This Day in History: March 23

On this day in 1806, Lewis and Clark wrapped up their expedition and began their trip back to St. Louis. And about halfway home, they realized they’d left their phone chargers at the hotel.

On this day in 2011, Hollywood icon Elizabeth Taylor died. And even though she was dead, she somehow married five more times.

On this day in 1857, Elisha Otis installed the first commercial elevator in a building in New York City. The day also marks the first time one stranger awkwardly nodded at another and said, “Mondays, am I right?”

On this day in 1909, President Theodore Roosevelt left for his post-presidency safari, where he killed or captured 4,000 birds, 2,000 reptiles and amphibians, 500 fish, and 5,000 mammals. Or as that’s also known, one hot dog.

On this day in 1958, Hugh Grant was born. His first words: “Goo…what is it now, ah yes…goo…if you would just humor me for a moment…ga…and uh, what the devil is it, ah yes, there it is…ga.”

Today in 2010, Obamacare went into effect in the United States. Though to Vice-President Biden’s chagrin, it would not cover Flintstone Vitamins.

On this day in 1839, the initials O.K., short for “oll korrect,” were first published in the Boston Morning Post – making “OK” part of the national vernacular. When they heard this, people said, “Aight.”

On this day in 1775, Patrick Henry declared, delivered his speech: “Give me liberty, or give me death!” Followed by: “Give me one reason to stay here, and I’ll turn right back around.”

On this day in 2021, a container ship ran aground and obstructed the Suez Canal. But the blockage subsided, when they filled the canal with coffee and prunes.

On this day in 1801, Tsar Paul I of Russia was struck with a sword, strangled, then trampled to death inside his bedroom. And the next day, the “safe word” was invented.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 22

On this day in 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt legalized the sale of wine. Which explained that new phrase: Fireside Chat & Chill.

On this day in 1963, The Beatles released their debut album Please Please Me. It featured "I Saw Her Standing There," "Twist and Shout," and of course, "Peanut Butter Jelly Time.”

On this day in 1894, the first Stanley Cup Championship game was played in Canada. The winner: Montreal. The loser: the horse that had to pull the Zamboni.

On this day in 1972, the Supreme Court ruled that unmarried people can possess contraceptives. While married people can possess the best contraceptive: marriage.

On this day in 1931, William Shatner was born. His first words: "Goo. Goo. Ga. Ga."

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 21

On this day in 1963, Alcatraz officially closed. And this is nice – the prisoners helped them hang the “Spirit Halloween” banner.

On this day in 1958, actor Gary Oldman was born. His name at the time: Gary Youngman.

On this day in 1980, Dallas aired its famous “who shot J.R.” cliffhanger. After which, Robert Blake called his agent to make sure he wasn’t on Dallas.

On this day in 1928, Charles Lindbergh was presented with the Medal of Honor for completing the first solo, trans-Atlantic flight. A medal now awarded to Spirit Airlines pilots who complete any flight.

On this day in 1980, the U.S. pulled out of the summer Olympics – and on this day in 2006, Twitter was founded. So, it’s a big day of victories for Russia.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Alway Greener.

This Day in History: March 20

On this day in 1760, the Great Boston Fire destroyed 349 buildings. Even crazier – they were all Dunkins.

On this day in 1916, Albert Einstein submitted his paper The Foundation of the General Theory of Relativity. And for works cited, he just wrote: “Uh, yeah, I’m Einstein.”

On this day in 1985, Libby Riddles became the first woman to win the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race. Or as dogs reported it: “Once again, a human rode along as we won the race.”

On this day in 2010, the Iclandic ice cap Eyjafjallajökull began erupting. But you’d be mad too, if your name looked like a cat walked across the keyboard.

On this day in 1928, Mr. Rogers was born. When the doctor slapped his bottom, the baby said, “We all get frustrated sometimes. Would you like to talk about it?”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 19

On this day in 1957, Elvis Presley made his first payment on Graceland. Or as he called it, “One for the money.”

On this day in 1918, daylight saving time was enacted in the U.S. In a statement, government officials said, “This measure is completely necessary because of the…war? Or…farmers? Or…birds? Wait, why are we doing this?”

On this day in 1953, the first Oscars telecast was held on NBC. The show ran just over 90 minutes – or, one Adrien Brody acceptance speech.

On this day in 1931, Nevada legalized gambling. Said Vegas, “Oh…uh…I guess we’ll start doing that just now…”

On this day in 1995, Michael Jordan came out of retirement to rejoin the Chicago Bulls. Said Jordan, “My heart is in Chicago – until there’s a team in Nevada.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 18

On this day in 1845, Johnny Appleseed died. Of course, he was a man who went from town to town spreading his seed – or as we’d call him now, Nick Cannon.

On this day in 1911, Irving Berlin copyrighted the biggest pop song of the early 20th Century. That’s why he gets paid each time someone played “Cotton-Eyed Joe.”

On this day in 1965, Russian Cosmonaut Alexei Leonov became the first person to walk in space. How brave is that – going for a walk without listening to a podcast?

On this day in 1962, Dirty Jobs host Mike Rowe was born. After which he interviewed the doctor who delivered him.

On this day in 1990, 12 paintings worth a collective $500 million were stolen from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston. Among the paintings stolen were Landscape with Obelisk, Chez Tortoni, and of course, Where’s Waldo at the Beach?

Enjoy the present…and remember: The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 17

On this day in 461, St. Patrick died. Today, millions will honor his life through song and drink – and his death by blacking out.

On this day in 1762, New York City held its first St. Patrick’s Day Parade. It featured drummers, bagpipers, and a guy handing out flyers yelling, “Free comedy show! Comics you’ve seen on Comedy Central!”

On this day in 1962, Chicago started its tradition of dyeing the Chicago River green. While on this night in 1962, residents began their tradition of dyeing it yellow.

On this day in 1959, Boston Celtics great Danny Ainge was born. And by the evening, he’d turned his pacifier into two a rattle, two blankies, and three first-round draft picks.

On this day in 1903, second cousins Franklin D. Roosevelt and Eleanor Roosevelt were married. That story again – people get really drunk on St. Patrick’s Day.

Enjoy the present…and remember: The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 16

On this day in 1850, The Scarlet Letter was published. If you didn’t read it, just catch the TV version: The Maury Povich Show.

On this day in 1926, the first liquid-fueled rocket took flight in Massachusetts. Just a day before the people of Massachusetts become liquid-fueled rockets.

On this day in 1955, the NHL suspended Montreal Canadiens star Maurice Richard for the rest of the season, leading to riots in Canada. Of course, a “Canadian riot” means spilling some poutine and not saying “sorry.”

On this day in 1926, comedian Jerry Lewis was born. The doctor knew it was a boy when he saw its flortsenhagen!

On this day in 2008, Bear Sterns collapsed and was sold to J.P. Morgan Chase. So for once, a Bear was swallowed by someone other than RFK Jr.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 15

On this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar was assassinated. His last words: "Please...name an orange drink and a salad after me."

On this day in 1955, Twisted Sister singer Dee Snider was born. You can buy him a gift, but…he's not gonna take it.

On this day in 1820, Maine was admitted as the 23rd state. Its official state flag: a lobster wearing flannel and drinking a Moxie.

On this day in 1869, the Cincinnati Red Stockings became the first professional baseball team, going on to win a game 103-8. That score again: 103-8. Said the other team, "At this point, maybe we should send in a belly-itcher."

On this day in 1972, The Godfather held its premiere. Humans enjoyed the film, while horses walked out.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 14

On this day in 1950, the FBI debuted its 10 Most Wanted Fugitives List. So, it was a day of mixed emotions for the 11th Most Wanted Fugitive.

On this day in 1903, President Theodore Roosevelt established the first national wildlife refuge. Or as RFK Jr. calls that, “a buffet.”

On this day in 1794, Eli Whitney patented the cotton gin. Then in 1861, he said, “Did I do that???”

On this day in 1988, basketball star Steph Curry was born. He impressed other babies in the nursery by shooting his pacifier into a crib 40 feet away.

On this day in 1879, Albert Einstein was born. It followed an event nine months earlier which his parents called “the Big Bang.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 13

On this day in 1942, the U.S. Army launched its K-9 Corps. Meanwhile, cats continued to provide intelligence to the Germans.

On this day in 2013, Pope Francis was elected. They used white smoke to declare a pope had been chosen, and blue smoke to announce he was a boy.

On this day in 1639, Harvard College was named after clergyman John Harvard. "I hope one day, I'll achieve the same honor," said his friend, Jeff University-of-Phoenix-Online.

On this day in 1930, the discovery of Pluto was announced. Astronomers had many questions about Pluto; namely, why is he owned by Goofy? (And will both be drafted by the Army?)

On this day in 1781, William Herschel discovered Uranus. As everyone knows, the planet was named after the Greek God of your butt.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 12

On this day in 2002, the Department of Homeland Security introduced a color-coded Terror Alert chart. It went: Red, orange, yellow, blue, green. Or as they told President Bush: Elmo, Ernie, Bert, Grover, Oscar.

On this day in 1933, President Roosevelt broadcast his first “fireside chat” of the Great Depression. Proving that even in the 30s, everyone had a podcast.

On this day in 1930, Gandhi began his 241-mile civil disobedience march. While the guy waiting to use Gandhi’s treadmill said, “This is getting ridiculous.”

On this day in 1948, singer James Taylor was born. And when they needed him to nap, they just put on some James Taylor.

On this day in 1989, Tim Berners Lee submitted his proposal for the World Wide Web. The proposal: “Friends from high school got fat + Skateboard fails + porn.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 11

On this day in 1997, Paul McCartney was knighted by Queen Elizabeth. When asked her favorite Beatles song, the Queen said, “I’m more of a Motörhead gal.”

On this day in 2020, COVID-19 was declared a pandemic – narrowly bumping Tiger King to second worst thing of the year.

On this day in 1888, the Northeast was struck by a blizzard nicknamed “The White Hurricane.” Incidentally, that’s also my nickname in water aerobics.

On this day in 1985, Mikhail Gorbachev was elected the final leader of the USSR. For now.

On this day in 1930, President Taft was buried. Also buried that day: the pallbearers who had to carry President Taft.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 10

On this day in 1940, Chuck Norris was born. Marking the first baby to karate chop its own umbilical cord.

On this day in 2006, Cuba played in the World Baseball Classic. Historians called it a landmark event, while the Yankees called it “one stop shopping.”

On this day in 2006, NASA’s Reconnaissance Orbiter entered Mars’ orbit and searched for signs of water. But it left when all they had was Dasani.

On this day in 1876, the first successful phone call is placed by Alexander Graham Bell to his assistant Watson. Though strangely, all he said was, “U up?”

On this day in 1977, astronomers discovered the rings of Uranus. And all they could say was “Ouch!”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 9

On this day in 1796, Napoleon married his first wife. Said the priest: “You may now stand on your tippy toes to kiss the bride.”

On this day in 1961, Russia used Sputnik 9 to launch a dummy into space. When asked what’s next, Russia said, “Getting one elected.”

On this day in 1960, Dr. Belding Hibbard Scribner implanted a shunt into a patient, allowing them to receive hemodialysis. Said Belding Hibbard Scribner, “This almost makes up for having three last names.”

On this day in 1959, Barbie made her debut. When she met Ken, she said, “Is it cold in here, orrr….”

On this day in 1979, women were allowed into the locker room to interview Major League Baseball players. Some men called it a violation of privacy – but not Ken!

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today Day in History: March 8

On this day in 1993, Beavis and Butt-Head premiered on MTV. The show brought fame to Beavis and Butt-Head – and shame to their sister, Ivanka.

On this day in 1950, the VW Bus went into production. Volkswagon called it perfect for families – or stoners solving crimes with their dog.

On this day in 1971, Joe Frazier defeated Muhammed Ali in a bout dubbed “The Fight of the Century.” Not to be confused with the next “Fight of the Century,” which ocurred in the bridal section of TJ Maxx.

On this day in 1959, anchorman Lester Holt was born. Or as he broke the news: “This just out.”

On this day in 1981, there was a massive nuclear leak at a power plant in Japan, spilling 16 tons of waste into Wakasa Bay. To which Godzilla said, “I’m getting too old for this shit…”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 7

On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone. And five minutes later, he got his first spam call.

On this day in 1962, The Beatles made their broadcast debut on BBC Radio. They performed “Dream Baby,” “Please Mr. Postman,” and “1-877-KARS-4-KIDS.”

On this day in 1999, legendary director Stanley Kubrick died. But he had to do 47 takes until he got it right.

On this day in 2010, Kathryn Bigelow defeated her ex-husband, James Cameron, to win Best Director. In her speech, she thanked the other nominees, “even if they have bad breath, ear hair, and snore every night.”

On this day in 2003, Broadway musicians went on strike for four days. While no one was home, the cast of Cats clawed the seats and pooped all over the theater.   

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 6

On this day in 1475, Michelangelo was born. He is remembered to the world as a brilliant artist; he is remembered by Americans as a party dude.

On this day in 1985, Mike Tyson made his professional boxing debut. Fans described the moment as “impressive,” while Tyson described it as “imprethive.”

On this day in 1981, anchorman Walter Cronkite signed off for the final time. Rather than his trademark “And that’s the way it is,” Cronkite chose the more personal, “See ya in Cancun, suckers!”

On this day in 1986, artist Georgia O’Keefe died. In lieu of flowers, her family asked that you look closely at some until you need a cold shower.

On this day in 1972, Shaquille O’Neal was born. Marking the first baby to pick up the doctor and give him a spanking.

Enjoy the present…and don’t forget…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 5

Today in 1960, the iconic photo of Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara was taken. Guevera described it as perfect for the biggest stoner in your dorm to hang on his wall.

Today in 1929, car manufacturer David Buick died. But then someone gave him a jump and he started back up.

Today in 1868, the impeachment trial of Andrew Johnson began. The proceedings were led by Thaddeus Stevens, John Covode, and Bernie Sanders.

Today in 1963, the Hula Hoop was patented. After seeing its massive success, toymakers said, “Wow – kids are dumb!”

Today in 1969, Miami officials charged Jim Morrison with indecent exposure. Or to put it another way, they impeached another Johnson.

Enjoy the present. And don’t forget…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 4

On this day in 1974, the first issue of People magazine came out. And on this day in 1991, your dentist finally removed it from his waiting room.

On this day in 1952, Hemingway finished “The Old Man and the Sea.” Which beats its original title: “Ernest Goes Fishing.”

On this day in 2005, Martha Stewart was released from prison. But thanks to her, dozens of inmates know how to crochet a shiv.

On this day in 1963, The Beach Boys released “Surfin’ USA,” which fantasizes about everyone having an ocean. And thanks to decades of drivers having fun, fun, fun in their 409s…they might.

On this day in 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated. After taking the oath, he turned to his wife Mary and gave her a long, passionate handshake.

Enjoy the present. And don’t forget - The Garden’s Always Greener.