The Alien Dozen 5.17.21

Well I can’t believe I’m saying this, but – thank God for the Space Force.

On “60 Minutes,” Navy pilots acknowledged the presence of UFOs. Then the Murder Hornets said, “Seriously?? Fine – NEXT summer! We’ll see you all NEXT summer!”

When they saw it, Americans demanded more information on extraterrestrials – then kept not learning the name of their next door neighbor.

It’s going to be a little weird when an alien arrives in the U.S. and says, “Take me to your…uh, vice-leader.”

Actually, President Biden didn’t waste any time after hearing the report, and began laying a trail of Reese’s Pieces to Guantanamo Bay. “If this doesn’t work, I’ll have LeBron beat ‘em at basketball!”

Florida Senator Marco Rubio was interviewed and said he was concerned about UFOs. While the aliens said they’re concerned about accidentally landing in Florida.

Marco Rubio said he is determined to get to the truth. Then Ted Cruz yelled, “The jig is up!!” and ran into a cornfield.

The Navy pilots were very candid with their stories during the interview – which explains why today, they opened their door to a bunch of guys dressed like this:

Pilots described a wingless cylinder flying erratically into the Northeast Atlantic Ocean. Which means it was a craft from space or a Spirit Airlines flight from Austin to Dallas.

Next month, national security officials will deliver UFO reports to Congress. But if you can’t wait, just look beneath Rudy Giuliani’s seat on the subway. “I have the alien documents here!...Oh crap, this is Sudoku.”

In case there are aliens, it’s important to differentiate. For starters, you’ve got the Grays…

Then there are the Reptilians…

And finally, the Giants:

As this aired on “60 Minutes,” the ending felt like it was missing someone. But I bet somewhere, he was like,

“Why do they call it a space-SHIP when it’s up in the sky??”

“Why do they say take me to your leader? I know if I just traveled a billion lightyears, I’d have the LEADER brought to ME!”

“Why’s everyone mad about anal probes? At least Xarblots didn’t charge a co-pay!”

“Why do they land in our cornfields? If they want feral birds and scarecrows working security, they should just land at LaGuardia.”

Love ya,

Jon

ComEx Tonight!

This year, I had the pleasure of returning to Emerson College and advising/producing its annual festival show “ComEx Tonight!” We did the whole thing on Zoom - but that allowed us to get some really cool guests in Leslie Jones, Reggie Watts and Bob Saget - each of whom were interviewed brilliantly by Candace Rosado while I had my camera muted until Bob said, “Jon, your name is on your mute screen.” There are also sketches, a call to action feature and a monologue written by Candace and an excellent team of writers. Thank you to Martie Cook for inviting me back. Until next time…

The Demo Dozen 3.21.21

There was a lot to talk about this weekend. You had the extended Snyder Cut of  “Justice League” and the extended Florida cut of the pandemic:

(It was her day to wear the state’s mask.)

When asked how to stop a spike, Dr. Fauci said, “Fill Splash Mountain with the vaccine?”

Mobs of spring breakers forced Miami to declare a State of Emergency. Which is confusing, as that’s also Florida’s official nickname.

At one point, a shirtless man painted like The Joker jumped on top of a car, declared COVID over, and made it rain with dollar bills. People said, “I hope the governor’s happy” – then officials said, “That was the governor.”

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced the first case of a so-called Brazilian variant of the disease – marking Cuomo’s least offensive use of the term “Brazilian.”

Chuck Todd angered many by referring to Joe Biden as “Mr. Biden” rather than “President Biden.” Whereas the name “Chuck Todd” describes what you’d like to do to Chuck Todd. 

Biden’s been criticized for banning staffers from smoking weed. People called it completely unacceptable – then got back to complaining that the largest vaccine rollout ever was taking too long. “Speed things up! But also, keep smoking weed!”

By now you’ve seen Biden impersonating all of us after getting the second shot and tripping up the steps on the runway. Man, Trump’s gonna laugh so hard at that once he makes it to the bottom of that ramp.

It got even worse when Biden reached the top and it was a Southwest flight to Cleveland.

Cuomo was like, “Hey, stepping up, stepping down – we all fail at one or the other.”

Andrew Cuomo still hasn’t resigned as governor, despite some calling his political career dead. Of course since Cuomo is governor, the death was never reported.

Restaurants in New York were using wax figures from Madame Tussauds to fill empty booths for social distancing. It gets awkward when the wax figure looks 20 years older than it did in its Tinder profile.

And it was announced baseball stadiums in New York can be filled to 20 percent capacity. The Yankees say it’s tough turning fans away, while the Mets asked to borrow wax figures from Madame Tussauds.

Chris Christie just joined the Mets’ board of directors – meaning the players now work for the former Governor. Wow – the last time Christie ordered a Grand Slam, it was at Denny’s.

Christie’s first order of business was closing off a section of the ballpark – then allowing his friends and family to spend the day there.

When asked if the Mets will contend, Christie said, “Nah – it’s more of a bridge year.”

 Congrats baseball fans! You just witnessed a Chris Christie TRIPLE PLAY! ⚾

There was a scary moment when LeBron James injured his leg, then knocked a chair over in frustration. LeBron avoided serious injury, while the chair was called for two fouls and ejected for life.

Pope Francis warned Catholics against organized crime cashing in on the pandemic. Then he said, “And give what you can during the second collection to…help people during the pandemic…”

And lastly: it was announced that Donald Trump will be launching his own social networking site in three to six months. The way it works is you upload a photo of yourself, the FBI matches it with the on of you at the Capitol, and you serve three to six years.

Hey! Stop looking on the “Podcasts” page – why would it be there? HERE IS THE LINK to the podcast I do each week with Ben Zieper, “Here’s What People Are Talking About,” where we’ve covered everything from Fallon to strokes to standup. Listen, rate, review, subscribe. (Also available on Spotify and other podcast depositories.)

But much more importantly, check out this WONDERFUL PARENTING BLOG from my own sister, Stephanie Rineman-Lin. Truly now more than ever, it’s something from which many could learn.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 12.31.20

Well, an early Gotta Be Happier New Year to ya!

Either way, I’m just happy to see a ball dropped by someone who isn’t on the Patriots.

Since there aren’t any crowds, we won’t get to hear people count down, “Three, two, one…” However, we may get to hear Hilaria Baldwin say, “Trees?...Dice?...Ono??...”

Kind of scary, isn’t it? A story that involves Alec Baldwin, Latinos and a woman named Hillary and Trump is muy tranquilo. 😔

It’s a big week for New York City, as they just unveiled a brand new hall at Penn Station:

And what better way to say, “New York City is BACK!” than unveiling a way to leave New York City?

But the new Penn Station is so advanced, there are actually two phone chargers.

The new hall also features art installations by Kehinde Wiley, Stan Douglas, Elmgreen & Dragset, and a drunk guy who decided Kelly Clarkson needed a mustache.

On January 1st, officials will cut a ribbon for the grand opening – then Dr. Fauci will show up and tie the ribbon back together.

On Christmas Eve, I watched “It’s a Wonderful Life.” As always, it was great seeing George Bailey rediscover his passion for life – but I wasn’t surprised by one guy’s reaction:

Then after that, we turned our attention to the man with a big beard and a finger to his nose, hanging with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen. But as of now, James Harden still hasn’t been traded.

There’s a debate about whether Boston should trade for James Harden, mainly because of his attitude. The guy who drinks, yells at coworkers, and throws things at strangers? He’d be Mayor of Boston.

Meanwhile, a video went viral of someone on Christmas Day in South Boston who decided the holiday had gone on long enough….

Everyone in Southie was like, “The tree knows what it did…”

Relax – the tree will show up out of nowhere and get revenge at the end of the movie.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle have started a new podcast. Man, what a change; one minute you’re sixth in line for the crown, now you’re doing reads for MeUndies.

And a number of British celebrities have volunteered to get the COVID vaccine on live TV. While Keith Richards will get his once the vaccine gets the Keith Richards vaccine.

Actually, Keith Richards just turned 77 years old. Instead of singing, “How old are you now??” his friends stop at “How??”

And lastly, there’s a new documentary about D.B. Cooper, who skyjacked a plane in 1971, then parachuted into the woods of Washington State with 200,000 dollars. I guess that explains the title: “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper.”

But it is New Year’s Eve! And what better way celebrate than by playing a 2020 version of Anti-Social Skills?? Play with friends you miss on Zoom, Google Meet or FaceTime and say goodbye to one ASS of a year by playing the #2020 Edition for free! That’s right – a whole bunch of 2020 Sitches (and some Responses, too) that let you laugh at the lighter side of the apocalypse. Get a free month of the online game with code FREE_MONTH at signup!

As a lifelong (and I mean lifelong) WBZ listener, it was an absolute honor to appear on this week’s edition of “On Mic with Jordan Rich.” We talk about my WBZ fandom, “The Tonight Show,” and of course, creating Anti-Social Skills. You read right – I made Jordan Rich say ASSkills. DOWNLOAD HERE!!!

And also a big thanks to fellow Winnacunnet (and Coach McKenna alum) Ryan Dunn for having me on this week’s Destination Different. We talked about ASSkills, the difference between teaching writing in college and in “the pros,” and the time I accidentally barreled over Lorne Michaels. LINK HERE!!!

That’s it, that’s all – and I hope you follow the same plan as my daughter and I: Peppa Pig, Three Stooges, and asleep before 11. 2020’s a game you leave early (unlike ASSkills).

Happy New Year,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 12.16.20

Next week is Christmas! My new favorite song: “Baby It’s The Same as it Was During Easter Inside.”

I love the story of Christmas – when Mary was turned away by the inn and had to give birth at Three Wise Men Total Landscaping.

You get one of the Trump Advent Calendars? Each day, he loses a different state again.

The Associated Press had to correct a story where they referred to Joe Biden as Jose Biden. Yep, they said, “The President-Elect’s name is not Jose Biden” – then Biden said, “On my anniversary it is!”

Ted Cruz is leading a group of lawmakers who want to put a Space Command center in Texas. That’s 2020 for you – Ted Cruz is worried about space while Tom Cruise is trying to stop COVID.

Mike Pence will receive his COVID shot on live TV. Provided they agree to pixelate his bare arm. “Close your eyes just in case, Mother!”

Scientists say that cats recover remarkably fast from COVID. Or more accurately, as soon as you leave them alone, cats stop pretending to have COVID.

During lockdown, robots are making food deliveries in West Hollywood. Or as they put it, “I’m just doing this until ‘Transformers’ can resume production.”

Governor Phil Murphy said the next few weeks are going to be hell in New Jersey. Then he said, “And the COVID’s gonna be bad, too.”

A new survey found that half of remote workers admit to drinking during weekdays. I was shocked – I said, “People can still tell when it’s a weekday??”

Giannis Antetokounmpo just signed the biggest deal in NBA history to stay with the Bucks. Then the guy who stitches names onto Miami Heat jerseys said, “Oh, thank God.”

Giannis Antetokounmpo will make 228 million dollars. In fact he’s so rich, he can buy enough vowels to spell Giannis Antetokounmpo.

This day in 1773 was the Boston Tea Party. It’s the day a bunch of guys filled the harbor with the beverage Boston’s famous for loving: tea.

Hey, speaking of adult content out of Boston…

Us lads over at ASSkills just launched a REVAMPED SITE with something cool coming soon. And we need testers! So, if you’d like a free pass, send me an e-mail and I’ll send you a link for the BEST kind of ASS: some *free* ASS.

Also, thanks to the folks at Vanyaland for this wonderful article about the project!

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 11.26.20

Today is Thanksgiving, and because of COVID-19, health experts said visiting your relatives could kill them. Which backfired when people said, “You promise?”

This year, my family got together over Zoom. But I thought it was a little mean they made me put my laptop at the kids’ table.

Today was the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. No thanks – if I wanted to see some cartoons filled with hot air, I’d hire Trump’s legal team.

After the parade was the National Dog Show. It featured a bunch of new breeds – including the Barbet, the Dogo Argentino, and my favorite – the Late-80’s Lucy: 

Even Giuliani was like, “What the hell’d he do to his hair??”

That’s the actual dog in the upcoming “Clifford” movie. I guess the newest innovation in CGI is “toss a puppy into the dryer with a Santa suit.”

I just feel bad for the mailman who always has to explain why he has lipstick on his leg.

President-Elect Biden has begun naming members of his cabinet. And after he rattled off “Snap, Crackle and Pop” Kamala said, “Know what? You’re busy, I’ll handle this…”

Biden’s dealing with a conspiracy theory called “The Great Reset,” which states COVID-19 was a setup to enslave humanity and end capitalism. Biden denied this, saying the only time he resets is when he loses at NBA Jam. “Boom-shacka-MALARKEY!!”

Former “Jeopardy” contestant Ken Jennings will handle hosting duties after the passing of Alex Trebek. It’s touching to think of a former contestant taking over for a game show host – until you wind up at “President Meat Loaf.”

Tomorrow is Black Friday, and many stores are offering curbside pickup. Because when I think of violence that normally ensues on Black Friday, I say, “Let’s add vehicles to this!”

Never mind Black Friday - what about Small Business Saturday? That’s what we are at Anti-Social Skills, so check out our new store! (Another very exciting digital announcement on the way…)

Oh right, there’s one more thing I have to announce…

On Tuesday, December 1 at 7:30, I will be hosting a live game for…

THE BOSTON COMEDY FESTIVAL!!! 🦞

TICKETS HERE!!!

And wait til you see who we’ve got playing. (If you’re a “Late Night” nerd like me…)

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Go Kill Some A.S.S!!!

Jon

The Daily Dozen 11.8.20

In political news…

To quote the First Lady: “Fucking Christmas came early!”

Speaking of the holidays, the White House turkeys are like, “We’re totally getting shot this year, aren’t we?”

But in all seriousness, I’d just like to say: My fellow Americans, our long national…tweetmare is just beginning. (He now has MORE time for that.)

Last night Joe Biden spoke to the nation from his native Delaware. People called it the most exciting thing to happen in Delaware since the night before when Biden said to come back the next night.

Some people said Biden ran a little too fast to the stage, but to me, he seemed fine…

Joe Biden spoke to supporters in red, white and blue Jeeps. His campaign called the Jeeps a symbol of patriotism, while Biden called them “not Matchbox.”

The whole thing is like a Cinderella story – except in this case, it’s the president who turns back into a giant pumpkin.

Pastor Kenneth Copleland wasn’t thrilled with the results. But you could’ve fooled me…

Eh, I did the same thing for two hours when I heard about that Four Seasons fuckup.

By now you know about the Trump campaign booking a landscaping store instead of the hotel when they got their Four Seasons messed up. And it got even worse when Trump arrived and said, “Where’s Frankie Valli??”

It got even worse when someone walked up to Giuliani and said, “How much for the scarecrow?”

They were all there to claim the election was not carried out fairly in Philadelphia. But I’m not surprised Philly voted against Trump. This is the same city that booed Santa – if there’s one thing they hate, it’s fat guys in red hats who only work one night a year.

Apparently, Jared Kushner and Melania Trump are two people who keep telling the president he needs to concede gracefully. Kushner made an impassioned plea – then hustled into the men’s room to change into his Fake Melania costume. 

Trump losing means his whole cabinet has to go. When she heard he news, Betsy DeVos sent a text saying, “We’re fyred??”

Trump is apparently worried about going to prison once he’s out of office. So if you think yesterday was weird, wait until we’re all watching the police chase a White Ford golf cart.

But the BIGGEST news is that Kamala Harris will be sworn in as the nation’s FIRST female Vice-President - and my daughter said “Kamala” right on her first try. So if you’re keeping score, that’s three-year-old: 1, one-term president: 0.

After Trump was defeated, Sacha Baron Cohen said Mark Zuckerberg is next. But Zuckerberg will discuss it tomorrow with a brand new PR advisor – and a camera crew that’s following him around for some reason.

And lastly, it’s rumored Donald Trump could run for president again in 2024 as a Republican. Which is interesting, since I just assumed he was running as a ****taken out by dart from time traveler****

Speaking of time…it’s running out for our Anti-Social Skills Kickstarter. The deadline is THIS THURSDAY MORNING AT 9 A.M. We are RIGHT THERE – this is your new thing to keep hitting refresh on. If you’ve already backed us, fantastic – share with a friend. And if not, maaaaaaan, you gotta give it a look. We’ve had so much fun with it, it was a beacon of light during a tough time, and hopefully this will keep the good times going.

Check out ASSkills, Keep Yourselves Up, And Rest Easy Mr. Trebek,

Jon

Daily Dozen 11.6.20

Weird day, right? I was like, “Man – what have we come to when we’re refreshing a webpage waiting for numbers to change?” Then, I got back to seeing how ASSkills is doing. (Thursday at 9 a.m. is the deadline!!)

 

You know who else I keep thinking about? Casting agencies. Not only do they have all those out-of-work mall Santas – now they’ve got dozens of Melanias looking for jobs.

But it will be an interesting holiday season – notably, the first Thanksgiving where the White House turkey is asked to pardon a lame duck.

Tonight, Joe Biden addressed Americans, preaching patience and optimism. Bittersweet night for Biden; he gets his first primetime address, but has to miss “Friday Night SmackDown.” “Can you believe they gave up Bray Wyatt AND The Fiend? Come on man, they’re your top two guys! THAT’S Malarkey!”

The magic number for Biden to win as of now is six points. Also known as “One greeting from Joe Biden.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m just excited to have a president who will quit golf once he hits a ball through the clown’s mouth.

One of the deciding factors was Biden winning the state of Pennsylvania, with Philadelphia sealing Trump’s fate. And you thought YOUR family Thanksgiving would be awkward…

Trump’s threatened legal action, but the Lieutenant Governor of Pennsylvania said, “The president can sue a ham sandwich.” Then the former Governor of New Jersey said, “That ham sandwich need a lawyer??”

It’s rumored Trump may actually barricade himself inside the Oval Office and refuse to leave. Or in other words, the day Trump finally stops being president is also the day he finally starts being president. “See, if you’d just done this to begin with, sir - ah, screw it. Someone grab his cankles…”

It’s ironic everyone kept referring to Biden as “Uncle Joe,” because I gotta say, it’s Trump that’s giving off the uncle vibes…

The Biden campaign didn’t waste any time responding, saying this:

And again, if that happens? Sad. But if you add the Benny Hill song? Amazing.

But it also came out that Trump’s advisors are starting to back away quietly. Except for Chris Christie, who makes a beeping sound to alert pedestrians.

But Alex Cora got his job back, and will manage the Red Sox after he was busted in a sign-stealing scandal. I guess Americans said, “Eh, big deal – we’ve been stealing signs off our neighbors’ lawns for months.” 

Yep, a Democratic win and Alex Cora back with the Sox. People in Boston haven’t been this happy since they saw an old lady slip and fall on some ice.

And lastly, a bike path from New York City to Canada should be finished by the end of the year. Then people checked the polls and said, “No longer necessary.” 

I tell you what IS necessary. Anti-Social Skills! And we got featured again! Thank you to MMO Bomb!!!

And are you one of those Thanksgiving orphans, stuck by yourself because of lockdown? Well, you don’t have to be. Because today, we announced a NEW tier where our comics will play with you and your family over Zoom on Thanksgiving – with me hosting! And it’s all Thanksgiving-themed! Clock is ticking, we’ve all worked so hard…throw us a wishbone SEE WHAT I DID THERE????? 😎

Keep Yourselves Up, Get some A.S.S.,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 11.4.20

I want to congratulate James Carville on his new gig as a New England weatherman…

“And no one’s gonna make more money this year than the airlines!!”

As I write this, votes are still being counted. President Trump is furious, Don Jr. is beside himself, and Eric’s like, “Wait, numbers go higher than ten?? (But I only have ten fingers! Wait, do thumbs count?? Do numbers go higher than thumb??)”

The reason this is taking so long is because officials are counting mail-in ballots. It'll be pretty hilarious if the generation that's "always on their damn computers" winds up winning an election...via the mail.

In the meantime, Joe Biden is urging supporters to have patience. Trump’s like, “What do you mean? Thanks to me, American has, like, 9.5 million patients!”

See, I don’t just want Biden to win so we can stop making fun of Trump; I want to get back to making fun of Biden. Remember the “Seinfeld” when Kramer started acting like Jerry? That’s what this feels like. We need our Kramer back! Make Biden Kramer Again! 😎

But as I write this, Joe Biden is on the verge of becoming our 46th president. No more Trump! Which explains the lead story on tomorrow’s “Maddow”:

Pray for me, Rachel!!

And last night, Trump was clearly unhappy with things, and sent out this tweet:

“Poles.” Amazing – even by mistake, Trump manages to insult an ethnic group.

Trump supporters in Detroit stormed a hall where ballots were being counted, chanting “Stop the count!” Incidentally, “Stop The Count” is what Eric yells when he watches “Sesame Street.” “Seriously, what’s this ‘eleven, twelve’ bullcrap??”

Yep, Biden will win both the popular vote and the electoral. But look at the bright side: Trump’s doctor doesn’t have to lie anymore when he says he’s under 270.

Joe Biden actually got more votes than any presidential candidate in U.S. history. Or as another guy put it, “[Sigh] Okay, now you can call me Barry.” “How about B-Dawg?” “That’s it! Forget it!”

Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame Star had to actually be boarded up with wood. Marking the first time Californians are like, “Eh, what’s one more fire?”

And lastly, I’m proud to say Trump lost handily in my home state of New Hampshire. Trump was pretty depressed – so we offered him some drugs from our infested den.

Hey speaking of close ones – we are SO close to our goal with Anti-Social Skills. But we now have less than a week to go. So before I start returning the favor by e-mailing Joe Biden every half hour, I implore you all: please get yourselves some A.S.S. Because if you don’t, I’m going to start saying “You can’t spell ‘fund’ without ‘fun.’” I mean it. I’ll say it over and over. Help us out with ASSkills!

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 11.2.20

It’s been an interesting year…

Election Day at 2. I’m doing a Reddit #AMA about this and mental health, working for WWE, Tonight Show stuff (how I got the job, how the job ended, Hairgate), and probably veering off into a rant about Mike Love or too many guards on the Celtics.

Let’s have some fun before we have some fun. 🤞

President Trump got the endorsement of Bruins great Bobby Orr. But to be fair, Trump thinks “Bobby Orr” is the guy who invented the canoe. “Bobby Orr, meet Tim Apple. I’m Donald Crimefamily.”

At a rally tonight, Donald Trump criticized NBA players for “disrespecting” the flag. Then moments later, Trump denied meeting the flag.

The crowd at the rally chanted “LeBron James Sucks! LeBron James Sucks!” They also had a good chant going two hours after the rally: “Where’s our bus?? Where’s our bus??”

This weekend, Trump supporters in Georgia were stranded in the cold waiting for buses. Then when the buses did pick them up, they dropped them off at a field in Nebraska. 

Many are saying Pennsylvania could be the state that decides the election. Which makes me nervous, since that’s where Trump’s other job is.  

Eminem signed let Joe Biden and Kamala Harris use his song “Lose Yourself” in an ad. When he heard he’d been endorsed by Eminem, Biden said, “Oh man – the blue one??”

There’s a feeling the election could be decided by 10 p.m. tomorrow. Then Mike Pence said, “Better make that a double Diet Sprite, Mother.”

Yep, James Carville thinks Joe Biden will win by 10 p.m. Said Carville,

“Roger Rabbit may have outsmarted me, but not Donald Trump!”

 Carville has to know who won by 10, because he has a crypt to keep at 11.

Fact-checkers debunked a photo that supposedly showed Joe Biden on a plane without a face covering. They said, “That photo’s not from this year, it’s actually from the 30s, and also that’s Amelia Earhart.”

The election has 77% of Americans fearing violence. But right now, 99% of us fear hugs.

As a way to say goodbye, Cubs pitcher Jon Lester has purchased nearly 30,000 worth of beers for Chicago residents. Which will explain things when Obama wakes up next Tuesday and says, “…Shit!”

Lester estimates he’s purchased nearly 4,000 beers. All for one guy…

And lastly, A Russian oligarch known as “The Sausage King” was killed in a sauna. I’m not sure what caused it, but it might’ve been saying, “Here comes the Sausage King!” while entering a sauna.

From sausage to A.S.S. Just over a week to go everybody! And our second official episode is out and posted below! Please help us out by giving what you can – but if I were you, I’d go for one of the live games that also gets you the physical party game so you’ve got a fun way to hang with friends this winter, and the real deal when you get back together at the end of all this.

Keep Yourselves Up, Get some A.S.S., See You On Reddit! #AMA

Jon

The Daily Dozen 11.1.20

So how was your weekend?

Well everyone, two days left! At best!

The Election is two days away and I read that a lot of couples are at odds over it. In fact one wife is so anti-Trump, she’s spent four years batting his hand away and sending lookalikes to appear with him.

Yep, it’s almost Election Night. And what better way to prepare us for a Dark Winter than a night of guys pointing at maps and guessing? “Looks like Biden!! But maybe snow??”

An advisor from the White House COVID-19 Task Force, Dr. Scott Atlas – you remember Scott Atlas; he’s the guy Trump thinks hosted “Where in the World Carmen Sandiego?”

Well, Dr. Scott Atlas is apologizing for appearing on “Russia Today” saying he was unaware it was a foreign agent. Man, if only there were some clue…other than everything about it. “Let’s see…they’re letting me lie. The hosts have Russian accents. Oh, it’s also called, uh…‘Russia Today.’”

It got worse when Ivanka Trump debuted her new fragrance on “Live! With Kelly & Mikhail.”

Yet another Trump rally ended with people being left in freezing weather for two hours, waiting for buses. Man – what is it with Trump and made-up caravans?

And in Texas, a group of Trump supporters surrounded a Biden campaign bus on the highway – this is actually pretty scary:

But they felt pretty foolish when they opened up the doors and saw the driver:

Many say the election could drag on, and one columnist said three words that should haunt Biden are “Dewey Defeats Truman.” In addition to the other three that haunt Biden: “Alf Is Canceled.”

But a clip went viral of President Obama over the weekend and I guess Trump’s not the only orange leather he can down…

Then Trump knocked a kid over to catch a jersey from the t-shirt cannon and said, “That’s what I do!!”

The Knicks saw Obama make that and said, “Ehh – he’s too young.”

When asked if he took more than one shot, Obama said, “No – but bin Laden did!”

Because of COVID-19 restrictions, the NBA’s Toronto Raptors may have to play all their home games in Newark, New Jersey. Marking the first guys in Newark with a legitimate reason to wear tracksuits. 

I read about a doctor who was duped into buying a “wish granting” magic lamp for a quarter of a million dollars. Said the doctor, “They told me it was a free gift for appearing on ‘Russia Today’!”

Now that Halloween is over, people are rushing to Christmas and ignoring Thanksgiving. Which explains that new slogan – “Thanksgiving: The Eric Trump of Holidays.”

It was different watching “The Shining” in 2020. Instead of feeling sorry for Danny, I said, “Aw man – he gets to ride his bike??”

Also, there’s less than 10 days left to get in on the ground floor of Anti-Social Skills. Man, we are SO close to our goal and you will love the hell out of this game. Look for some added offers in the days to come, sign up to play with us over the holidays, and then when parties can again take part: there’s your freshly baked box of Anti-Social Skills.

Chicago show in a few minutes!

Keep Yourselves Up (and VOTE!)

Jon

Daily Dozen 10.29.20

Just over a dozen days left to support Anti-Social Skills. It’s always hard to say who’s gonna win the game, but I think we found the loser!

I was also supposed to be on Tucker Carlson to promote it, but I “lost” the invite.

Tucker Carlson said a “cache” of documents that would damage Joe Biden went missing. Man – between Carlson and Giuliani, it’s been a rough couple of weeks for Tuckers.

But today, Carlson announced he had tracked down the “damaging” Biden documents: a bunch of Mad Libs that only use the word “fart.”

Casinos have made record amounts off people betting on the election, and many have Trump as the longshot. Trump couldn’t believe it – he said, “Casinos can make money??” 

81 million people already voted, and some people are actually hiring “line-sitters.” Which is also what Donald Trump Jr. calls the guys who guard his medicine cabinet.

People are upset after Lil Wayne met with the president. It got off to a rough start when Lil Wayne arrived and Trump said, “Where’s Lil Garth?”

Lil Wayne praised the president’s work on criminal reform. You know Trump’s criminal reform plan – “Don’t Beat ‘Em In Case You Have to Join ‘Em.”

Actually, Trump’s initiative is known as his “Platinum Plan.” And how can you not believe in something that sounds like a tier in the Columbia House record club. #Topical 

It came out that the White House plans to end protections for gray wolves. Then someone said, “You misheard, Mr. Vice-President – I said GRAY wolves.”

Today, NBC’s Chuck Todd asked if Joe Biden is taking the coronavirus too seriously. Which is probably why things were so testy during NBC’s town hall with the coronavirus.

Ac/Dc revealed they once tried to capture the Loch Ness Monster using a box of fireworks. When asked why it didn’t work, they said, “Well for starters: turns out we were at a Hardee’s in Milwaukee…”

For her birthday, Kanye gave Kim Kardashian a hologram of her father. Yep, an infamous lawyer who looks almost lifelike – or as Trump put it, “Rudy??”

And lastly, six people were indicted for stealing more than six million dollars in designer goods at NYC’s JFK Airport. If convicted, they could face 30 years to life at LaGuardia.

But I’ll tell YOU what’s a steal! Anti-Social Skills! The board game written by comics that’s done great on Kickstarter despite a crazy glitch on its first day and now we’re scrambling like hell to make up for it! Only a dozen days remain for you to back us, buy the game, or purchase a live round to play over Zoom with friends, family or drifters. 

And sincerely, my deepest thanks to Max Sullivan, Patrick Cronin and everyone at Seacoast Newspapers for taking a walk with me in the rain at the beach. And thank you all for your kind messages. But don’t message me – Keep Yourselves Up and GO KILL SOME A.S.S.!

The Daily Dozen 10.28.20

JUST TWO WEEKS LEFT TO ORDER (OR BACK) ANTI-SOCIAL SKILLS!!!

In the meantime…

Tough day for Trump. How do you throw staffers under a bus that never comes?

At a rally in Nebraska, hundreds of Trump supporters were stranded in freezing temperatures, and some were hospitalized with hypothermia. But Trump says they’ll be fine if they inject themselves with lava.

Apparently, there weren’t enough buses to transport everyone back to a parking area. It was a terrible for night for everyone – even worse for the couple that found Steve Bannon sleeping in their car.

Trump left them in a frozen field in Nebraska. Eric Trump said, “Did he blindfold them, too?”

Today, Trump mocked pandemic restrictions, and said if you vote for Joe Biden, there won’t be any weddings or Christmas. “Can I vote for him TWICE??” said Melania Trump.

It turns out the anonymous author of a scathing op-ed about President Trump was advisor Miles Taylor. Said Trump, “Never heard of either of them!”

To show you how obscure he is – “Miles Taylor” is the made-up pseudonym other Trump advisors use when they write their scathing op-eds. “You mean he’s a real guy??”

Yep, Miles Taylor wrote the New York Times op-ed. They’d give him a code name like “Deep Throat,” but that would be tricky since this Watergate involves actual porn stars. 

Beto O’Rourke did an interview offering Biden advice on how to win in Texas. I didn’t see it, because I was reading Michael Jordan’s advice to the Dodgers on how to play baseball.

Congratulations to the Los Angeles Dodgers, who won the World Series last night. The Dodgers urged fans to celebrate responsibly…

And fans said, “You first.”

Dodgers star Justin Turner was pulled from the game last night when he tested positive for COVID-19. Ironically, that’s just the 19th-worst thing a baseball player can test positive for.

Turner returned to the field without a mask to celebrate with his teammates – exposing them to his germs. Turner was like, “S’all good – my beard mites got ‘em.”

A controversial decision by Rays manager Kevin Cash was a deciding factor. If he gets fired, he should go to the Red Sox - since they’re all about saving Cash.

There wasn’t a ton of offense in the game, so the bases weren’t loaded…but I think Commissioner Rob Manfred might’ve been!

Looks like somebody missed the cutoff man!

Even Ty Cobb was like “Damn, that’s a lot of slurs!”

Is the National League gonna add a Designated Driver?

It’s the first time the commissioner’s been sent to Double-A.

Did somebody slip him a Mookie?

But don’t worry - they finally got him an Uber…

And lastly, Costco is pulling all products made with “forced monkey labor.” Which was also the name of my improve troupe in college.

Yep, Costco is pulling items made using “forced monkey labor.” Or as husbands call that, “Going to Costco.”

Know what DOESN’T require a trip to Costco? Ordering an actual, physical copy of Anti-Social Skills. We only have a couple weeks left and are OH SO CLOSE to our goal, have some really fun stuff planned through the winter to keep you company, and right when we’re allowed to resume partying, you can own the funniest party game of 2020; it is, after all, The Year of the A.S.S.

And stay tuned for a special announcement about another LIVE Anti-Social Skills THIS SUNDAY!…and a few other things coming up soon…😎

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.27.20

A little Trivia: in “Alcohol” they’re actually chanting “VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!”

Today, the Boston Herald endorsed President Trump. People in Boston couldn’t believe it – they said, “The Herald’s still around?”

Trump pulled all advertising in Florida due to low campaign funds. People in Florida knew Trump was broke when he snuck a picture of his Splash Mountain reaction screen instead of buying an actual photo.

Lesley Stahl is facing death threats from Trump supporters over their “60 Minutes” interview. I miss the old days when there was only one death threat facing “60 Minutes” anchors: time.

NOTE: Andy Rooney is 35 in this picture.

During a speech in Georgia, Joe Biden quoted Franklin D. Roosevelt. But don’t worry – after he wins, he’ll go back to misquoting “Police Academy.” “So then the sound effects guy – he starts to pretend he’s a helicopter! Or was it a jet ski? Either way folks, see all seven and read my fan fic!”

The NBA is set to return in December, giving the U.S. something it desperately needs: likable courts. 

Amy Comey Barrett was officially sworn in as a Supreme Court Justice. It was Mitch McConnell’s proudest moment since he lapped up that fly from Mike Pence’s head.

Many are concerned the Conservative power in the Supreme Court could overturn Roe v. Wade. Incidentally, “row v. wade” is Trump’s emergency relief plan if Puerto Rico has another hurricane.

Reese Witherspoon recently said she’d consider running for office at some point. Not to be outdone, Mike Pence announced plans to star in a movie called “Legally Bland.”

Some scenes from the new “Borat” film that show Borat’s daughter inside the White House were ultimately cut from the film. That’s when you know the White House is over the edge – when even Sacha Baron Cohen’s like, “I just don’t feel right showing this.”

Because of COVID-19, all Halloween events in Salem, Massachusetts were canceled this year. But don’t worry – once there’s a vaccine, you can take your kids where a bunch of old ladies were set on fire for being shy.

Some areas could face Thanksgiving travel bans. Which explains that new song: 🎵Over the river, and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go; back through the woods, back over the river – do we have any Pizza Pockets in the fridge?🎵

It was just a matter of time before Kim Kardashian weighed in with her pandemic plight:

So there you have it: a Skull Island movie where people are rooting for the dinosaurs.

Kim said she surprised her inner circle by flying them in. While Rob surprised her by also showing up.

We’re mad at Kim today, but in a week, we might be saying, “Any room left on that island?”

But if YOU’RE stuck on a desert island, there’s two ways to pass the time: by Toobin your Jeffrey, or by playing Anti-Social Skills. Special thanks to our friends “The Spooky Doines” for playing our first live game! Happy Halloween, play the game yourself, and stay tuned for another live show announcement! 

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.26.20

Just five days away from 2020’s hottest Halloween party game: Looking At Apples.

It’s a tough choice this year: give out candy to the kid dressed as a mummy, or mug him for the toilet paper?

And the 2020 Election will take place in just eight days. While my spiked shoulder pads and flamethrower will arrive in just seven days. (And that’s just for THANKSGIVING! #ButFolks)

Things are so tense in Seattle, the military is already stationed in case of unrest. Everybody’s fighting – when he wasn’t looking, Frasier poured 2% milk into Niles’ double decaf, non-fat latte, medium foam, dusted with just the faintest whisper of cinnamon.

President Trump mocked Joe Biden for seemingly calling him “George” instead of “Donald.” There’s an easy way to tell the difference: George hangs out with The Man in the Big Yellow Hat; Donald hangs out with The Guys in the Big White Hoods.

Biden was apparently referring to the fundraiser’s host, George Lopez. Said Trump, “Is he Cheech or Chong?”

Yeah, Trump mocked Biden for getting a name wrong. Then he went back to reading his grandkids a Halloween story about ‘Ichabod Pumpkin.’ “His horse didn’t have a head. Very sad. We only like horses with heads, don’t we, folks?”

In Florida, a man with a bulldozer destroyed a bunch of Biden campaign signs. Which is why Trump awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Bob the Builder.

Hillary Clinton turned 73 years old today – just a week ahead of the election. And you could tell she was really making a wish when she blew out her candles…

A COVID-19 outbreak has apparently hit Fox News. Which explains their new show: “Fox & Friend.” (That’s for all the dads who watch Fox News.)

Tomorrow, the LA Dodgers will go for their first World Series victory since 1988. So between baseball and Trump’s “60 Minutes” interview, it’s been a big week for dodgers!

And lastly, Bette Midler confirmed the original cast of “Hocus Pocus” will reunite for a sequel. When asked if there was room for a fourth witch who hates holidays, they said, “We’ll let you know, Melania.”

Hey, speaking of reunions and Halloween… 🎃

TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT! AT 10 PM EASTERN TIME, THE FIRST EVER LIVE ANTI-SOCIAL SKILLS ON YOUTUBE! GO HERE TO WATCH IT (and comment AND suggest challenges) and once it’s over, go here to BUY THE GAME!! Can’t wait to not see you but for you to see me!!

Keep Yourselves Up and Go Kill Some ASS!

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.25.20

Man – they are not even TRYING with these Fake Melanias anymore.

President Trump and Joe Biden were interviewed on “60 Minutes.” The first question: “How’s it feel to be the youngest people interviewed on ‘60 Minutes’?”

Yep, “60 Minutes” aired the interview President Trump walked out on. You know things aren’t going great when even Trump is like, “I can’t take anymore Trump.”

Minutes after Trump left, his press secretary returned with this book for Lesley Stahl, which supposedly contained the president’s “healthcare plan”:

So…his healthcare plan is going to the Cheesecake Factory?

That looks like Stuart Little investigating Jeffrey Epstein.

Trump bombed on “60 Minutes.” But on the bright side, Giuliani killed it on “69 Minutes.”

A new poll has Joe Biden defeating Trump in Texas. I guess Texas looked at Trump and figured one Leatherface was enough.

Yep, Trump could lose Texas. Some called it the most surprising outcome for a sitting president in Texas, while others are John F. Kennedy.

After “Borat 2” came out, Trump and Sacha Baron Cohen continued their war of words with Cohen saying Trump’s not funny, but the world laughs at him. To which Trump said, “MY WIVES!!!”

Donald Trump Jr. posed next to a 2024 sign, suggesting he’s planning a presidential bid. Meanwhile, children posed next to Eric because they thought he was a Halloween dummy. “Wrong! I’m an ALWAYS dummy!”

The Tampa Bay Rays tied up the World Series on Saturday on this insane walk-off:

It cuts off before the baserunner stepped on a rake and fell into a table of wedding cakes.

It got even worse when the ump looked up from his phone and said, “Oh crap – were we back from commercial?”

Man - Florida hasn’t seen anything that chaotic since *literally* every election.

A pilot in North Carolina photographed a mysterious orange circle in the daytime sky. But everyone forgot about it, when he photographed a mysterious whitish circle in the nighttime sky. “They must be enemies, because the orange one took off right when the white one showed up!”

Meanwhile, Delta airlines banned 460 passengers for failing to wear a face covering. And Southwest banned 500 passengers for wearing shirts.

And lastly, Happy Birthday to Ed Robertson from Barenaked Ladies, who turned 50 years old. You can tell he’s getting up there because if he had a million dollars, he’d give it all to a Nigerian prince.

And it’ll still be one day til WE say, “Welcome to Anti-Social Skills LIVE!” 

TOMORROW NIGHT (MONDAY 10/26) we will be having our first ever LIVE A.S.Skills game on YouTube – and I will be hosting some great friends we met from the improve world back when we were testing the game. And in the spirit of the season (and all of 2020, tbh), it’s Halloween-themed. So, turn down the lights, tune in, and see if anyone pulls a Toobin.

Then when you love it – BUY THE GAME!!! Or donate a couple bucks as a way to say, “I like you – I just don’t believe in you.” I’ll still say thank you when we see each other on Mom’s birthday.

Keep Yourselves Up – and TUBE YOURSELVES IN!

Jon

Daily Dozen 10.22.20

You know it’s a rough night when the best matchup on TV is the Giants vs. the Eagles.

Tonight, ABC aired the debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. While NBC countered with O.J. Simpson vs. Hologram Manson. (But Savannah did great.)

Of course, this was the first debate since President Trump tested positive for COVID-19. Some were curious about how Trump would look on camera, but I thought he looked totally normal…

This time around, candidates’ mics were muted when it wasn’t their turn to speak. But it doesn’t matter because right after, Trump’s microphone wrote a tell-all.

Luckily, no insects landed on anyone’s head this time. Which means the only big fly scandal this week involved Giuliani.

But people online went crazy when Biden used the word “Malarkey.” While Trump said, “How dare you mention my wife??” (Malarkey – tell Bourbon it’s after his bedtime.)

After Trump boasted about his meeting with Kim Jong Un, Joe Biden said we had a great relationship with Hitler until he invaded Europe. Marking the first time Hitler said, “Please leave me out of this.”

Biden said thanks to Trump, we’re headed for a “dark winter” where everyone will stay inside. Or as that’s also known: “winter.” “And then in December, we’ll have trees inside our houses!”

Incidentally, “Dark Winter” was also the setting on Trump’s tanning bed.

During a heated exchange about immigration, Trump claimed that kids were being brought over the border by coyotes – which is a slang term for smuggler. But Trump said they’re being cared for by his detainee counselors – which is a slang term for coyotes.

Trump said he wishes he could ride out the pandemic in the White House basement. Then Eric said, “Welp – better pack up my stuff before the coyotes get here…”

Trump also accused Biden of spending all his time in his basement. Of course Biden left when he and Obama couldn’t agree who was Wayne and who was Garth. “Uhhh…look. We need to uhh…party on.”

One of the strangest exchanges came when Trump bragged about always being a champion for Black people. At which point, even my dog kept saying, “Uhhh – Central Park Five???”

Trump also said he was the least racist person in the room. And with the exception of Biden and Kristen Welker, he had a point:

That looks like two dads who didn’t get the memo the party was dress-up for kids only.

That looks like two guys who were laid off by the Village People.

That looks like if Uncle Sam and Abe Lincoln moved to a loft in Brooklyn.

But to keep things fair, Biden was allowed to invite some guests too:

“Folks, I wanna tell you a story about my good friend Porkchop…”

And folks, I wanna tell you about something big coming up Sunday night. It is our first EVER *LIVE* Anti-SocialSkills broadcast!!! This Monday at 10 PM EST, we will be partnering with some of our favorites from the world of improv to play a special Halloween-themed game. GO HERE TO WATCH!

And if it looks fun? PLAY THE GAME YOURSELF and CONSIDER HELPING US OUT. This has been a nice small, side project that has turned into a blast and we goin’ for it!

Again: MONDAY AT 10 P.M. LIVE!

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.21.20

Well on the bright side: Rudy Giuliani is finally gonna wear a mask in public.

That looks like if The Penguin made a Beastie Boys video.

Rudy Giuliani was caught on camera seducing a woman in the upcoming “Borat” sequel. I wondered how Rudy could look himself in the mirror; then I remembered he can’t actually see his reflection.

Yep, Rudy Giuliani came onto an actress who was just playing Borat’s daughter. Fans were like, “Wait, she’s not Borat’s daughter??” While Giuliani said, “Wait, she’s not my cousin??”

Giuliani claims he wasn’t doing anything inappropriate, and was just “tucking in his shirt.” Man, who’d have thought Carlson would be just our second most dishonest Tucker. 😎

Yep, Giuliani says it meant nothing, and the woman is nothing but a tuck buddy. #ButFolks

Yeah, Giuliani said he was just “tucking in his shirt.” Then Jeffrey Toobin said,  “🤦 Tucking in my shirt! Of course!”

It turns out President Trump has been hiding money in China, Ireland and Britain. Even weirder – it was just inside “It’s a Small World.” “Stop the boat! Need to make a withdrawal for an autograph book!”

Yep, Trump’s tax returns show years of substantial losses. When asked if he’d declare any major losses this year, he said, “Just the election.”

A new poll says Joe Biden is up by 12 points among Catholics. And I feel good about that – because when’s the last time a notable Catholic was betrayed by 12?

Actually today, Pope Francis said The Church should be accepting of same-sex unions. Some Catholics are so mad, they’re not sure if they’ll keep worshiping an unmarried guy in his 30s who liked to make dinner for his dozen male friends.

Quibi officially went out of business today. I was so depressed, I could barely finish my Dippin’ Dots.

People in Church Hill, Tennessee say a small, pet monkey has been violently attacking them. Police didn’t take it too seriously – until they went inside and discovered The Skeleton in the Big Yellow Hat.

Due to the pandemic, the Super Bowl could be delayed as late as four weeks. While the Budweiser ad where a horse Zooms with a puppy will make me cry for five weeks.

But if you want to laugh til you cry on Zoom #Segue might I recommend Anti-Social Skills – now playable for free. This is an actual game I created with a couple Emerson pals, co-written by Myq Kaplan, Jenny Zigrino, Abbi Crutchfield, John Roy, Jason Marcus and the man they call Just Some Guy. And in the summer, we all got together to play. Roll that beautiful ASSkills footage…

If you had a good time, would like to buy a physical copy of the game, or support our small business, please head here and see all we’ve got to offer.

Keep Yourselves Up, and Go Kill Some Ass,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.20.20

Some good news here: a new study says an arthritis drug could be used to treat COVID-19. So, say hello to the new Walter White…

#Rinemanberg

Meanwhile, another study says mouthwash and baby shampoo deactivates the virus in seconds. In response, Trump told people to immediately gargle with baby shampoo.

Today, President Trump walked out of an interview with Lesley Stahl from “60 Minutes.” When asked why, he said, “Because I’ve been holding in this burrito for 59 minutes…”

After quitting the interview, Trump tweeted out a video shaming Stahl for going maskless in the White House. Then he signed it, “XOXO, Gossip President.”

Pat Robertson says God told him Trump will win, and trigger beginning of the “End Times.” You know the “End Times” – it’s in the only Book of Revelations written by someone who didn’t work for Trump.

Yep, God told Pat Robertson Trump winning would trigger the “End Times.” When asked if that’s true, “God” said, “Please, call me Sacha.”

Meanwhile, a new poll has 75% of Jewish Americans voting for Joe Biden. Which is why today, Trump invited them to attend Eric’s bris. “Hello, SuperCuts?...”

In the next debate, Biden’s mic will be muted at the end of each answer by the Debate Commission. While Trump’s mic will be muted at the start of each answer by the Trump Campaign. 

People continue to speculate about whether Trump will agree to a peaceful transition of power if he loses. If Trump has to be chased out of the White House, it will go down as one of our nation’s darkest days. Unless they play the Benny Hill theme – then it’s fun.

Apple+ has acquired the exclusive rights to all the “Peanuts” holiday specials. But don’t worry – you can still see Charlie Brown for free when he kicks for the Jets.

After the TikTok of a man skateboarding to work while drinking Ocean Spray to “Dreams,” Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours” is back on Billboard’s Top Ten. I guess that’s why Ted Nugent just left the house with moonshine and a pogo stick. “Should I do ‘Cat Scratch Fever,’ or…wait, what else do I sing?”

Scientists just discovered a new organ in the middle of the human head. When asked what it does, they said, “Plays ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame.’”

There was a lot of controversy online when TMZ published an updated mugshot of a disheveled Bill Cosby. But don’t worry – they’ll get him all cleaned up in time for his NBC Town Hall.

And lastly, an aircraft is about to land on an asteroid 200 million miles away. Then the captain will say, “Thank you for flying Southwest – if you’re continuing on to Cleveland…”

Hey, forget ASTEROIDS. The talk these days is ASSkills…or, Anti-Social Skills, a game I created with a couple Emerson pals, co-written by Myq Kaplan, Jenny Zigrino, Abbi Crutchfield, John Roy, Jason Marcus and the man they call Just Some Guy. The first job I ever had in TV was writing promos for WHDH Channel 7 in Boston, so we were thrilled when the game was featured not once, but twice last week!

It’s a lot of fun, it’s playable for free over Zoom, and when you have fun, consider helping our small business by purchasing a physical copy – which will ship just in time for physical interaction.

Keep Yourselves Up, and Go Kill Some Ass,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 10.19.20

I hope everyone is having a nice October. I spent the last night watching “Halloween” – that other movie where a doctor tries to warn everyone about a dangerous lunatic:

During a call with campaign staffers, President Trump called Dr. Fauci a “disaster.” Which explains why Trump spent today tossing paper towels at Dr. Fauci.

Twitter removed a tweet from Trump coronavirus advisor Scott Atlas that undermined the importance of wearing face coverings. Incidentally, “Scott Atlas” is also what Trump calls the host of “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.” “I met him through that other game show host, Pat Letters.”

So far, COVID-19 is responsible for 220 thousand deaths in the U.S. and over a million worldwide. And health experts warn that if we don’t act quickly, it could get its own Town Hall on NBC.

And after being hospitalized with the virus, Chris Christie said he was “so wrong” about downplaying the need to wear masks. Hey, leave it to Chris Christie to waffle. 😎

Followers of Q-Anon promoted a theory that John F. Kennedy Jr. – who famously died in 1999 – will replace Mike Pence as Trump’s running mate. When asked if a lifeless zombie could save his campaign, Trump said, “No! That’s why I’m replacing him with JFK Jr!”

Despite the rumors, JFK Jr. did not reemerge on Saturday to become Trump’s running mate. Which explains his new slogan:

Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani says there’s a “50/50” chance he worked with a Russian spy. Even worse – there’s also a 50/50 chance that Russian spy gets reelected president.

The Beach Boys’ Mike Love announced that his touring version of the group will headline a fundraiser for Trump. But to be fair, that version of “The Beach Boys” is just Love and six holograms doing this…

And Georgia lawmaker and Trump supporter Vernon Jones actually crowd-surfed at a rally over the weekend. Man – big couple of days for idiots who like to surf.

Over the weekend, the Red Sox’s Fenway Park served as an official voting site in Boston. So congratulations in advance to President You Suck For Trading Mookie.

But fans seemed excited to vote – ESPECIALLY THIS WOMAN.

Fitting she got her Dunkies, since our choices are Joe Biden and a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Meanwhile, the Dodgers advanced to the World Series, meaning it will be Los Angeles vs. Tampa Bay. Tough call whom to root for – the city that’s endured earthquakes, fires and stay-at-homes; or…the spring breakers who gave everyone COVID and Hulk Hogan.   

Sacha Baron Cohen says the new “Borat” sequel is more serious than original. But if you want something lighter, check out his new character: Jim Carrey doing Joe Biden.

And lastly, after the New Yorker suspended reporter Jeffrey Toobin for accidentally exposing himself on a video call, “Zoom Dick” was trending on Twitter. “Zoom Dick” sounds like an off-brand Viagra you buy at Spencer’s Gifts.

“The Larry King Podcast! Presented by…Zoom Dick!”

Hey, at least it wasn’t a Skype Scrote.

But you know how he could spend his suspension because of that Zoom Dick?? Playing ASSKILLS.

Like many in 2020…Plans Changed, Pal. But luckily, it gave me the time to work with my one time (and possibly future) Best Man Sam Liberty on Anti-Social Skills, an adult card game FOR humanity. Best of all, the game was written completely by some of the land’s best comics, including Myq Kaplan, Jenny Zigrino, Jason Marcus, Abbi Crutchfield, John Roy and…Just Some Guy. We just launched last week and are on our way to meeting our goal as a small business on Kickstarter – which would mean next year, you could have, in your home, a game to play during your first post-COVID party RIGHT when you realize you have nothing to say to each other.

Best of all, the game is also playable over Zoom – so get some friends together, head on over to the FREE version of the game on our site, and when you have fun, buy yourself the real deal.

 Keep Yourselves Up, and Go Kill Some Ass,

Jon