A Few Jokes from "News on the Nines" on Rineman in the Morning in 2023

A physician in Ohio was recognized as the world’s oldest doctor, at 101 years old. When asked why he’s still a doctor, he said: “Because I’m too young to be president.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has suggested building a prison next to Disney World. Or as kids call that, “EPCOT.”

Bernie Sanders has launched an investigation into workplace injuries at Amazon. While Bernie’s neighbors asked him to close his windows, so his voice doesn’t activate their Alexas.

Experts say millennials will have to pay an 8% mortgage rate to own a home. Said millennials: “Wait, people actually own their homes?”

The Real Housewives are threatening to go on strike. You know things are bad when people who don’t even work are leaving their jobs.

Jay Leno brought donuts to striking writers on the picket line. Then Ellen drove by and threw some coffee at them.

Hooters is offering free wings for moms on Mother’s Day. When asked if they’ll do that for Father’s Day, waitresses said: “What are fathers?”

A video captured biologists helping a humpback whale that was tangled in a rope and anchor. They kept pulling and pulling and, long story short, we have to bury bin Laden again.

There’s a senior citizen version of “The Bachelor.” When a date goes poorly, someone will leave in a limo. But if it goes really well, they’ll leave in a hearse.

Experts are teaching people in Japan to smile after years of wearing COVID masks. While experts are teaching people in Germany to smile after years of being German.

Vice News is going bankrupt. I haven’t seen a Vice that close to doom since January 6th.

ESPN laid off 7,000 employees. Or as ESPN said, “Congrats - you are all free agents.”

On their new album, The Rolling Stones are joined by Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr. Paul did a wonderful job singing, and Ringo did an amazing job listening.

Aerosmith is coming off the road after Steven Tyler damaged his vocal cords. When asked how long they’ve been damaged, he said, “Since 1975.”

There’s a 10-acre corn maze in New Jersey that has a Barbie theme. And if they want to make popcorn, they’ll change it to an “Oppenheimer” theme.

The man behind the viral blue dress/gold dress internet phenomenon is accused of trying to kill his spouse. He’s being represented by the law firm of Laurel & Yanny.

There’s a new longevity clinic that charges $100,000. To keep you alive just long enough to pay back the longevity clinic.

Happy Birthday to Cyndi Lauper, who turned 70 years old! Which explains her new song: “Girls Just Wanna Watch Wheel of Fortune and Go to Bed.”

Happy Birthday to Kenny G. His party was held in the fanciest elevator in town.

France has banned short airline flights to combat toxic emissions. Then everyone in the country went back to smoking 500 cigarettes a day.

An Arizona woman survived being stung 75 times by bees during a family photo shoot. Even stranger – the photo shoot was at a JC Penney.

George and Kellyanne Conway filed for divorce. I was sorry to hear about them – because I had almost forgotten about them.

Researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu. Not only that – researchers may have discovered the cause of déjà vu.

Today is National Peanut Butter Day! I would celebrate, but I’m allergic to made-up holidays.

Taco Bell is holding a vote on whether to bring back the Beefy Crunch Burrito or the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. Marking one time every American will actually vote.

Scientists have noticed the weather has changed on Uranus. The cause? Eating both a Beefy Crunch Burrito and a Dorito Locos Taco.

Some January Jokes from "Rineman in the Morning"

Congressman George Santos claims he got both knees replaced after being a volleyball star in college. But he says he had to put off the surgery because he was pregnant.

Classified documents were found stuffed away in President Biden’s garage. Said Trump, “He has a toilet in his garage?”

After a grand jury in Georgia finished its election fraud investigation, and President Trump could be indicted. Which makes Trump the first guy to disguise himself by taking OFF a wig.

In California, mudslides forced Prince Harry to evacuate his home. And today, he brought a suitcase to Buckingham Palace and said, “You guys don’t watch ’60 Minutes,’ do you?”

A program can help you lose weight by electrocution. The way it works is, you die.

And after pleading guilty of fraud, “Real Housewives” star Jen Shah has been sentenced to six-and-a-half years of watching “The Real Housewives.”

A new study found that approximately 20 percent of Americans have used their partner’s toothbrush. Or, roughly 4 out of 5 dentists.

20 percent of Americans use their partner’s toothbrush. Even worse: it’s not always to brush their teeth

A lottery ticket worth 1.35 billion dollars was sold in Maine at a gas station. When asked what they plan to buy, the winner said, “Gas.”

A North Carolina man led police on a high-speed chase while driving a tractor. Which got worse when they pulled him over, and he tried to switch seats with his scarecrow.

New Hampshire residents are angry about the possibility of the state no longer having the first Democratic primary. Said one resident, “This will completely ruin the good name of Dixville Notch!”

Happy Birthday to talk show host Maury Povich! Yes, 84 years ago today, Maury looked up at his dad and said, “You ARE the father!”

A vaccine has been approved for honeybees to protect them from a bacterial disease. However, many bees say they’ll just wear a mask.

U2 will release a new album with 40 new recordings of their hit songs. Yes, new recordings of U2 songs – or as that’s also known, a Coldplay album.

Planes in the U.S. were grounded Wednesday morning due to a computer outage. In response, Southwest said, “That’s why we just use a notepad and crayons!”

Vince McMahon is selling the WWE to Saudi Arabia. When asked about doing business with a vicious tyrant known for crimes against humanity, Saudi Arabia said, “Vince isn’t THAT bad!”

January 10 is National Houseplant Appreciation Day! Which was invented by someone who just didn’t feel like throwing out their Christmas tree.

A new report claims that the reboot of “Frasier” will not feature the rest of the original cast. In fact, even the dog is a cat.

Just Some Jokes 6.9.22

Man - when I heard the Celtics were in the Finals, the number one movie was “Top Gun,” and “California Dreamin’” by The Beach Boys was charting, I almost spilled my Diet Tab.

Tonight, the January 6th Committee addressed the nation on its findings, and shared evidence that President Trump “deserved” to be hanged. Pence hasn’t gasped this loud since he heard what “WAP” stood for. “That’s no way to treat a cat, Mother!”

The Committee held their first public hearing tonight. And at the next one, they’ll try to explain how Britney Spears’ ex-husband crashed her wedding.

On her wedding day, Britney Spears’ ex-husband Jason Alexander burst into her home. And what says “2022” like a guy with the same name as George acting like Kramer?

Fortunately for Britney the man didn’t make it very far before he was tackled by the caterer – Kevin Federline.

I read that some airlines are loosening the rules for flight attendents’ appearance. This means flight attendants can wear nose studs, sneakers and – thanks to passengers – boxing gloves.

Flight attendants are also allowed to display tattoos. Though it’s disturbing most are just to keep track of how many knees they’ve rammed with the beverage cart.

Yep, flight attendants can now wear more casual clothes. But Spirit Airlines is going the other way, and asking pilots to start wearing shirts.

 

We’re now dealing with a potential monkeypox epidemic, and doctors are stumped. Doctors said, “Unless the monkeys are jumping on beds, we got nothin’.”

Experts are still trying to figure out who brought monkeypox into the U.S. While one guy said, “Might you have a hat that isn’t quite as big and yellow?” (What? That’s what happens when you and your roommate share an accordion.)

 

Researchers in Georgia were said to be shocked when a gene-editing experiment caused hamsters to be “hyper aggressive bullies.” So now whenever someone says something nasty to me on Twitter, I say, “Probably just a bot or a hamster.”

But I think I’ve got the solution. If gas prices are higher than ever and hamsters are more aggressive than ever, why don’t replace our tires with hamster wheels? “I know I was doing 80 in a 50, officer, but these guys are really angry!”

And lastly, the Golden State Warriors lost to the Celtics last night, and they were upset that the crowd was using foul language. Yep, 18,000 cursing Bostonians – or as that’s also known, “Thanksgiving at the Wahlbergs.”

My Epic Ballgame With Rudy

Thank you the Boston Globe Magazine for letting me tell my story.

LINK HERE!

And here are a few baseball jokes to go along with it…

Baseball almost lost an entire season due to COVID-19. But don’t be too harsh – a pandemic is no time for a game where everyone wears gloves and stands very far apart outdoors.

 

Despite the Yankees being fully vaccinated, several members of the Red Sox and Mets are not. Man – if only there were some way to trick baseball players into injecting themselves…

 

For a while, ESPN aired the Korean Baseball Organization. Which backfired, since the only guys still watching baseball actually fought in Korea.

 

I knew baseball was in trouble when a whisper from my cornfield said, “If you build it, they will just turn it into a Halloween store.”

 

Joe West retired after 43 seasons as an ump. Man, you know you’ve got a short fuse when you eject yourself.

 

Umpire Angel Hernandez was busted for eavesdropping on a phone call between baseball officials and another umpire. Marking the first call Hernandez didn’t miss.

And lastly, the Cleveland Indians changed their name to the Cleveland Guardians. Which came this close to giving the NFL the “Washington Parents or.”

Hello New Friends From "Chronicle"

It was nice to meet you and tell you about EMERSON’S COMEDIC ARTS PROGRAM!

If you want to say hi, I’m right here!

Here are some other things you may find interesting, or at least tolerable!

ANTI-SOCIAL SKILLS!

The game designed by my friends and I during the pandemic that we’d love you to purchase, help us distribute, or develop for the web!

TURNBUCKLES!

The podcast I cohost each week for iHeart & Cloud 10 where myself and another former WWE writer talk wrestling writing stuff. RATE, REVIEW, SUBSCRIBE!

HOW CAN LATE NIGHT REVERSE ITS DECLINE?

An article I just wrote for “The Conversation” about feedback I’ve gotten from students on late night shows.

REDDIT AMA

I did an AMA for Reddit, so maybe you’ll find that interesting!

FALLON JOKES 2017-18

Jokes from my last year at the show.

POINTS IN CASE STUFF

I wrote two lists for Points in Case.

COMEX TONIGHT! 2021

Candace is great and you should hire her and all the other writers. Also, one of the last interviews with Bob Saget.

Thanks for watching, and thanks Channel 5!! Follow Nicole HERE!

TRIVA TIME! WRESTLEMANIA III

It was the third WrestleMania.

 

The event was held in The Pontiac Silverdome. “Pontiac Silverdome” would later serve as Mike Pence’s Secret Service codename.

 

The tagline for the event was “Bigger, Better, Badder!” This is also what Vince McMahon shouts instead of using Viagra.

 

One match featured Hillbilly Jim, King Kong Bundy and four little person wrestlers. Or, I took too much Nyquil before I watched it.

 

Other names considered for Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat: Ricky “The Steamboat” Lizard, Tugboat “The Richard” Airplane, Dog “The Bounty” Hunter.

 

WrestleMania III held the record for largest indoor gathering, until it was surpassed by Pope John Paul’s papal mass in St. Louis (which, ironically, ended with the Pope bodyslamming Andre the Giant).

 

In a rematch, Andre the Giant would defeat Hogan with the aide of Dave Hebner, referee Earl Hebner’s evil twin. Despite the angle’s success, the Hebners would pass on an offer to star in a 1998’s “The Parent Trap.”

 

Hulk Hogan’s hair fell out when he got scared watching “Thriller.”

 

George “The Animal” Steele’s tongue turned green after he kissed Nancy Reagan.

 

WrestleMania III featured a special appearance by Alice Cooper. Upon seeing him, Vince McMahon said, “What the fuck happened to Cher??”

Tune into TURNBUCKLES every Wednesday!!!

Tom Brady Makes Up For His Snubs

Dear Fans of me, the Greatest Quarterback of All-Time, Tom Brady,

It is I! Tom Brady!

 

It’s come to my attention that in my initial retirement announcement, I appeared to “snub” some people and places that were hugely important to my success on and off the field. It was suggested I correct this. So, as people in one region would say, “It’s Time to Make the Donuts!”

 

Honey Dew Donuts, that is. Whether it’s their classic glazed or their s’mores hot chocolate, the Dew came through on Cheat Days. Occasional comfort food is important to one’s wellbeing – especially when you are playing in the backdrop of the Kennedy legacy.

 

For whether it was serving as a VJ on MTV or hosting her own show on Fox Business, Kennedy has always been a dynamic television personality – one I channeled for my own appearances. But if you’re talking about dramatic roles, there were no better mentors then Ben and Matt.

 

When the gang caught Ben Stiller yelling at the chick and duck on that episode of “Friends,” Matthew Perry’s brilliant delivery of the line “Step away from the duck” was one I often channeled under pressure. But to really get myself in the mood, I’d turn to that famous band cofounded by the legendary guitarist, Joe Perry.

 

And let me be the one to tell you, if you haven’t seen the Hollywood Vampires, you are really missing out. Those guys are a trip. But not a literal trip – like visiting the Cape.

 

You know, the one worn by Liberace. It was a true honor to pose for a picture next to it when it was on display. I heard they even made a movie about him starring Michael Douglas and…some other actor. But Liberace was a legend. Just like Big Papi.

 

Sorry, that was a typo. It should have read “Big Poppy.” And it’s time we get serious about America’s opium addiction. It’s a problem we need to address and resolve. The type of issue for which I’d call on someone important to me – the ancient, stoic, all-knowing man in the hood.

 

Yoda. After all, it was he who told me, “Thank the Krafts, you must.” So…I will.

 

I’d like to publicly thank all the Krafts – from Kraft salad dressing to Kraft parmesan to Kraft macaroni and cheese. They were perfect to top off a Honey Dew Cheat Day while I sat back, put up my feet, and watched the greatest sitcom ever about a bar where everyone knows your name.

 

“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” All the characters are great, especially Mac. And I think we can agree he is far and away the most talented Mac and the only one who matters.

 

Love,

Tampa Tommy

 

P.S. Go Bruins!

You make everyone at UCLA proud!

Just Some Jokes 1.10.22

You won’t believe who tested positive for COVID this week…

I spent New Year’s watching the “Twilight Zone” marathon. Gotta say – weird to realize the monster on the wing would actually be the safest passenger on an airplane right now.

 

New York City Mayor Eric Adams said he plans to lead the city’s comeback from COVID with “swagger.” Which got worse when the CDC said, “Worth a try!”

Mayor Adams plans to bring the city back with “swagger.” When asked how he plans to deal with crime, he said, “With charisma.”

 

Lin-Manuel Miranda marked the one-year anniversary of the January 6th Insurrection with a musical performance from the cast of “Hamilton.” After which, Republicans and Democrats voted a unanimous “Why?”

 

New York’s Attorney General subpoened Ivanka Trump and Donald Trump Jr. in a probe of the Trump Organization, setting a legal precedent that no one wants to talk to Eric.

 

Over the weekend, weatherman described conditions in the Hamptons as completely white. And they got some snow!

 

The Pope criticized couples who choose not to have children. It got weirder when he invited friends to gather outside the Vatican and await a plume of blue or pink smoke.

The Pope criticized couples who choose to have pets instead of children. After that, he got back to talking about his childless Savior who was born in a barn.

Yep, Pope Francis said people should have more kids. Then he called Tristan Thompson and said, "You're excused."

 

Tristan Thompson cheated on Khloe Kardashian, and is having a third child with a third woman. Marking the one time an NBA player doesn’t want a “triple-double.”

 

Speaking of Khloe, O.J. Simpson criticized Antoinio Brown’s onfield outburst, and called it “inexcusable” that he threw his uniform into the crowd. Good point – what kind of idiot loses his football jersey?

 

Last night, the Golden Globes took place without any guests, any audience, any TV cameras, and it was just a ploy to try and capture Roman Polanski.

 

Andrew Garfield says he went to "Spider-Man" screenings incognito to witness fan reactions. When asked how he dressed, he said, “As Spider-Man.”

 

And lastly, a jury found Elizabeth Holmes guilty of fraud. But I thought they could’ve found a better way of sharing the verdict than saying, “Yo Holmes, smell ya later.”

Stay positive. ❤️

12 Jokes of Christmas

Well…not a good sign when three ghosts asked if I could switch to Zoom on Christmas Eve. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! But out of an abundance of caution...”

 

Yep - like Lance Armstrong’s testicles, this Christmas will be small and distanced. #Topical

 

Here’s my question: will it just be New York’s current governor giving COVID briefings, or are the Cuomos gonna do their own broadcast like the Manning brothers?

 

But here’s some good news: someone I love finally turned against Fox News. We tearfully embraced, and promised that next year, we're going to burn down their Christmas tree.

The Omicron outbreak caused United to cancel 170 flights. Still…they probably shouldn’t have done it mid-flight. “Grab a chute, Grandma!”

Delta canceled 130 flights and JetBlue canceled 50. While Spirit Airlines went around to their passengers’ lawn chairs and popped the balloons.

 

Once again, NORAD provided satellite updates on Santa’s location. I was like, “Great - ANOTHER rich, old white guy in space.”

 

Elon Musk was named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” Which means now, we have to explain to Time readers who Elon Musk is, and to Musk’s fans what Time Magazine is.

 

After being retired for three years, NBA veteran Joe Johnson signed with the Boston Celtics. You can tell Johnson’s old because when he drives to the hoop, he hits a bunch of parked cars.

 

Tom Brady got so frustrated during a game on Sunday, he smashed a Microsoft Surface tablet. And if you wanna see a replay – just watch the relative on Christmas who thinks they’re getting an iPad.

 

“The Matrix Resurrections” is in theaters. I can’t wait to buy a ticket, try to follow it, then give up and go to see “Sing 2.” (Singin’ animals?? That’s my speed.)

In the new “Matrix,” Neo is again given the option of taking a blue pill or a red pill – but this time, he spends the film consulting about it with Joe Rogan.

 

After years of renovations, LaGuardia won a prestigious architectual award for Best New Airport. Or put another way – until now, LaGuardia technically wasn’t even an airport.

 

And lastly, a new study says male beetles give females oral sex to impress them. When they heard that, people watching “Get Back” said, “So that’s why Yoko sits so close.”

Thank you to Points in Case for running this piece on “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Hee-Haw, and Merry Christmas.

Daily Dozen 12.6.21

SHOW ANNOUNCEMENT!

On New Year’s Eve, it’s Time to Make the JokeNuts in NH!!

So excited to be teaming up with my lifelong pal Mike Oliveira at Comfort Baking Company to do a show (or two?) on December 31, 2021! Donuts AND adult beverages will be available! Get more info HERE. Tickets available at the shop (and perhaps online soon). And in keeping with the theme, here’s a dozen jokes…

One of the top films at the box office this weekend was “Ghostbusters.” While at CNN, the number one story continues to be “Hostbusters.”

 

Chris Cuomo was fired from CNN over sexual assault allegations and the role he played in his brother’s sexual assault case. Cuomo took full responsibility – then dyed his hair blonde and became the new anchor on “Fox & Friends.”

 

Former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley had what she described as a “positive” meeting with former President Trump. She will now self-isolate for ten days.

 

Some more Covid news! A New Harvard study declared a winner between Pfizer and Moderna vaccines. Turns out it’s the one with the richest dad.

 

Kentucky Congressman Thomas Massie is facing criticism after tweeting this photo:

Talk about classless. A social media post instead of mailing out cards??

The tree actually went on Facebook and untagged itself.

Then the Romneys released an even edgier photo where everyone’s holding a caffeinated beverage.

 

Henry Winkler is auctioning off “Happy Days” memorabilia to raise money for charity. He’s selling Fonzie’s leather jacket, his ironic silver motorcycle, and Potsie. 

 

A plumber found hundreds of thousands of dollars hidden behind Joel Osteen's toilet. Or, almost enough to pay a plumber to fix a toilet.

 

An army bomb squad rushed into an English hospital after a man was admitted with a World War II munition shell stuck in his rectum. They were like, “What are you trying to do?? Shart another war??”

Yep, a guy entered the hospital after he “fell” and a World War II munition shell became lodged in his rectum. Even the lady who “walked into” a neck massager said, “Yeah right.”

That’s right, the bomb squad had to rush the hospital because an Englishman had munition shell stuck in his rectum. Said officials, “This time, Mr. Bean has gone too far.”

 

And lastly, I read that couples are putting Christmas trees in their bedrooms to help their love lives. Giving guys two chances to ask, “Is that a real one or a fake one?”

See ya New Year’s!

TRIVIA TIME: "Pet Sounds" (1966)

TRIVIA!

It was by The Beach Boys.

 

Alternate titles for “Pet Sounds” included “Pet Songs,” “Pet’s Songs,” “Pat’s Songs,” “Pat’s Songbook,” “Pat Sajak.”

 

·Brian Wilson is deaf in one ear and holds the phone up to that ear when Mike Love calls.

 

“Sloop John B” tells the story of a young boy and his grandfather embarking on a harrowing trip across the ocean. It is played non-stop on every Carnival Cruise.

 

At one session, Mike Love became frustrated and said, “What the fuck do these words mean?!” It turns out he was eating a bowl of Alpha-Bits.

 

Despite being called The Beach Boys, just two band members surfed. And despite being called The Butthole Surfers, only one of them had a butthole.

 

Mike Love practices Transcendental Meditation and claims to have levitated; he stopped when the band signed him up to intercept Scud missiles.

 

Songs recorded but left off the final album: “Good Vibrations,” “The Little Girl I Once Knew,” “1-877-KARS-4-KIDS.”

 

Despite no formal training, Dennis Wilson taught himself how to shag your mom.

 

All the animals featured on the album cover were eaten by Ted Nugent.

“Aruba,” “Jamaica,” “Bermuda” and “Bahama” are all names Donald Trump has called Melania.

One track on the album is “I’m Waiting for the Day.” That day is Talk Like a Pirate Day.

NOTE: From upcoming pandemic project short stories book. Know a lit agent? Send ‘em over before I self-publish like a weirdo.

Also, go out and buy Brian Wilson’s new album “At My Piano,” AVAILABLE NOW HERE and other music spots.

And check out his new documentary, “Long Promised Road!”

Quite a Big Dilemma!

NOTE: Since the pandemic, I’ve been slowly working on a collection of short stories and was gonna do a “ta-da!” when it was done, maybe in the spring. But appropriately, it’s just a matter of time before someone else drops this one somewhere. So, #JokeSquat. And yes, this is very stupid. But I stand by the ending.

Clifford felt worried.

Everyone else was having a great time! Emily was happy watching the balloons float by! Her father, Mark, was tapping his toe to the marching bands! And her mother, Caroline, snapped pictures while checking her watch – hoping she didn’t overcook the turkey! But food was the last thing on Clifford’s mind that day.

 Because Clifford had to take an enormous shit.

He wasn’t even sure what brought it on. Maybe it was the branch he was gnawing on earlier? Maybe he drank some bad water out of the brook? It could also be that family of deer? Whatever it was, Clifford badly, desperately, and anxiously needed to shit!

But shitting wasn’t an option. For if Clifford were to squat then and there, hundreds – maybe thousands – would die. The military would be summoned – tanks struggling to maneuver through his estranged feces, fighter jets scrambled to combat the flies that would gather. So here was Clifford, in the middle of the Big Apple, burdened with a Very Big Shit.

But Clifford’s family kept having fun!

“I hope the turkey’s not overcooked!” said Caroline.

“Speaking of birds, Woody Woodpecker’s coming up!” said Mark.

“Do you think I could sit on your shoulders, Dad?” asked Emily.

Would anyone notice if I shit in Queens?? thought Clifford. But there was no way he’d make it there in time. We’re not talking about a regular, manageable shit – the type that goes back up into your stomach if you hold it hard enough. This time…the shit was winning.

“Where’s Woody??” asked Emily.

“I’m holding you as high as I can!” said Mark.

“Maybe you should sit on Clifford!” said Caroline.

Maybe you should shut the fuck up, Caroline thought Clifford. It was already bad enough he had one turd crawling around inside him – he didn’t need another one antagonizing it. Then Clifford had his scariest thought yet. What if there’s two of them? Or three? An entire army of craps marching leaning on his Big Red Rectum – ready to strike at the slightest movement.

It was then Mark spoke up. “Are you having fun Clifford?”

“Yeah, you having fun Clifford?” echoed Caroline.

“I’m not sure he is,” said Emily. “He’s not wagging his tail! Clifford, if you’re having fun, wag your tail right now!”

Bitch, you have no idea! This was a full-on Code Brown. If Clifford happened to wag his oversized tail at the point of release, it could trigger a war. Overseas enemies would no doubt be covered in his big, stinky waste – an international incident unlike any before. Do they let you serve time for jail crimes in dog years?? But finally, Clifford caught a break.

“Hey look, it’s Santa!” said Caroline.

“Where??” exclaimed Emily.

“We better move closer to the front!” said Mark.

And as one big, red bastard made his way down the street, another took off. A mix of running and waddling, so as not to provoke, Clifford scurried off without anyone noticing. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he knew soon – soon he would be. Then there was trouble.

It was the cops.

“Slow down boy!” said the first cop. “What’s the matter??”

“I think he’s trying to tell us something,” said the second. “Did you see a burglary??”

No – but my ass is about to have a goddamn jailbreak. Clifford played along just to get rid of them. “Woof, woof!” he faked, nodding his head down an alley.

“Good boy!” said the first cop. “Let’s go!” They ran, and Clifford could continue.

Then, the firetruck stopped right in front of him.

“What’s the matter, boy??” said the first fireman.

“Is there a fire??” said the second fireman.

Yeah – in my Big Awful Anus! And honey – your hoses got NOTHIN’ on it! Again, Clifford played along. “Woof, woof!” he barked, nodding down a side street.

“Good boy!” said the first fireman. “There’s an orphanage down there!”

“Wouldn’t we be better off just letting it happen, then?” asked the second fireman, as the truck sped away. But Clifford didn’t hear him. In fact, he was having trouble hearing anything. For this shit no longer took up residence in his innards, but in each of his senses.

And that’s when he heard her.

“Hi there, big boy…” she cooed.

Clifford looked around but saw nothing. 

“Around the corner…” she beckoned. 

Avoiding any sudden movements, Clifford crept his Big Red Head around the corner. There she was – the Statue of Liberty. She raised her robe over her thigh.

“Like what you see?” she said, gesturing at her green, toned femur. “A nice, big leg – perfect for a good boy like you. It wants you, Clifford. And you know you want it.” Clifford could barely believe what he was experiencing – but before he could do what everyone secretly wants to do to France, he realized he was hallucinating. So, before the Empire State Building transformed into a Snausage, he made a desperate run for the river.

Clifford could feel his stomach turning. He could hear it gurgling. His vision was fading – and at last, the shit was coming. With reckless abandon, Clifford leapt into the Hudson, the water splashing up long enough to partially conceal the single biggest shit Clifford would ever take in his life. A shit so big, Clifford wondered if it would turn him inside out.

“Ugly” was too kind a description for Clifford’s Big Fugly Shit. It looked almost lifelike – as if it, too, needed to relieve itself of waste. In fact, Clifford stood by nervously, wondering if the shit would try to fight him. And if it did – could he defeat it??

“Smelly” was too gentle an adjective for the shit. It was an aroma unlike any Clifford had experienced – foul past the nose and throat and all the way down to his toes. Was its spirit trying to reenter Clifford’s body and haunt him forever? Was this just the beginning of his nightmare??

“Terrible” was too nice a critique for this one-of-a-kind shit. It was truly heinous. It was abhorrent. It was absurd. It was repugnant. It was unforgettable. This shit was here to stay.

And for eight years, Chris Christie would serve as its Governor.

This Got Way Outta Hand...

COME SEE ME AT THE VERY FIRST COMEDY CLUB I EVER WENT TO EXACTLY 2O YEARS AGO! NICK’S COMEDY STOP IN BOSTON!

TICKETS HERE! (Use code “FunnyProf” to get 15% off!)

As you probably saw over the weekend, Big Bird from “Sesame Street” made a pretty big announcement:

And it didn’t go unnoticed, and even got a pretty notable response:

It seemed like things would stop here. But it didn’t take long before other residents of Sesame Street weighed in. First there was Bruno the Garbage Man. He said…

And things only got stranger from there, when Oscar replied…

He may not be the only one seeing things, because Snuffleupagus replied and said…

But then things turned back to the vaccine, when Ernie said…

To which one friend replied…

To which another friend replied…

To which ANOTHER friend replied…

Two which TWO other friends replied…

Anyway, things then turned to Biden’s supply chain crisis - and someone was very upset. He said…

Doesn’t like Tate’s. Then another guy weighed in and said…

Then the conversation turned back to COVID, when another person said…

That makes sense. But I was really surprised by the way things ended, when this guy said…

Well that’s a shame. But, I hope to see you all at Nick’s this FRIDAY & SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12 & 13.

Also, thanks to all who came out to the HAMPTON BEACH CASINO BALLROOM to see me open for David Spade! My home venue. Dream come true.

Stay well,

Jon

Just Some Jokes 9.27.21

Well, for the first time ever, R. Kelly was actually disappointed to hear the words “10 to 15.”

R. Kelly was found guilty on all counts in his sex trafficking trial. He will serve a minimum of 10 years in federal prison, after which he’ll be eligible to perform standup in Austin.

R. Kelly was immediately taken into custody, as prosecutors believe he could fly.

 

President Biden received his COVID booster, meaning he has done three shots. Just like Biden’s Press Secretary every time she has to explain one of his stories. “Okay, so he had a bulldog named Rex. But his milkman was also named Rex. But Rex the Milkman’s nickname was Bulldog. You with me so far?”

Biden said he still plans to take proper COVID precautions, such as wearing a mask and two pairs of aviators.

 

Massachusetts State Troopers are resigning over the state’s vaccination mandate, according to the State Police Association of Massachusetts – or “SPAM.” Also being pressured to resign: the troopers’ Director of Acronyms.

“We’re glad they’re gone!” said People Initiating Mature Pickups, or… 

 

Kyrie Irving has been ruled inactive by the Brooklyn Nets after refusing a COVID-19 vaccination. Marking the first time ever Kyrie passed up a shot.

 

40 years after trying to kill President Reagan, John Hinckley Jr. was granted release from prison. Though the parole board could’ve come up with a better reason than, “What’s he gonna do – try to kill him again??”

 

Today Mayor de Blasio said he planned to visit Rikers Island. Then Mayor Giuliani said, “Hey – me too!”

 

This year’s Tony Awards got the show’s lowest ratings ever. A bunch of Tonys and everyone else just looking the other way – which also describes New Jersey.

 

And lastly, a shipment of DiGiorno pizzas was recalled after it was discovered they contain an unapproved ingredient. Which explains their new slogan: “It’s not delivery – it’s dewormer!”

Come See Me This Friday at The Comedy Studio (8 & 10)

OR…HEADLINING Nick’s Comedy Stop October 22 & 23!

In the meantime, Massachusetts should just hire these guys!

Just Some Jokes 9.22.21

Today is the first day of Fall! It’s that day people stop going to Zoom meetings in t-shirts and gym shorts, and start going in cardigans and gym shorts.

 

I knew this Fall was going to be different when I went for a hayride, and the horse said, “Can you pull? Can’t find my worm meds.”

 

Everyone’s being treated to those wondrous sights: autumn skies, falling leaves, and rotting pumpkins…

They knew it was Trump’s suit when it was too baggy and seemed to be hiding a diaper.

Donald Trump is suing his niece, Mary, and the New York Times over a story about his taxes. Now comes the tough part: finding 12 people who aren’t involved in a lawsuit with Donald Trump. “We got five! They’re his kids, but still!”

 

Bill Gates did an interview where he was asked if he had a close relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and Gates shifted uncomfortably and stumbled over his words. It only got worse when Clippy popped up and said, “I’m the one who murdered him!”

 

The Daily Star did an article on the strange diets of billionaires. Mark Zuckerberg eats cold goat, Jeff Bezos eats roasted iguanas, and Donald Trump isn’t really a billionaire.

 

There’s a debate going on about the media spending more time on missing white women than other women. While I’m still wondering how a woman can FEED HER HUSBAND TO TIGERS, and it’s “Let’s see if she can tango!!”

A journalist found several letters written to him in the 1970s by The Unabomber. The journalist first became suspicious when the name in the return address was T. Unabomber.

The Unabomber was apparently seeking travel advice. The journalist said, “You can’t go wrong visiting South America – or, hear me out, a toiletless shed.”

When asked where he found the letters, the journalist said, “Under my postcards from that lady with the tigers.”

 

In Texas, FedEx will start experimenting with driverless tractor-trailer trucks. And after that, they’ll create studentless school buses that yell “Blow your horn!”

 

And lastly, Croatian officials found a woman on a remote island, with no memory of who she was, surrounded by bears. The woman said she was at a complete loss, save for passing glimpses of days gone by; reckoning with the torturous feeling of existence but absence of identity; desperate for something, anything, that could again make her feel whole. While the bears said, “Can you stop eating our porridge ‘n’ shit?”

Just Some Jokes

The U.N. General Assembly continued today. There were set to be speakers from a number of foreign countries, such as Maldives, Qatar, and Florida.

 

Secretary-General Antonio Guterres spoke of the urgent problems facing the world, and criticized billionaires for spending their money on going to space. Then billionaires said, “That’s not fair – we also dressed like Teletubbies at the Met Gala!” 

 

Filmmaker Ken Burns said we are living through one of the worst times in America, equal to the Civil War, The Great Depression and World War II. When asked if there were any worse times, Burns said “Yes…”

“…my wig-fittings.”

 

Trump Organization prosecutors discovered new evidence hidden in a basement. No, it wasn’t Trump’s tax returns – it was Eric eating Trump’s tax returns. “Dad gave me ketchup!”

 

Chinese President Xi Jinping ordered the government to crack down on “effeminate men.” “And that’s an order!” said the president whose name is pronounced “she.”

 

While broadcasting Monday Night Football, Peyton Manning suggested the Patriots bugged visiting teams’ locker rooms with listening devices. His brother Eli agreed, while a third voice jumped in and said, “No we don’t.”

 

Rob Gronkowski said he never watches film, and just asks Tom Brady everything. Even worse: he was talking about when they go to the movies. “Did Slimer show up yet?” “No.” “You’ll tell me when Slimer shows up, right?” “Just watch!” “I’m scared of the baby Marshmallow Men!”

 

In New Zealand, two men broke COVID protocol by smuggling a large KFC order, including three buckets of chicken, ten cups of coleslaw, french fries and four other bags of food. New Zealand refused to call it acceptable, while America refused to call it “large.”

 

Airlines worldwide are bracing for a shortage of pilots. Which should explain things when the captain hands your kid some toy wings, leaves the cockpit and says, “It’s 2 o’clock somewhere!”

 

And lastly, people celebrated “Earth Wind & Fire Day,” as September 21st is the date in the group’s hit “September.” While Green Day said, “Can you guys keep it down?”

 

Just Some Jokes 9.20.21

Congratulations to all who won Emmys last night. Always cool to go on my phone and see which shows I watch on my computer won for achievement in television.

 

Today, BTS performed “Permission to Dance” at the UN General Assembly. Then Biden said, “The fuck am I gonna sing now?”

BTS performed at the UN General Assembly, setting what is believed to be an unprecedented convergence of things I don’t understand. “Did they do any Gin Blossoms songs? Is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad still a guy?”

 

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio called out the president of Brazil for his anti-vaccination beliefs. But I he could’ve done it more nicely than shouting, “Hey – vaxed THEN waxed!”

In fact, President Jair Bolsonaro was photographed outside on the street eating pizza due to restaurants’ indoor mask mandate.

Screen_Shot_2021-09-20_at_09.05.11_fsx9l9.jpeg

My mistake – that’s actually a group of standups who moved to Austin.

There’s been a lot of confusion lately, so to clear things up: if you currently have COVID, aren’t vaccinated, and haven’t died, it’s just because God doesn’t want to meet you.

The new Pfizer vaccine is apparently safe for children aged 5 to 11. So if you’re keeping score, that’s Pfizer: one; R Kelly: zero.

 

Tim Cook is facing an outpouring of employee unrest at Apple. Cook said he’s absolutely shattered – but he’ll have to wait another 10 months until he’s eligible for an upgrade.

 

A Walmart employee in Louisiana quit over the loudspeaker over low wages and scheduling policies. It also didn’t help that the employee health plan was just “Meth Lab in Aisle 12.”

 

DoorDash announced it will start delivering alcohol. The way it works is, they bring you your wine and your neighbors peak through the curtains and say, “Psh – knew it.”

 

Robert Durst was found guilty of murdering journalist Susan Berman. Before being led away, Durst asked to use the restroom and the judge said, “No you—actually, sure! Let’s see what else you admit to!”

 

In Florida, a nude woman on a golf cart drove through a hostage situation, nearly injuring officers and negotiators. Again, that’s Florida: where crime scenes are interrupted by other, even weirder crime scenes.

 

And lastly, a trailer was released for Tom Hanks’ new film in which he stars with a dog and a robot. So it looks like he did get my treatment for “Terminator and Hooch.”

Just Some Jokes

Last night, California Governor Gavin Newsom survived his recall election. 5,840,283 people voted “NO” on recalling Governor Newsom, while 3,297,145 were running against Governor Newsom.

Newsom got by on his major campaign promises: if a high-speed crash collides with your house, you get to keep the car; everyone over 40 gets to play for the Lakers; and if your dog doesn't poop on James Woods' Walk of Fame star, Newsom will do it himself.

The results meant a defeat for Republican Larry Elder, often called the next Donald Trump. Incidentally, “Larry Elder” is what Trump used to call Larry King. “He’s on the same channel as Wolf Beardman…”

 

Late Night shows from NBC, ABC and CBS will dedicate a night of programming to climate change awareness. While on “Gutfeld,” they’ll fire a can of horse dewormer at the sun.

 

Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un ordered a missile launch that was apparently so powerful, it blew up his office:

Actually, that’s just Kim Jong Un hosting his late night show about climate change.

 

The oldest surviving World War II vet turned 112, and credits his longevity to being kind to others. Then he signed up for Twitter, and services will be held on Friday.

 

The Wrap ran an article on how Hollywood is looking to make more “blue sky” comedies, and is searching for “the next Ted Lasso.” The way it works is, you spend two months developing a concept, three months looking for a production company, and one month prepping your pitch until every executive says, “I dunno – sounds a lot like ‘Ted Lasso.’”

Incidentally, “Ted Lasso” is what Trump called the guy who invented lassos. “We need them to round up the Beardmen!”

 

McDonald’s teamed with Disney to offer toys from their classic films in Happy Meals. The companies say if the promotion goes as planned, they could finally make money.

The deal’s pretty simple; if you ask for something from “Frozen,” you get Anna or Elsa; and if you ask for Chip ‘n’ Dale, you get a McRib. (Ahh! Thought I was gonna make a “Walt Disney/Frozen” joke, but I went for the other crappy joke!)

 

And lastly, a pitcher for the Kansas City Royals threw what some are calling the worst pitch in Major League Baseball history:

 Last time I heard about balls THAT low, Nicki Minaj was tweeting about COVID.

Just Some Jokes 8.29.21

Right now, we’re dealing with hurricane, a COVID spike and a mess in Afghanistan. Things are so bad, if you say “Candyman” four times, he says, “Knock it off! I don’t wanna come out there!!”

 

Republicans ripped Biden’s withdrawal from Afghanistan after it killed Americans. Then they kept screaming in the face of the flight attendant who asked them to wear a mask.

 

98 countries said they trust the Taliban to ensure “safe and orderly” travel out of Afghanistan. Then they said they trust Putin to watch their laptop while they use the bathroom at Starbucks.

 

President Biden was criticized after the withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan led to the Taliban regaining control of Kabul. He only made things worse when he said, “Okay – some malarkey.” 

 

In retaliation for attacks in Kabul, the U.S. conducted a deadly airstrike on an ISIS-K planner. When asked what we dropped on them, Biden said, “Florida.”

On CNN, Mitt Romney blamed both Trump and Biden for the failed withdrawal from Afghanistan. Then George W. Bush hung up a big “Responsibility Avoided” banner.

 

Donald Trump Jr. was critical of Biden pulling out of Afghanistan, saying his dad would’ve done a better job. Proof Trump doesn’t know how to pull out: Donald Trump Jr.

Yep, Don Jr. called Biden’s emotional statement on the withdrawal “what weakness looks like.” Which are big words coming from a Brawny toilet paper guy cosplayer.

CVS has plans to offer in-person therapy sessions at their stores. The way it works is, you try to use a coupon at a self-checkout machine, then they send you to a therapist.

Yep, CVS wants to hire psychologists for its stores. Which sounds good, until they give you a two-foot receipt of all your repressed traumas.

Kanye West just dropped his new album “Donda,” which features Roddy Ricch, The Weeknd, Travis Scott, Young Thug, and Lil Baby – and some people who aren’t running for Governor of California.

 

Rolling Stones drummer, the great Charlie Watts passed away at 80. His shocking last words: “I may have PLAYED the drums – but John Stamos MASTERED them.”

 

The Baltimore Orioles narrowly snapped a 19-game losing streak. Of course their manager still faced a lot of questions, like, “How’d you guys get into the Little League World Series?”

 

Lastly, a photo went viral of Pope Francis playing with a foosball table he got as a gift:

 People are already calling him Joey’s wackiest roommate yet. “Could I BE any holier??” 

Just Some Jokes 8.22.21

People across the Northeast had to shelter in place due to Hurricane Henri. Or as Republicans put it, “Great - now the FRENCH are making us look weak!”

Because of the storm, last night's concert in Central Park to celebrate the end of COVID was stopped midway through. But the remaining acts will perform at a charity concert for everyone who got COVID at last night's concert.

A concert to celebrate the end of COVID - held during a COVID spike - was canceled by an outgoing mayor and resigning Governor due to a hurricane. Then the Cloverfield monster said, “You know, Imma come back another time…you got kind of a lot going on…”

Yep, the concert in Central Park was officially canceled. However, it will stay on as Executive Producer.


Man, what a week for Mike Richards - you go from hosting "Jeopardy" to being a question on "Jeopardy." "Ooooohhh - we were looking for 'What WAS Mike Richards.'"


The Taliban has ordered all women off television in Afghanistan. If the Taliban's not careful, they could be placed in charge of late night TV in America.


There was a scare at Fox News when host Greg Gutfeld was sent a suspicious white substance. But false alarm - turns out it was just some paper with jokes on it.


Fox News was pushing a theory that pet dewormer could protect you from COVID. When asked if he tried that, Brian Kilmeade was drinking out of a toilet after chasing a firetruck.

Despite COVID spiking, Southwest, American and Delta will not require their employees to get vaccinated. While Spirit will send the pilot to your seat to sneeze into your mouth.

The Offspring's drummer was fired because he wouldn't get vaccinated. Why didn't they just tell him he was getting a tattoo now, just getting ink done? Doesn't he know with the unvaccinated, you gotta keep 'em separated? I guess the band said, "Na-na, why don't you get a jab?" 😎😎😎

And there's a new dating app that allows people who aren't vaccinated to sign up. It's kind of like Tinder or Bumble, except it's EXACTLY like Tinder or Bumble.

At a zoo in England, an orangutan kissed a pregnant woman's stomach. The woman thought it was cute, while her husband said, "Something you wanna tell me, Sheryl??"

It was a crazy weekend in wrestling. You had CM Punk debut in AEW, Brock Lesnar return to WWE, and Larry David take on Alan Dershowitz at the grocery store. “Welcome…to WrinkleMania!!!”

Yep, Larry David and Alan Dershowitz got into a shouting match at a grocery store on Martha's Vineyard over Dershowitz defending Trump. Details are sketchy, but I'm pretty sure I know how things went down:

On his way in, Larry collided with someone else’s carriage because he was going the wrong way down a COVID protocol aisle.

The fight started with Dershowitz using his wetted fingers to open produce bags and Larry having 11 items in the 10 item line.

The fight ended with Larry yelling, “And I’ll tell you something else - we all know your little football friend is guilty!” and Dershowitz saying “At least that finale was entertaining!” followed by mutual shoving, broken up by Ted Danson.

Within the hour, someone had coined the term “Dershbag.”

The next day, Larry had a fender bender with...the very same person who was pushing their carriage in the store.

The only rental car left on the island: a white Ford Bronco.

🎵Bum bum bum...🎵

Happy Birthday to the great David Marks!