocking off every other seat on the subway. So in an ironic twist, the heroes in all this could be handbags and douchebags.
New York’s Metropolitan Opera canceled its fall season. As a result, the draft is pushed back to February, with free agency to begin in March. “Love this pick at falsetto, Chris! Big pipes, modest testicles, expect him to make an impact immediately.”
The NBA is officially set to resume play at Disney World on July 31. Or as you’ll soon read, “Seven Dwarfs 113, Knicks 86.”
The Postal Service has been hit hard by COVID-19, and may need a bailout. Though it doesn’t help that we can only lick stamps that have been quarantined for 14 days.
In Vermont, a man is facing charges after he threw a pickle from a car at a highway worker. Police opened the case immediately – then their friend said, “But I loosened it for you!”
When they examined the evidence, police said, “This just isn’t kosher.”
You know somewhere, someone’s like….
Heavy rains have led giant toxic toads to start mating in Florida. Confirming scientists’ longstanding theory that toads love “The Notebook.”
Yep, giant toxic toads are now mating in Florida. People aren’t sure what’s worse – the giant toads having sex, or the Murder Hornets filming it.
There’s a new documentary coming out about the rise and fall of businessman Ted Ngoy called “The Donut King.” People were really excited, until they heard the donuts were made of tigers. “Ugh – this again??”
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon
