Last night was the first night of Hanukkah, and Wednesday is Christmas! Which means it’s that special time of year when people I’ve known over two decades say, “Hey, Happy…Week, Rineman! Hope you and the family light the…decorative symbolic object!” (Just one of many times I relate to Vin Diesel.)
But millennials are very excited. We all can’t wait to get up early, go outside, and put a big, red bow on our UberPool.
Everything’s a little off this year, and it felt like even the classic holiday movies were different. Like that part in “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,” when the Abominable Snowman invites everyone into his cave for a wine tasting with Pete Buttigieg.
Months after the company filed for bankruptcy, 50 Cent gave his son an entire Toys ‘R’ Us for Christmas and said he could pick out anything he wanted. Like this pack of coyotes fighting over a Furby…or that pack of coyotes fighting over a Furby!
Actually, today and tomorrow are the last two days to visit Santa at the mall. Which makes TWO guys with rosy-cheeks, round bellies and red hats we won’t have to see for much longer.
Last week, President Trump sent out his annual holiday card. But I think he was just a little distracted, since it began with the line “Tis the Treason!”
The big story is that Donald Trump became the third U.S. president to be impeached. If Trump is forced to leave office, he’ll be replaced by Mike Pence - marking the first time Disney World tries to make one of the Hall of Presidents robots just a little more robotic.
It was a crazy night. I never thought I’d time travel far enough to see an episode of “Good Times” get interrupted by an impeachment – but there we were! (Who wants to catch KC and the Sunshine Band at the Brat??)
But inside Trump’s holiday card, he gave a six-page, printed letter rebutting his impeachment to every single Democrat in Congress – which works out to 1,662 sheets of paper. That explains the latest guy to demand Trump’s resignation: The Lorax. (He is VERY ashamed of his cousin.)
I saw that the Wikipedia page for “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York” was changed to reflect that Trump is the first cast member to be impeached. I like that it says “first” – like in 20 years, we’ll be like, “You know what? President Buzz just ain’t cutting it.”
After the House impeachment inquiry, Georgia Congressman Barry Loudermilk– who is indeed a person, and not a supplement at GNC – claimed that Jesus had more rights than Trump. Then Bernie Sanders said, “Congressman, I served with Jesus Christ. I knew Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was a friend of mine. Congressman – please remind me what we were talking about.”
Trump is facing lots of criticism for saying the late Democratic congressman John Dingell is now in Hell. It may seem rough for Trump to mock someone who’s only with us in spirit; but to be fair, he does employ at least one ghoul.
The magazine “Christianity Today” published an editorial saying that Trump should be removed from office. When he heard he’d been denounced by “Christianity Today,” Trump said, “Am I still cool with ‘Entertainment Tonight’?”
Yeah, “Christianity Today” wants Trump gone. Marking the first magazine Mike Pence hid under his mattress. “But I was thinking of YOU the whole time, Mother!!”
But even with the impeachment happening, a real estate broker in Florida is hoping Vanilla Ice can convince Trump to build his presidential library on the site of a local trailer park. Trump was like, “Only if Tone Loc can’t close the deal at that paintball park.”
Yeah, he wants Vanilla Ice to get the president to build his library in Florida. Assuming someone else doesn’t step in first and tell Trump “Stop! Collaborate in prison!”
Last week, lawmakers held their annual Secret Santa on Capitol Hill. No word who gave the best“present” – but it’s safe to say Tulsi Gabbard gave the worst.
Democratic candidate Tulsi Gabbard voted “Present” at Trump’s impeachment inquiry. When asked if this could hurt her chances with voters, Gabbard said, “Present.”
The Democrats had another debate on Thursday. Elizabeth Warren went after Pete Buttigieg for holding a fundraiser inside a billionaire’s wine cave. Which got even worse when Buttigieg got kicked out for using a fake ID.
That’s right, Pete Buttigieg held a fundraiser in a billionaire’s cave. Which is why Joe Biden went up to Times Square Batman and yelled, “I thought we had a deal!!”
At the debate, Andrew Yang said, “If you get too many men alone and leave us alone for awhile, we kind of become morons.” Then Bravo’s Andy Cohen came in to give the rebuttal.
And Republican Presidential Candidate Joe Walsh FaceTimed into a town hall from his car. When asked why he didn’t call from his campaign headquarters, he said, “I did.”
Some major science news: a controversial theory suggests that rather than being killed by an asteroid, dinosaurs may have actually been poisoned. In response, the FDA is urging consumers to throw away all romaine lettuce from the Mesozoic Era.
It’s pretty divisive. Some scientists say they were killed by an asteroid; some say they were poisoned; while prison officials in New York continue to insist the dinosaurs hanged themselves.
Footage of Jeffrey Epstein’s “first” suicide attempt was finally located this week. Reporters said, “This footage is incredibly disturbing, and we urge you not to watch it if you’re easily unsettled emotionally” – then when they were done reviewing “Cats,” they said, “Hey, cool! They found the Epstein tape!”
“Cats” was widely panned by critics, with some calling it one of the worst films of the decade. Of course it didn’t help when five minutes in, someone rang a doorbell and the entire cast scattered.
Despite a budget nearing 100 million dollars, “Cats” made just over six million dollars in the U.S. But producers argue that it would’ve done better if cat-lovers had someone to go see it with. “Do I need to buy a second seat for my Michael’s bag?”
Yeah, in the same week, Trump was impeached, “Cats” was panned and people were boycotting the Hallmark Channel. Or as Lindsey Graham calls that, “The Devil’s Triangle.”
“Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” won the weekend box office, but some feel its performance was hurt by “Star Wars fatigue.” Disney denied this, and encouraged people to check out their new show, “Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Yoda.”
United Airlines is now offering non-binary gender options for booking. So instead of “he” or “she,” your lawsuit will say “they were dragged off the plane after being bitten by stray scorpions.”
Burlington, Vermont is facing a major scandal, after it named three new police chiefs in one week. The first had to resign after admitting to heckling an activist online; the second resigned after she admitted to having a secret Twitter account; and it turns out the third was a moose.
🚨(SPORTS JOKE ALERT: THIS IS A SPORTS JOKE)The bat Babe Ruth used to hit his 500thhome run was auctioned off for one million dollars. The bat was signed by Ruth, as well as the pitcher who gave up the home run: Bartolo Colon. (THIS HAS BEEN A SPORTS JOKE; THAT WAS A SPORTS JOKE)🚨
Former NBA star Kevin Garnett is actually getting some Oscar talk for his performance in “Uncut Gems.” Critics say it’s the best acting they’ve seen since…every time LeBron’s been fouled.
And lastly, a guy cursed out Wizards star Isaiah Thomas, after Thomas made a free throw and cost everyone a free Wendy’s frosty. Then security said, “Just don’t let it happen again, Mr. Barkley.”
Heard recently from a gentleman named Tom Kingdon, who is a professor at Emerson and taught…I dunno, some class I was in. It all kinda blends together, Tom. Anyway, since there are just a couple shopping days left, here’s a project we made for his class waaaaaay back in the day starring myself, Sam Liberty and Marc van Bulck, along with Ben Sloane. Shot by Kent Truog, later re-edited by the great Ryan Stevenson. It’s goofy, but we had fun, and hey, Harris Wittels laughed at it. Have a Happy & Merry…and IF YOU’RE LUCKY…bright.
