I know there’s a lot of anxiety right now. So do like me and take some time away from the news and your projects, power up NBA 2K20, and see that you panic-beat the Rockets by 25 on the road at 3 a.m. and completely forgot about it.
Today is Cinco de Mayo. I’m sorry, I wrote that wrong. It should be: TODAY IS CINCO DE MAYO?? (So, can I put away the snow blower, errr…?)
I celebrated the best I could: chugging a jar of mild Ortega sauce and Zooming with a mariachi band.
Of course many will be trying drink recipes found online. But make sure they come from a licensed mixologist and not a sitting U.S. President. “Kool-Aid + Windex + Air Conditioner Drippage = TASTIE TREET! Enjoy!”
There are reports the White House is thinking of winding down its coronavirus task force. Which makes sense, considering the crowd in the background at Trump’s last briefing:
Meanwhile, Mark Cuban was asked about running for president and says he hasn’t “closed the door.” Then he heard about Murder Hornets and said, “CLOSE THE DOOR! CLOSE THE DOOR!”
Chris Christie pushed to reopen the country despite grim COVID-19 projections, saying, “There are going to be deaths no matter what.” Incidentally, that’s also what Christie says on Free Donut Day.
Actually, when I saw Chris Christie trending, I assumed he’d just eaten the rest of Alex Jones’ neighbors.
But a meat shortage has led some fast food chains to reduce the amount of beef on their menus. Which explains that new menu item: The McNapkin.
For some, it’s paying off. For example, here’s Grimace when burgers were on the menu:
And here’s Grimace now…
But Taco Bell is selling a new kit to help people make their food at home. In fact it’s so authentic, the final ingredient is “Roll eyes at self while claiming all those tacos are ‘for my coworkers.’”
The NFL will release its 2020 schedule this week, despite COVID-19. But I felt a little uneasy when I saw the first game features the Las Venus Raiders and the Jupiter Jaguars.
And the New York Jets signed star running back Frank Gore. Fans were excited until they introduced their new quarterback: Al Gore.
The Obamas will host a virtual commencement ceremony for the class of 2020 featuring BTS, Lady Gaga and former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. But only if Gates and Gaga touch base to make sure they don’t wear the same thing.
Yep, BTS, Lady Gaga and Robert Gates. It should be a wonderful ceremony…for the Classes of 2030, 2009 and 1948.
Frontier Airlines has a new promotion guaranteeing an empty seat next to you for . As opposed to the other way to keep the seat next to you empty: take off your shoes.
Today, Elon Musk welcomed a baby boy with his girlfriend, Grimes. The nurses were like, “Push!” while Musk went, “10…9…8…7…6…”
When Musk asked for help changing its diaper, the nurse said, “Jeez, you don’t have to be a…uh, you know, certain kind of person who does science stuff.”
And the baby is apparently named “X Æ A-12.” Incidentally, that’s also what I have to type into this blog to prove I’m not a robot.
There’s a rumor Pope Benedict is trying to sabotage Pope Francis. But before choosing sides, I’ll just wait for Kris Jenner to leak their phone call.
I read an op-ed that says conspiracy theories tend to run rampant when people feel helpless. But isn’t that what Jim Morrison would want us to believe, man??
Police in Utah pulled over a five-year-old boy who stole his parents’ car. Everyone had a good laugh about it until they called his parents and heard a phone ring in the trunk.
Yep, police removed a child who was at the wheel. Then voters said, “How’d you do it?”
And lastly, there’s a viral video that shows a Murder Hornet killing a mouse in less than a minute. And right after, the Hornet got a call saying:
Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon