Today is the first day of Fall! It’s that day people stop going to Zoom meetings in t-shirts and gym shorts, and start going in cardigans and gym shorts.
I knew this Fall was going to be different when I went for a hayride, and the horse said, “Can you pull? Can’t find my worm meds.”
Everyone’s being treated to those wondrous sights: autumn skies, falling leaves, and rotting pumpkins…
They knew it was Trump’s suit when it was too baggy and seemed to be hiding a diaper.
Donald Trump is suing his niece, Mary, and the New York Times over a story about his taxes. Now comes the tough part: finding 12 people who aren’t involved in a lawsuit with Donald Trump. “We got five! They’re his kids, but still!”
Bill Gates did an interview where he was asked if he had a close relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and Gates shifted uncomfortably and stumbled over his words. It only got worse when Clippy popped up and said, “I’m the one who murdered him!”
The Daily Star did an article on the strange diets of billionaires. Mark Zuckerberg eats cold goat, Jeff Bezos eats roasted iguanas, and Donald Trump isn’t really a billionaire.
There’s a debate going on about the media spending more time on missing white women than other women. While I’m still wondering how a woman can FEED HER HUSBAND TO TIGERS, and it’s “Let’s see if she can tango!!”
A journalist found several letters written to him in the 1970s by The Unabomber. The journalist first became suspicious when the name in the return address was T. Unabomber.
The Unabomber was apparently seeking travel advice. The journalist said, “You can’t go wrong visiting South America – or, hear me out, a toiletless shed.”
When asked where he found the letters, the journalist said, “Under my postcards from that lady with the tigers.”
In Texas, FedEx will start experimenting with driverless tractor-trailer trucks. And after that, they’ll create studentless school buses that yell “Blow your horn!”
And lastly, Croatian officials found a woman on a remote island, with no memory of who she was, surrounded by bears. The woman said she was at a complete loss, save for passing glimpses of days gone by; reckoning with the torturous feeling of existence but absence of identity; desperate for something, anything, that could again make her feel whole. While the bears said, “Can you stop eating our porridge ‘n’ shit?”