Some good news here: a new study says an arthritis drug could be used to treat COVID-19. So, say hello to the new Walter White…
#Rinemanberg
Meanwhile, another study says mouthwash and baby shampoo deactivates the virus in seconds. In response, Trump told people to immediately gargle with baby shampoo.
Today, President Trump walked out of an interview with Lesley Stahl from “60 Minutes.” When asked why, he said, “Because I’ve been holding in this burrito for 59 minutes…”
After quitting the interview, Trump tweeted out a video shaming Stahl for going maskless in the White House. Then he signed it, “XOXO, Gossip President.”
Pat Robertson says God told him Trump will win, and trigger beginning of the “End Times.” You know the “End Times” – it’s in the only Book of Revelations written by someone who didn’t work for Trump.
Yep, God told Pat Robertson Trump winning would trigger the “End Times.” When asked if that’s true, “God” said, “Please, call me Sacha.”
Meanwhile, a new poll has 75% of Jewish Americans voting for Joe Biden. Which is why today, Trump invited them to attend Eric’s bris. “Hello, SuperCuts?...”
In the next debate, Biden’s mic will be muted at the end of each answer by the Debate Commission. While Trump’s mic will be muted at the start of each answer by the Trump Campaign.
People continue to speculate about whether Trump will agree to a peaceful transition of power if he loses. If Trump has to be chased out of the White House, it will go down as one of our nation’s darkest days. Unless they play the Benny Hill theme – then it’s fun.
Apple+ has acquired the exclusive rights to all the “Peanuts” holiday specials. But don’t worry – you can still see Charlie Brown for free when he kicks for the Jets.
After the TikTok of a man skateboarding to work while drinking Ocean Spray to “Dreams,” Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours” is back on Billboard’s Top Ten. I guess that’s why Ted Nugent just left the house with moonshine and a pogo stick. “Should I do ‘Cat Scratch Fever,’ or…wait, what else do I sing?”
Scientists just discovered a new organ in the middle of the human head. When asked what it does, they said, “Plays ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame.’”
There was a lot of controversy online when TMZ published an updated mugshot of a disheveled Bill Cosby. But don’t worry – they’ll get him all cleaned up in time for his NBC Town Hall.
And lastly, an aircraft is about to land on an asteroid 200 million miles away. Then the captain will say, “Thank you for flying Southwest – if you’re continuing on to Cleveland…”
Hey, forget ASTEROIDS. The talk these days is ASSkills…or, Anti-Social Skills, a game I created with a couple Emerson pals, co-written by Myq Kaplan, Jenny Zigrino, Abbi Crutchfield, John Roy, Jason Marcus and the man they call Just Some Guy. The first job I ever had in TV was writing promos for WHDH Channel 7 in Boston, so we were thrilled when the game was featured not once, but twice last week!
It’s a lot of fun, it’s playable for free over Zoom, and when you have fun, consider helping our small business by purchasing a physical copy – which will ship just in time for physical interaction.
Keep Yourselves Up, and Go Kill Some Ass,
Jon