In political news…
To quote the First Lady: “Fucking Christmas came early!”
Speaking of the holidays, the White House turkeys are like, “We’re totally getting shot this year, aren’t we?”
But in all seriousness, I’d just like to say: My fellow Americans, our long national…tweetmare is just beginning. (He now has MORE time for that.)
Last night Joe Biden spoke to the nation from his native Delaware. People called it the most exciting thing to happen in Delaware since the night before when Biden said to come back the next night.
Some people said Biden ran a little too fast to the stage, but to me, he seemed fine…
Joe Biden spoke to supporters in red, white and blue Jeeps. His campaign called the Jeeps a symbol of patriotism, while Biden called them “not Matchbox.”
The whole thing is like a Cinderella story – except in this case, it’s the president who turns back into a giant pumpkin.
Pastor Kenneth Copleland wasn’t thrilled with the results. But you could’ve fooled me…
Eh, I did the same thing for two hours when I heard about that Four Seasons fuckup.
By now you know about the Trump campaign booking a landscaping store instead of the hotel when they got their Four Seasons messed up. And it got even worse when Trump arrived and said, “Where’s Frankie Valli??”
It got even worse when someone walked up to Giuliani and said, “How much for the scarecrow?”
They were all there to claim the election was not carried out fairly in Philadelphia. But I’m not surprised Philly voted against Trump. This is the same city that booed Santa – if there’s one thing they hate, it’s fat guys in red hats who only work one night a year.
Apparently, Jared Kushner and Melania Trump are two people who keep telling the president he needs to concede gracefully. Kushner made an impassioned plea – then hustled into the men’s room to change into his Fake Melania costume.
Trump losing means his whole cabinet has to go. When she heard he news, Betsy DeVos sent a text saying, “We’re fyred??”
Trump is apparently worried about going to prison once he’s out of office. So if you think yesterday was weird, wait until we’re all watching the police chase a White Ford golf cart.
But the BIGGEST news is that Kamala Harris will be sworn in as the nation’s FIRST female Vice-President - and my daughter said “Kamala” right on her first try. So if you’re keeping score, that’s three-year-old: 1, one-term president: 0.
After Trump was defeated, Sacha Baron Cohen said Mark Zuckerberg is next. But Zuckerberg will discuss it tomorrow with a brand new PR advisor – and a camera crew that’s following him around for some reason.
And lastly, it’s rumored Donald Trump could run for president again in 2024 as a Republican. Which is interesting, since I just assumed he was running as a ****taken out by dart from time traveler****
Speaking of time…it’s running out for our Anti-Social Skills Kickstarter. The deadline is THIS THURSDAY MORNING AT 9 A.M. We are RIGHT THERE – this is your new thing to keep hitting refresh on. If you’ve already backed us, fantastic – share with a friend. And if not, maaaaaaan, you gotta give it a look. We’ve had so much fun with it, it was a beacon of light during a tough time, and hopefully this will keep the good times going.