This Day in History: April 19

On this day in 1775, The Revolutionary War began in Massacusetts, which is why we celebrate Patriots Day. “Sooooo, it’s not named after you??” said Bill Belichick’s girlfriend.

On this day in 1897, the first Boston Marathon was held. And I tell ya, if I’d been running that year – I’d be hoping to finish this year.

On this day in 1947, President Truman opened the White House bowling alley. And on this day in 2025, Don Jr. and Eric got their heads stuck in the ball return.

On this day in 1971, Charles Manson was sentenced to death, later commuted to life imprisonment. Because even Satan was like, “I don’t want that dirty hippie in my house!”

On this day in 1956, Grace Kelly abandoned her Hollywood career in order to marry royalty. And somehow resisted the urge to make an insufferable Netflix show about it.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 18

On this day in 1775, Paul Revere set off on his famous midnight ride to warn that the British were coming. Whereas today, he’d tweet, “Brits OTW, #NoCap.”

On this day in 1958, a record 78,682 fans watched the Dodgers play the Giants at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. It was such a big crowd, the wave still hasn’t made its way back around.

On this day in 1955, the first “Walk/Don’t Walk” street lights were installed. Followed by the first a-hole pretending to run through the crosswalk in slow motion against the signal.

On this day in 1521, Martin Luther remained defiant at the Diet of Worms. Incidentally, “Diet of Worms” is what RFK Jr. suggests instead of Ozempic.

On this day in 1975, John Lennon gave his final public performance. He sang “Stand By Me,” “Imagine,” and, of course, “No Scrubs.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 17

On this day in 1790, Benjamin Franklin died, with his last words being: “A dying man can do nothing easy.” Damn – one minute you’re writing the Declaration of Independence; the next, you’re writing fortune cookies.

On this day in 1974, Victoria Beckham was born. Marking the one time Posh Spice was also Baby Spice.

On this day in 1907, Ellis Island had its busiest day ever, processing 11,747 people. Which is why the Statue of Liberty went from saying, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses” to “Give me one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer.”

On this day in 1951, Mickey Mantle had his first at-bat for the New York Yankees. The pitcher: Bartolo Colon.

On this day in 1970, the astronauts of Apollo 13 fell safely to earth after surviving in space for four days. Said Katy Perry, “Four days? Psh – try four minutes!”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 16

On this day in 1947, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was born. But his birth certificate didn’t read “Kareem Abdul-Jabbar”; it read “Roger Murdock, Co-Pilot.”

On this day in 1889, Charlie Chaplin was born. And instead of crying, he held up title cards that said “Waaaaa!”

On this day in 1943, the hallucinogenic effects of LSD were discovered by Swiss chemist Albert Hoffmann. He gave a lengthy speech about the subject to what turned out to be a coatrack.

On this day in 1929, the Cleveland Indians became the first team with numbers on the back of their jerseys. In what I assume was an attempt to distract people from the name on the front of them.

On this day in 1964, The Rolling Stones released their first album. Keith Richards gave a lengthy speech about the album to what turned out to be a coatrack.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 15

On this day in 1865, President Lincoln died. But we honor him with a tunnel nobody likes and a coin nobody uses.

On this day in 1912, the band kept playing as the Titanic sank. And probably could’ve picked a better song than “Splish Splash (I Was Taking a Bath).”

On this day in 1955, Ray Kroc opened his first McDonald’s franchise location in Illinois. And people were able to enjoy it because on this day in 1923, Insulin became available.

On this day in 1959, Castro visited the United States from Cuba. You could tell he was a dignitary because he beached in a hollowed-out limo.

On this day in 1947, Jackie Robinson became the first Black player in Major League Baseball history. While Sammy Sosa remains the only player to…switch hit.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 14

On this day in 1865, John Wilkes Booth shot President Lincoln at the play “My American Cousin.” Even worse, it was before Lincoln could post a photo of the Playbill to Instagram.

On this day in 1912, The Titanic struck an iceberg. And of course, the iceberg had no insurance.

On this day in 1910, Taft was the first president asked to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. He’s also the only president to eat the baseball.

On this day in 1941, Pete Rose was born. Unfortunately, he’d bet five grand he’d be born the next day.

On this day in 1828, Webster’s English Dictionary was printed. Upon holding the great book, Webster said: “This is ridonkulous!”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 13

On this day in 1976, the U.S. introduced the two-dollar bill. In 2025, the bill is very hard to find – just like the rest of your money.

On this day in 1928, three men completed the first nonstop flight from Europe to the North America. Moe flew, Larry navigated, and Curly wound up on the wing somehow.

On this day in 1743, Thomas Jefferson was born. It’s the day people all over the country celebrate the former president – well, today and Father’s Day.

On this day in 1997, 21-year-old Tiger Woods became the youngest person to win The Masters. To put that in perspective, he won before he was able to rent a car. Which he…probably still shouldn’t be able to do.

On this day in 1870, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opened in New York City. And the following day, they installed signs reading “Please Don’t Draw Penises on the Art.”

Enjoy the Present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 12

On this day in 1992, EuroDisney opened in France. French Disney is a little different – for instance, Mr. Toad is on the menu.

On this day in 1934, a wind gust of 231 miles per hour was reported on top of Mt. Washington in New Hampshire – by a guy who eventually landed in Connecticut.

On this day in 1861, the American Civil War began. The first one, I mean.

On this day in 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space. But then tragedy struck, when he had to return to living in Russia.

On this day in 1999, Bill Clinton was found in contempt of court for giving false statements in a sexual harassment lawsuit. Or as he put it, “Am I goin’ to jail?... ‘Cause I brought my own handcuffs…”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 11

On this day in 1814, French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte abdicated the throne, and was exiled to a remote island. When asked if he made friends there, he said, “Oui! Mon ballon de volley Wilson!”

On this day in 1803, France’s foreign minister shocked everyone by offering to sell the Louisiana Territory to the U.S. And even he can’t believe the Mavs traded Luka.

On this day in 1888, Henry Ford got married. Though it was embarrassing on their wedding night when he needed a jump to get started.

On this day in 1921, a Pittsburgh station broadcast the first sports event on the radio – a boxing match between Johnny Ray and Johnny Dundee. Each of whom have signed to fight Jake Paul.

On this day in 1961, Bob Dylan played his first major gig in New York City, opening for John Lee Hooker. Marking the rare occasion you want to be caught with a New York Hooker.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 10

On this day in 1971, the U.S. table tennis team visited China to improve relations between the countries. Whereas now, a 230% tariff would be imposed on paddles.

On this day in 1925, The Great Gatsby was published to disappointing sales. Which explains its temporary name – The Good Gatsby.

On this day in 1849, the safety pin was patented – leading to a drastic rise in people going “Yow!” and licking their thumbs.

On this day in 1865, General Lee addressed his troops for the final time after surrendering. “Sure, we’re losers, racists, rednecks, inbreds, idiots, and morons,” he said, “but…wait, what was my point again?”

On this day in 1912, The Titanic set sail from England. While its bartender said, “You think we packed enough ice?”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 9

On this day in 1865, Robert E. Lee surrendered. But any day now, he’ll probably be pardoned.

On this day in 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was arrested for speeding in his horse buggy. He didn’t help matters when he blamed his horse for being drunk.

On this day in 1926, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner was born. And if you don’t know what Playboy is – it’s because the internet was born.

On this day in 1881, Billy the Kid was convicted of murder. His cruel demeanor earned him a new name: Billy the Tween.

On this day in 1970, Paul McCartney announced The Beatles had broken up. Or as Ringo put it, “Three sublets now available in my yellow submarine…yellow submarine…yellow submarine.”

On this day in 1959, NASA announced the first seven astronauts for the nation’s first manned-flight space program. Those selected were: Scott Carpenter, Gordon Cooper, John Glenn, Gus Grissom, Walter Schirra, Alan Shepard, and Donald Slayton. Not selected: Farty McClaustrophobe.

Enjoy the Present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 8

On this day in 1979, the final episode of All in the Family aired. The show featured a fat, racist bigot going on moronic tirades – or as they’re known today, “press briefings.”

On this day in 1983, David Copperfield performed an elaborate stunt and made the Statue of Liberty disappear. In yet another instance of Copperfield paying a woman to go away.

On this day in 1973, Picasso died. But it was a closed casket, as his nose was where his eye should be, and his eye was where his nose should be, and his mouth was a triangle.

On this day in 2009, Somali pirates hijacked Captain Phillips’ ship, at which point its power was cut so nobody could control it. Or as that’s also known, “Carnival Cruise mode.”

On this day in 1974, Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth’s all time home run record. The record is now held by Barry Bonds, in case you want to needle him about it.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 7

On this day in 1954, Jackie Chan was born. When the doctor slapped his bottom, the baby countered with a vertical punch and roundhouse kick.

On this day in 1943, the National Football League made helmets madatory. Or as they told traditionalists, “Don’t worry, they’re not effective.”

On this day in 1933, prohibition in the U.S. is repealed for most beer. In response, NFL fans made beer helmets mandatory.

On this day in 1976, Parliament’s John Stonehouse resigned after he was arrested for faking his own death. Said Stonehouse, “I knew I shouldn’t have gone to my wake.”

On this day in 1927, the first long distance public television broadcast took place between Washington D.C. and New York, displaying Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover. Said Hoover, “So that’s what that camera was doing in my shower.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 6

On this day in 1930, the first Twinkie was made. And on this day in 1987, it was digested.

On this day in 1924, the first successful around-the-world flight began. It took 175 days – to which Southwest said, “That fast?”

On this day in 1947, the first Tony Awards were held. They weren’t shown on TV, yet still had the same ratings as last year’s Tonys.

On this day in 1973, baseball’s American League began using the designated hitter. And on this day in 1974, ABBA won the Eurovision Song Contest. And not one person who knew one of those things knew the other.

On this day in 1969, actor Paul Rudd was born. Which means today, he turned…35 again?

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 5

On this day in 1614, Pocahontas married English tobacco planter John Rolfe. Or as the tabloids called them, “PocaJohntas.”

On this day in 1792, President Washington exercised his first presidential veto. Can you imagine – our president exercising??

On this day in 1859, Charles Darwin submitted the beginning of his book “On the Origin of Species.” Or as it was originally known, “You and Me Baby Ain’t Nothin’ But Mammals.”

On this day in 1621, the Mayflower set sail back to England from Massachusetts. Which explains why it was littered with Dunkin cups and scratch-off tickets.

On this day in 1984, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar broke Wilt Chamberlain’s record for most points scored. While Tiger Woods would break his other record.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 4

On this day in 1975, Microsoft was founded. Asked what he’d do if the company fails, Bill Gates said, “Unplug it and plug it back in.”

On this day in 1841, Edgar Allen Poe published what’s believed to be the first detective story. Or did he?

On this day in 1974, Hank Aaron tied Babe Ruth’s record for most home runs. Later broken by Barry Bonds – who tied Mr. Met’s record for biggest head.

On this day in 1963, the film Bye Bye Birdie was released. “Guess I need a new name for my restaurant!” said Col. Sanders.

On this day in 1964, The Beatles held the top five spots on the Billboard chart. The songs: “Can’t Buy Me Love” and…Mambos One through Four.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 3

On this day in 1973, a Motorola worker made the first cell phone call. His message: “U up?”

On this day in 1996, The Unabomber was arrested in Montana at his dilapidated shack. Or as it would be called in today’s market: “A two-million-dollar condo.”

On this day in 1860, the first Pony Express mail was sent. Its message: “U up?”

On this day in 2010, the first iPad was released. Also released: babysitters.

On this day in 1934, primatologist Jane Goodall was born. Goodall is famous for communicating with chimpanzees, and discovering that most of the time they’re actually just saying: “U up?”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: April 2

On this day in 1513, Ponce de Leon discovered Florida. And the people he met that day are still living in The Villages.

On this day in 1800, Beethoven led the premiere of his first symphony. And the next day, he apologized to fans who got ripped off by Ticketmaster.

On this day in 1792, Congress authorized a U.S. Mint to produce coins. Strange – I thought those came from behind my ear.

On this day in 1902, the first fulltime movie theater opened in the U.S. And before anyone had even entered, the floor was already sticky.

On this day in 1972, Charlie Chaplin returned to the U.S. for the first time since being blacklisted in the Red Scare. Yes, a comedian unfairly canceled by Washington – can you even imagine??

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 1

On this day in 1985, Nike released the Air Jordan. It sold far better than its competitor – the Bouncepass Stockton.

On this day in 2004, Google launched Gmail. Or as AOL put it: “Good-bye!”

On this day in 1963, ABC debuted General Hospital, while NBC debuted The Doctors. Both of which outperformed CBS’ medical drama: Disgusting Rashes.

On this day in 1970, President Nixon banned cigarette ads on TV and radio. Said Nixon, “Lighters should only be used for candles! And burning incriminating documents.”

On this day in 1976, Apple Computers was founded by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne - the last of whom sold his share just 12 days later. Said Wayne, “At least I still have a recipe for New Coke, plenty of DeLorean stock, and my O.J. Simpson poster.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 31

On this day in 1889, The Eiffel Tower opened. It helped the French engage in their favorite pastime: looking down on people.

On this day in 1943, Christopher Walken was born. His first words: “Goo…GOO……Ga……..GA.”

On this day in 1985, the first WrestleMania was held at Madison Square Garden. Hulk Hogan said, “Let me tell you somethin’, brother!” And Mr. T. said, “You probably shouldn’t be calling people ‘brothers’…”

On this day in 1968, Democrat Lyndon Johnson announced he would not run for reelection, opening the door for a corrupt Republican. Oof – can you imagine?

On this day in 1999, The Matrix premiered in theaters. If you take the red pill, you can learn an unsettling or life-changing truth about human existence; if you take the blue pill, you’ll get a boner.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.