This Day in History: April 12

On this day in 1992, EuroDisney opened in France. French Disney is a little different – for instance, Mr. Toad is on the menu.

On this day in 1934, a wind gust of 231 miles per hour was reported on top of Mt. Washington in New Hampshire – by a guy who eventually landed in Connecticut.

On this day in 1861, the American Civil War began. The first one, I mean.

On this day in 1961, Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became the first man in space. But then tragedy struck, when he had to return to living in Russia.

On this day in 1999, Bill Clinton was found in contempt of court for giving false statements in a sexual harassment lawsuit. Or as he put it, “Am I goin’ to jail?... ‘Cause I brought my own handcuffs…”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 11

On this day in 1814, French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte abdicated the throne, and was exiled to a remote island. When asked if he made friends there, he said, “Oui! Mon ballon de volley Wilson!”

On this day in 1803, France’s foreign minister shocked everyone by offering to sell the Louisiana Territory to the U.S. And even he can’t believe the Mavs traded Luka.

On this day in 1888, Henry Ford got married. Though it was embarrassing on their wedding night when he needed a jump to get started.

On this day in 1921, a Pittsburgh station broadcast the first sports event on the radio – a boxing match between Johnny Ray and Johnny Dundee. Each of whom have signed to fight Jake Paul.

On this day in 1961, Bob Dylan played his first major gig in New York City, opening for John Lee Hooker. Marking the rare occasion you want to be caught with a New York Hooker.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 10

On this day in 1971, the U.S. table tennis team visited China to improve relations between the countries. Whereas now, a 230% tariff would be imposed on paddles.

On this day in 1925, The Great Gatsby was published to disappointing sales. Which explains its temporary name – The Good Gatsby.

On this day in 1849, the safety pin was patented – leading to a drastic rise in people going “Yow!” and licking their thumbs.

On this day in 1865, General Lee addressed his troops for the final time after surrendering. “Sure, we’re losers, racists, rednecks, inbreds, idiots, and morons,” he said, “but…wait, what was my point again?”

On this day in 1912, The Titanic set sail from England. While its bartender said, “You think we packed enough ice?”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 9

On this day in 1865, Robert E. Lee surrendered. But any day now, he’ll probably be pardoned.

On this day in 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was arrested for speeding in his horse buggy. He didn’t help matters when he blamed his horse for being drunk.

On this day in 1926, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner was born. And if you don’t know what Playboy is – it’s because the internet was born.

On this day in 1881, Billy the Kid was convicted of murder. His cruel demeanor earned him a new name: Billy the Tween.

On this day in 1970, Paul McCartney announced The Beatles had broken up. Or as Ringo put it, “Three sublets now available in my yellow submarine…yellow submarine…yellow submarine.”

On this day in 1959, NASA announced the first seven astronauts for the nation’s first manned-flight space program. Those selected were: Scott Carpenter, Gordon Cooper, John Glenn, Gus Grissom, Walter Schirra, Alan Shepard, and Donald Slayton. Not selected: Farty McClaustrophobe.

Enjoy the Present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 8

On this day in 1979, the final episode of All in the Family aired. The show featured a fat, racist bigot going on moronic tirades – or as they’re known today, “press briefings.”

On this day in 1983, David Copperfield performed an elaborate stunt and made the Statue of Liberty disappear. In yet another instance of Copperfield paying a woman to go away.

On this day in 1973, Picasso died. But it was a closed casket, as his nose was where his eye should be, and his eye was where his nose should be, and his mouth was a triangle.

On this day in 2009, Somali pirates hijacked Captain Phillips’ ship, at which point its power was cut so nobody could control it. Or as that’s also known, “Carnival Cruise mode.”

On this day in 1974, Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth’s all time home run record. The record is now held by Barry Bonds, in case you want to needle him about it.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 7

On this day in 1954, Jackie Chan was born. When the doctor slapped his bottom, the baby countered with a vertical punch and roundhouse kick.

On this day in 1943, the National Football League made helmets madatory. Or as they told traditionalists, “Don’t worry, they’re not effective.”

On this day in 1933, prohibition in the U.S. is repealed for most beer. In response, NFL fans made beer helmets mandatory.

On this day in 1976, Parliament’s John Stonehouse resigned after he was arrested for faking his own death. Said Stonehouse, “I knew I shouldn’t have gone to my wake.”

On this day in 1927, the first long distance public television broadcast took place between Washington D.C. and New York, displaying Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover. Said Hoover, “So that’s what that camera was doing in my shower.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 6

On this day in 1930, the first Twinkie was made. And on this day in 1987, it was digested.

On this day in 1924, the first successful around-the-world flight began. It took 175 days – to which Southwest said, “That fast?”

On this day in 1947, the first Tony Awards were held. They weren’t shown on TV, yet still had the same ratings as last year’s Tonys.

On this day in 1973, baseball’s American League began using the designated hitter. And on this day in 1974, ABBA won the Eurovision Song Contest. And not one person who knew one of those things knew the other.

On this day in 1969, actor Paul Rudd was born. Which means today, he turned…35 again?

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 5

On this day in 1614, Pocahontas married English tobacco planter John Rolfe. Or as the tabloids called them, “PocaJohntas.”

On this day in 1792, President Washington exercised his first presidential veto. Can you imagine – our president exercising??

On this day in 1859, Charles Darwin submitted the beginning of his book “On the Origin of Species.” Or as it was originally known, “You and Me Baby Ain’t Nothin’ But Mammals.”

On this day in 1621, the Mayflower set sail back to England from Massachusetts. Which explains why it was littered with Dunkin cups and scratch-off tickets.

On this day in 1984, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar broke Wilt Chamberlain’s record for most points scored. While Tiger Woods would break his other record.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 4

On this day in 1975, Microsoft was founded. Asked what he’d do if the company fails, Bill Gates said, “Unplug it and plug it back in.”

On this day in 1841, Edgar Allen Poe published what’s believed to be the first detective story. Or did he?

On this day in 1974, Hank Aaron tied Babe Ruth’s record for most home runs. Later broken by Barry Bonds – who tied Mr. Met’s record for biggest head.

On this day in 1963, the film Bye Bye Birdie was released. “Guess I need a new name for my restaurant!” said Col. Sanders.

On this day in 1964, The Beatles held the top five spots on the Billboard chart. The songs: “Can’t Buy Me Love” and…Mambos One through Four.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 3

On this day in 1973, a Motorola worker made the first cell phone call. His message: “U up?”

On this day in 1996, The Unabomber was arrested in Montana at his dilapidated shack. Or as it would be called in today’s market: “A two-million-dollar condo.”

On this day in 1860, the first Pony Express mail was sent. Its message: “U up?”

On this day in 2010, the first iPad was released. Also released: babysitters.

On this day in 1934, primatologist Jane Goodall was born. Goodall is famous for communicating with chimpanzees, and discovering that most of the time they’re actually just saying: “U up?”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: April 2

On this day in 1513, Ponce de Leon discovered Florida. And the people he met that day are still living in The Villages.

On this day in 1800, Beethoven led the premiere of his first symphony. And the next day, he apologized to fans who got ripped off by Ticketmaster.

On this day in 1792, Congress authorized a U.S. Mint to produce coins. Strange – I thought those came from behind my ear.

On this day in 1902, the first fulltime movie theater opened in the U.S. And before anyone had even entered, the floor was already sticky.

On this day in 1972, Charlie Chaplin returned to the U.S. for the first time since being blacklisted in the Red Scare. Yes, a comedian unfairly canceled by Washington – can you even imagine??

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: April 1

On this day in 1985, Nike released the Air Jordan. It sold far better than its competitor – the Bouncepass Stockton.

On this day in 2004, Google launched Gmail. Or as AOL put it: “Good-bye!”

On this day in 1963, ABC debuted General Hospital, while NBC debuted The Doctors. Both of which outperformed CBS’ medical drama: Disgusting Rashes.

On this day in 1970, President Nixon banned cigarette ads on TV and radio. Said Nixon, “Lighters should only be used for candles! And burning incriminating documents.”

On this day in 1976, Apple Computers was founded by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne - the last of whom sold his share just 12 days later. Said Wayne, “At least I still have a recipe for New Coke, plenty of DeLorean stock, and my O.J. Simpson poster.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 31

On this day in 1889, The Eiffel Tower opened. It helped the French engage in their favorite pastime: looking down on people.

On this day in 1943, Christopher Walken was born. His first words: “Goo…GOO……Ga……..GA.”

On this day in 1985, the first WrestleMania was held at Madison Square Garden. Hulk Hogan said, “Let me tell you somethin’, brother!” And Mr. T. said, “You probably shouldn’t be calling people ‘brothers’…”

On this day in 1968, Democrat Lyndon Johnson announced he would not run for reelection, opening the door for a corrupt Republican. Oof – can you imagine?

On this day in 1999, The Matrix premiered in theaters. If you take the red pill, you can learn an unsettling or life-changing truth about human existence; if you take the blue pill, you’ll get a boner.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 30

On this day in 1939, Batman made his comic book debut. You could tell he was just starting out, because the “Batmobile” was him going “Vroom, vroom!” while Alfred gave him a piggyback.

On this day in 2003, smoking was banned in all establishments in New York City. If you’re going inside, you must put your cigarette out – or give it to Times Square Elmo.

On this day in 1971, Starbucks opened its first store in Seattle. And the scones baked that day are still for sale in that Starbucks in Seattle.

On this day in 1867, the U.S. purchased Alaska from Russia. (For an election-to-be-named-later.)

On this day in 1950, former Red Sox manager Grady Little was born. Then he told the doctor, “I’d have left me in for just one more inning.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 29

On this day in 1871, Endland’s Royal Albert Hall held its grand opening, featuring a choir conducted by William Carter. With an encore featuring Keith Richards.

On this day in 1867, legendary pitcher Cy Young was born. But how good was he really if he didn’t even win any Cy Youngs?

On this day in 1961, the Twenty-third Amendment to the Constitution was ratified, allowing residents of Washington, D.C. to vote in presidential elections. Which means up until 1961, the president could totally suck, then say “Don’t blame me – I didn’t vote for him!”

On this day in in 1792, Sweden’s King Gustav III died after being shot in the back; and on this day in 1809, King Gustav IV abdicated the throne after a coup d’etat. To which King Gustav V said, “Yeahhhhh…remind me to take a vacation day on March 29th.”

On this day in 1927, a car called Sunbeam 1000hp broke the land speed record. No one will ever forget its driver’s immortal words: “I really had to pee.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 28

On this day in 1979, Three Mile Island suffered its nuclear disaster. After touring the site, the inspector gave it three thumbs down.

On this day in 1930, Constantinople changed its name to Istanbul. Said historians, “This might be giant.”

On this day in 1814, a funeral was held for Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotin, the inventor of the guillotine. When the priest told people to bow their heads, they screamed and ran away.

On this day in 1984, the Baltimore Colts moved to Indianapolis in the middle of the night. “This definitely remains the shadiest, middle-of-the-night, Baltimore-related football story!” said Ray Lewis.

On this day in 1986, Lady Gaga was born. Her first words: “Googoo…well…me.”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

Today in History: March 27

On this day in 1865, Lincoln, Sherman, and Grant planned the final stages of the Civil War. Said Lincoln, “Should we keep the plans secret, or telegraph them to a reporter at The Atlantic?”

On this day in 1929, Herbert Hoover had a telephone installed in the Oval Office. Which means that up until 1929, presidents were like, “I’m going to tell Germany this is their final warning!...Anyone got a quarter??”

On this day in 1625, Charles I was named King of England, Scotland, and Ireland, and claimed the title King of France. Oof – that guy must’ve been a nightmare on LinkedIn.

On this day in 1935, the University of Oregon defeated The Ohio State University to win the first men’s March Madness. You could tell it was the 30s, because instead of “That’s awesome, baby!” Dick Vitale said, “That’s the bee’s knees, baby!”

On this day in 1998, the FDA approved Viagra. Its original name: Dick Vitale.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 26

On this day in 1948, singer Steven Tyler was born. In the nursery, his crib was the one with 20 scarves tied to it.

On this day in 1934, the United Kingdom driving test was introduced. Some driving test – they still use the wrong side of the road.

On this day in 1920, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s first novel was published. Its title: “Are You There, God? It’s Me, F. Scott.”

On this day in 1953, Dr. Jonas Salk announced the polio vaccine. And on this day in 2025, a guy who drives around with dead bears in his car is debating if we need a polio vaccine.

On this day in 1804, Thomas Jefferson joined the Senate to consume an enormous loaf of bread dubbed “the mammoth loaf,” along with 1,200-pound block of cheese. And you thought it was tough getting stuff passed through Congress before.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 25

On this day in 1947, Elton John was born. Months later, he released his first song: “I’m Still Crawling.”

On this day in 1957, U.S. Customs seized copies of Allen Ginsberg’s poem “Howl” on grounds of obscenity. But he was found innocent, thanks to the legal precedent set in U.S. v. Man from Nantucket.

On this day in 2001, Bjork wore her famous swan dress. But the next day, she left it in the dryer too long and it became a dove dress.

On this day in 1995, the world’s first wiki is published – WikiWikiWeb. WikiWikiWeb was a site that could be edited by users – and not a lyric to a Barenaked Ladies song.

On this day in 1959, Chain Island was sold by the state of California to a businessman named Russell Gallaway III. Said Gallaway, “I plan to use it as a retreat for hunting and fishing and oh crap I’m gonna meet King Kong aren’t I?”

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.

This Day in History: March 24

On this day in 1900, the New York City began building its subway system. Or as rats called it, “urban renewal.”

On this day in 1976, football legend Peyton Manning was born. The doctor was like, “Here comes his head, and…more of his head and…still more head and…okay finally, the eyes…”

On this day in 1765, Great Britain passed the quartering act, requiring colonists to house British soldiers. While colonists demanded at least four stars on TripAdvisor.

On this day in 1874, Harry Houdini was born. And he came all the way out despite wearing handcuffs, chains, and a straight jacket.

On this day in 1989, the Exxon Valdez crashed and spilled 11 million gallons of oil. Or, almost as much as they found at Diddy’s.

Enjoy the present. And remember…The Garden’s Always Greener.